MLC Funhouse continues

[HaWho]

AJM- thanks for all the insights. Yes, you are right- I certainly had other options besides distancing. Knowing what I know now, I would handle things differently. You have given me a lot of good advice; thanks. I have many changes to make when it comes to my destructive pattern of distancing.

Mleigh-thanks for the post! I think the pattern you describe is a garden variety martial problem. How I coped, obviously, was not a healthy solution to a fairly common problem! I read somewhere that there is a lifecycle to a marriage. Now that my kids are more independent, my M needs quite a bit of CPR due to the flatlining that occurred these last few years. As H is in MLC, resuscitation can only take place in spurts.

By the way, I think many men, with or without MLC do feel bait and switched by M. My H says some of his friends admitted that once the children are born they are forgotten. From their standpoint, I do think many of them see that transference of attention to the kids and get jealous.

LouR-thanks for the advice and for sharing your situation. I also let that resentment build too. I saw H's time to himself and felt abandoned as well. I was jealous that his life seemed to roll on while mine changed SO drastically. My new life was unrecognizeable to my old life.

I should have handled it differently. I know I cannot bring those feelings along into the new M.

As for H and whether he knows he too needs to make changes, I think he does. He is still somewhere in MLC. He is moving along in there but he is not done yet. He has shown that he needs to make changes. His reaching out to me for a walk after the passive aggressive shot is a huge step for him. The apology is also a sign of tremendous growth. He is dealing with a lot: MLC, childhood issues, reviving a M, raising kids, financial responsibilities, etc.

I would like to do a complete 180 next time this happens. If he makes a comment like that again, I am going to be playful and peck him on the cheek and say: "no, no we both promised to leave the past behind." Then I will tousle his hair or do something flirtatious. I think this is a way I can re-wire. This way I do not distance and I do not leave the ball in his court. I make the changes in myself. Also, the playfulness will show that I done with that old song and dance.

[AJM]

By the way, I think many men, with or without MLC do feel bait and switched by M. My H says some of his friends admitted that once the children are born they are forgotten. From their standpoint, I do think many of them see that transference of attention to the kids and get jealous.

Perhaps many are caught up in the old/new ideals of being a father. The old? Dad comes home, puts on his slippers, smokes his pipe and drinks a martini, prepared by his stay-at-home wife who just finished making dinner and putting on her makeup to look pretty for him. The new? Middle of the night feeding junior, stay at home dad who just finished making dinner so mom could come home, put on her slippers and sip a martini while she admired her just manscaped husband.

A man or woman who doesn't think having a baby will change their lives, is just kidding themselves. A man or woman who doesn't have some sort of confusion of what they should or shouldn't be like in their relationship, at least between them, is kidding themselves.

I have never had the conversation with a buddy who said he felt abandoned by his spouse after the kids were born. I've known many that have allowed room in their families for the additions while struggling to keep their marriage alive. Know what it takes to do that? Both spouses working at it.

Resentment comes from failed to be met expectations. The funny part of that is that the expectations don't have to be realistic nor expressed. You can build resentment just by having an expectation and it not being met. I've seen some people that are like chameleons where they take on other people's expectations and resentments. That's bizarre to me, but I've seen it many times.

What I'm getting at is this. Your husband is still on board with trying to make things work. He wouldn't get upset or even be there if that was not something he wanted.

The same could be said for you. Changes usually happen in small increments, vs. tectonic shifts. Perhaps you could commit to making a change on some frequent basis, assess it for how it fits you, how you see yourself and what it is you want your life to be like? I think you'll find that deliberate changes can be earth-moving. It's just that you move it one shovel full at a time, so it seems slow at first.

All in all - be careful of your friends, the things you put in your heads, and make small changes consistently.

You just may find that you really do love this man and he, you.

Good luck on your journey.

AJ

[HaWho]

Thanks AJM!

So some interesting MLC conversations with H and some developments worth noting.

