Walkaway wife

[jjal]

Just over a month into the separation. Detaching, attempting GAL. Very tough. Two really great friends are shouldering a lot right now.

I don't initiate any contact, only respond to her emails. And they were mostly daily until this week when two days were missed only to get an email yesterday saying "I hope you have a good weekend" and then proceeded to tell me her plans.

This morning was bad, depression visited and overstayed its welcome. So entirely bummed out.

I think what hurts is just walking around the house and seeing us everywhere, in everything. She is in a corporate apartment with 1/4 of her clothes, computer and bike, and doesn't get to see that.

[Flight]

All I can say having gone through every phase just about every book talks about since January, you log what works and what doesn't and only do what works! Personally, it took me 7 months to finally start to stabilize and to be able to regulary not react. I had to really stop myself today from reacting to what I thought was purposely playing songs from a CD mix I bet he made for her. But being separated in house, I would think makes it harder to detach for me. With the help here, you may even out a lot sooner. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. I imagine a lot of people who really want to fix things but who have less and less contact with their spouse wake up one day and think, "I've moved on too".

[jjal]

She visited her parents today for her Dad's birthday - church cook out. She hasn't told them yet, because they are pro-marriage, 46 years, deeply religious. And I think they'd just absolutely die. But, I wonder if she's being coached by her new group of friends and cheering her on to have that difficult talk. It's out of my hands, truly is.

I'm GAL, biked yesterday, kayaked today with two awesome friends, and going to actually join a yoga studio this week. The heart still pounds uncontrollably at times, but the haze is starting to lift.

[Flight]

Well, her parents will probably notice something, like why you weren't there? In any case, they will probably counsel her once they find out. I would stay out of the mix now. For the most part, invloving friends and family backfires. At the same time, if they are as you say, they may tell her to grow up and address her problems instead of run away from them. Keep the focus on you and what you need to do. Good luck this week.

[jjal]

I go to about 4 out of 5 family get togethers with her family. If it continues for much longer, they'll notice. She never comes to any for my family because she is allergic to animals, and they all have animals. Major holidays are the exception -- 4th of July, T-Giving, X-Mas is with us. So, they are used to not seeing her.

Today she surprised me with "Hope you had a good weekend. I'm coming by the house at lunch to pick up a few things." I went home for an early lunch and cleaned up a bit. She also got to see her closet emptied for the 1st time. She said she was sorry I had to move all of that stuff, and that the house was so clean. I was always very neat and clean. Probably longest chain of emails back and forth we've had since it all went down 5 weeks ago.

In all of that, I told her that I hoped she did good at her race on Saturday, and hoped her parents were doing great. A slight 180 suggested as a mod to the LRT by my DB coach Denise. Apparently the lack of "support" for triathlons/marathons was a sticking point when she walked away. Oddly enough, looking at old emails and text messages, that's not the case. I always asked how she did and that usually brought out more questions, I just wasn't at the finish line cheering her along.

Then, she went on to say she needed to come by and get some kitchen items because she changed her furnished apartment lease -- apparently different levels of "furnished". Probably needs pots and pans and coffee maker. I responded and asked what she needed, I'd box it up for her.

In the 13-14 emails back and forth, I was very calm. She said thank you a lot. It almost sounded sad on her part. I guess the detaching is starting to work.

Tomorrow, I have another DB call with Denise. I hope I'm doing the right things, but being patient really is difficult when you know an emotional affair and a whole new cast of "friends" are guiding her. Getting a life, starting to move on!

[jjal]

Good 2nd session with Denise today. Stay the course, 180/Last Resort, and continued patience. Don't push anything along, no ultimatums, or confrontations. Also, working on me, recognizing what I did that contributed to the split, accepting those things and forgiving myself for those faults. GAL too. That's been fun, 2 friends have really picked me up and kept me out of the house.

And then, last night, after having what I thought was a nice and polite email convo with wife with lots of "thank you's" and "You are welcomes" on both sides, I was able to sleep a full 8 hours for the 1st time since it went down 5 weeks ago.

Patience and looking for glimmers of hope.

[AnotherStander]

Sounds like you're doing everything right, just hang in there and stick with the plan! The one thing I'll mention is that I kind of detect from your posts that you have some unspoken expectations that your W is changing her mind and may come back soon. It's only been 5 weeks, it is WAY too soon for her to come back, and she's probably not even thinking it yet. If she were to come back too soon it would likely just backfire anyway. The WAS needs time and space to work things out. LOTS of time and space. LBSs are as a rule very impatient, they tend to get tired of waiting and start doing temperature checks and applying other pressure. All that does is lead to disappointment and frustration. So stay the course and don't expect anything from your W anytime soon. Don't mistake her politeness and her sounding "sad" as meaning she wants to come back, it's more likely just her attempt to help you through this because she knows you're hurting. Just keep at it and be very patient, don't expect any baby steps for many months yet.

[jjal]

Sounds like you're doing everything right, just hang in there and stick with the plan! The one thing I'll mention is that I kind of detect from your posts that you have some unspoken expectations that your W is changing her mind and may come back soon. It's only been 5 weeks, it is WAY too soon for her to come back, and she's probably not even thinking it yet. If she were to come back too soon it would likely just backfire anyway. The WAS needs time and space to work things out. LOTS of time and space. LBSs are as a rule very impatient, they tend to get tired of waiting and start doing temperature checks and applying other pressure. All that does is lead to disappointment and frustration. So stay the course and don't expect anything from your W anytime soon. Don't mistake her politeness and her sounding "sad" as meaning she wants to come back, it's more likely just her attempt to help you through this because she knows you're hurting. Just keep at it and be very patient, don't expect any baby steps for many months yet.

Thanks! Yes, very patient and I don't believe anything I see or hear or read. Just giving her space and giving myself space, enjoying this bit of freedom I have now.

[HurtHus]

It is really hard to maintain hope without having expectations. Good luck!

[jjal]

It is really hard to maintain hope without having expectations. Good luck!

Yes it is. Yes it is.