As I mentioned H is going away with old buddy in a few weeks. He is looking forward to it and I am happy as this friend is a good guy. H is making plans and a few days ago asked my input on his return agenda!?! First time he has done so since BD. He said he wanted to know what was easiest on me and the kids! I gave input but I was so surprised I forgot to validate. Before he leaves I will thank him for working his return around us.

Here's a little glimpse into the MLC mind at work. Today H says enthusiastically that he knows it's going to be a great day. This reminds me of H of old who always ate life with a big spoon. Since BD, he has been Eeyore. We head to the beach with kids.

En route kids ask H about his age. H says this age is tough for him as he is almost still young. He tells kids he thinks turning 50 will be easier because he feels he will have crossed the Rubicon. Then H tells kids some of the things he does that still make him feel young. Thankfully, they are of the wholesome variety. (I am relieved he does not say: I only felt young partying with my unmarried MLC friends.)

Then, he says something that I know is for my benefit as it is above the kids' heads. He advises that it is best not to tickle the past. He says it can lead to making decisions that are impossible to come back from. Mistakes can be made that are irrevocable. Then he says one must accept the present. I wait until he is done and then peck him on the cheek. He has an old glimmer in his eyes again.

Last thing I want to post is for the benefit of those who live with their MLCers. Seems these situations are few and far between and maybe some of this info. will be helpful to someone in the future.

About a month ago, weeks after H said he wanted to work on R he said he wanted to move back into the master bedroom. He set the exact date. The day of, I happened to be out of the house most of the day. I expected to come home and find he had covertly moved back in. But when I returned home he had not moved any of his clothes back. So I assumed it was all talk and no action.

I was upstairs in the master bedroom, it was hours before bedtime, early evening. H comes in with a huge stack of his clothes. He looked at me with a tail between his legs look. I smirked and told him I felt like my boyfriend was moving in, then kissed him quickly. He chuckled. I expected him to do move in while I was out but instead he made a huge show of the move back into the master room; almost theatrical! He even enlisted one of our sons to help him! H is usually very private about such things. The two of them were like ants going up and down. He was very loud and overt about it. Cheerful and industrious but he wanted everyone to see the move in. I still have no idea why he chose to do it this way? Did he want validation?

Anyway, for weeks he still showered downstairs. This too surprised me as I just assumed when he moved back, it would be 100%. I almost said something as it hurt me that he was still showering down there. (The sound of that shower will always remind me of his move out and his MLC.) But as things were moving in the right direction I said nothing and acted "as if." Now, months later H showers in our bathroom, about 90% of the time. His toothbrush is still downstairs.

At "move in" he started to come to the room to watch a little TV with me and chat a bit. Very small increments. Again, I expected full immersion, but that did not happen. I acted "as if" here too. Then last week we started to watch movies together and H stays in the room for much longer periods. He usually asks me to come up with him or will ask what time I am ready to go upstairs. If I am going up, I pop into the downstairs room to tell him I am going up.

The same pattern emerged on weekend mornings. H stayed for small doses-very disappointing! Then, over the last few weeks he lingers like he used to do.

All in all, H's return to master bedroom is best described as watching a feral cat domesticate itself.

[AJM]

All in all, H's return to master bedroom is best described as watching a feral cat domesticate itself

I actually spit some water on the screen at this one. That's a funny look at it!

If you haven't already, you may want to have a look around at some of the others in the past that have walked this walk. The slowwwwww reintegration is exactly that - slow. Fits and spurts. Two steps forward, one step back - cha cha cha sort of thing.

Don't be surprised if there are good and not so good moments. And don't forget the things you've learned.

Overall, glad to hear what you are seeing!

AJ

[HaWho]

Hi AJ- it is not only slow but none of it happens the way one would expect.

I am learning that some of the same advice follows: act as if, lower expectations and don't pressure at all.

The other thing that surprises me is that everything seems to come from left field. Just as you say, few steps forward, step back; rinse and repeat.

As far as I can see--and I live with him 24/7--there is no way to see what is coming down the pike. In general, there is just this herky-jerky like movement forward.

Gives me plenty of time to continue to make a better version of myself.

[AJM]

Gives me plenty of time to continue to make a better version of myself.

So basically, it's "I can't predict the future or tell what he's thinking and so I can't really be planned and prepared for all the eventualities and therefore I will take it as it comes and work on me"?

Seems very wise, HW.

AJ

[mleigh4]

Very wise! I like it

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, I agree that you are showing great wisdom and patience with your sitch. And a great analogy with the feral cat....I just hope he doesn't spray anywhere!!

I'm glad to read how things are going for you guys and find it useful to keep up with your thread.

Good luck with everything xx

[HaWho]

Thanks AJ, Mleigh and Sotto. I appreciate the pep talk.

Today I am thinking about the varied way MLCers journey through. For those who stand while their MLCers leave, there are oftentimes coming and going boundaries that need setting. Then the LBS has to deal with the MLCers stuff that remains--constant triggers.

For those of us who stand while the MLCer is in the home, there are triggers of a different sort. I find I have many sound triggers. This is quite concerning as I have always tried to make my home a safety zone from all that happens in the outside world.

As I mentioned the other day, the sound of the downstairs shower is a huge sound trigger for me. When H moved downstairs he only used that shower. I can hear it from my upstairs bedroom and heard it run at all odd hours as H raced through replay: wreckless coming and goings. I still hate the sound of that shower. Whenever I hear it there is this quick panic that hits me and old thoughts come back: is he going to see an OW? Is he going to empty the bank account and leave us with nothing? Is he going to leave for good? Where does he go for all that time? How did this become my reality?

In worst of fog, when I shrunk a sweater of H's (I am not so good at laundry), with shark eyes and in front of kids H hissed: "stop doing my laundry! It's over!" Sound of washer is a trigger. It brings me right back there. When we discussed repairing R, H said he would continue doing his own laundry. I think this is good given the situation. When I see him carrying his laundry down, I still have to leave the room. When he leaves his laundry in the washer, I don't turn it over into the dryer. Petty, I know. But a real trigger for me.

The sound of the garage door is a real issue for me. It is beneath the master bedroom and so I became intimate with all of H's comings and goings. So much listening in those days! Ah, he's back! Thank goodness he is alive. What? He's leaving? Where is he going now?

After months and months of this self inflicted torture, sleepless nights and so much worry, I wheeled this very loud air purifier next to me. When turned on to the max level it was as peaceful as an airplane hangar in my room. But mission accomplished: I could not hear that garage door anymore! (Thankfully my big dog who always sleeps right at the front door would be able to hear if an axe murderer came around!)

I credit that crazy air purifier for saving my sanity. I think of the volleyball (Wilson) in Cast Away. That is what that purifier was to me.

With the instituting of that air purifier, coupled with turning off the phone, a domino effect occurred. I couldn't hear his comings and goings so I was able to truly let go, then acting "as if" was effortless! Then he started to squirm. I could see it. Why isn't she hostile that I rolled in at such a crazy hour?

Coincidentally, replay ground to a halt when, once I was free from "hearing," I began sleeping/thinking again so I told him: you should go out and have fun tonight! Big 180 that shocked him! More letting go! (Go run but I am no longer the authority figure in your life.) More acting "as if" but wait, what is this? I am no longer "acting." More squirming from H.

But now, as replay seems to have run its course, MLC "friends" seem to be out of the picture, H now says where he is going, when he will he back and seems to be settling a touch, those two sounds are still triggers for me.

I wish I could pack up those sounds into giant garbage bags and toss them to the curb.

[dejavu2]

HaWho -- you are an amazing woman! Your patience and ability to listen in incredible. I am so happy for you that he is slowly opening his eyes again.