I have to agree with Shiny about your situation being a tad bit wicky-wacky. You must be an enormously patient human being. I'm not too sure that I would be able to hold up under the same circumstances.
Could your H be chemically imbalanced? Is this something that you've already hashed over? If so, I apologize for bringing it up.
I think the idea of being a little mysterious is a good one. Nothing big, maybe an evening away from the house now and then.
Thanks Jeanine and Shiny and Faith- Just a sec to check in and apologize for not stopping in on your threads! I would love to catch up tonight. Just a quick update: H has spent almost 4 nights at home but leaves for a bit before returnin....I told him he had an anxiety disorder jokingly and neurotic- maybe he agrees? Shay
Oh hell yeah that's big! Admitting we have a "problem" is HARD for the best of us amd extra hard for men, I believe.
What about doing a little research on anxiety disorders, Shay? I found (part) of my salvation in a self-help work book by Edmund Bourne "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook". There are also some excellent sites on line (can't think of one though!)
Thanks Shiny- he has recognized that I guess. Lee- yes, that is good!! Not so great night last night - got into OR talks. H was telling me all about some coworker that had a hooker in Paris on a trip and how H was embarrassed for the guy and how everyone knew about it and H thinks the guy along with several others we discussed are D now. So when H left too quickly, PMA was low for me. I started thinking about all the people at H office and the high D rate. So the long and short of OR talk : oops back in minute....
Ok, so sorry: the gist of the R talk was this: H has been staying more this week and it has been hard for him- he doesnt feel an emotional connection - I am hard to talk to, he is hard to talk to. He has felt flat for the last month- like he has nothing to look forward to. Pretty bad huh? He does OK at the lake. He is trying to understand why a stranger made him feel so good and said they used to talk easily. He hasnt been in contact. He feels a sense of relief when he goes to his sister's. I am really tired of this! I think he would like to connect emotionally but we dont know how. He wants to know my true feelings even when they are bad. Pretty much a downer. I told him how I felt last 2 years and how the meds helped me with anxiety and why go around feeling bad because you dont want to take medicine? I think about a month ago he had hoped that he would want to stay home by the summer. He is such a downer at times. He said maybe this is how it is supposed to be?? It was worth coming back for the backrub last night. He thought maybe we should talk more but this talk didnt help me too much. I am really tired of him sticking up for OW. I asked him if he was sorry he did it and he said yes it was unfair to me, unfair to her and unfair to him. I asked him more questions about how they went from having lunch to having sex and he didnt answer. He said he was uncomfortable talking about it and it was personal and embarrassing. Makes me sick- so he is not over that fantasy and is really dipping in PMA. He said he is up and down and doesnt tell me about it because it is unfair to me to subject me to that emotional swing. What do you think? What could help us? Shay
Well there could be a lot of things going on. Obviously he has lots of guilt over this. Remeber that after the A it take a while to heal and for things to start to come back to normal. I know its hard to be patient. I think it will become easier for you H to talk to you if you are completely open to what he has to say. Not judging not defending yourself Just validating his feelings. If he feels that there is no reason for him to be scared to talk to you I really think he will open up much more.
I know In my sitch if I felt like my W was a completely safe person to talk to I would talk to her more about my feelings. Right now Im still in the mode of acting as if. Which I dont need as much as I did before but still need it sometimes.
Reaally get to thinking on what you can do to make him feel totally safe talking to you about anything.
I guess I let my emotions and resentment seep in and found myself being critical of the OW. I need to do better dont I? I am so sick of hearing the good stuff about her. H did say it is just a chemical reaction and he is trying to figure out why it happened. He is reading "love is a decision" and really likes it. He called earlier and I was pleasant and chatty. I wish I knew how to get emotionally close. Must be through talking- maybe a MC again or just try tonight to listen better if we talk. On the good side, we are going away from maybe thurs through Monday- this would be a record! He seems not to be too anxious about it, but he keeps things from me so as not to introduce me to the emotional roller coaster- but I have already met him now havent I?? about 2 years ago.... Thanks Lee- you make too much sense Shay
I have just dropped in on your thread. It's pretty up and down huh?
Quote: I guess I let my emotions and resentment seep in and found myself being critical of the OW. I need to do better dont I? I am so sick of hearing the good stuff about her.
A couple of years after I first got together with H I started to talk about XBF of 7 year in more positive tones. He was PO'd. But I said I am not such an idiot credit with me some taste. I think that's what you need to think about OW. You are sick of hearing the good stuff, of course you are, but your H is not an idiot and you might be proud of that. He has to excuse his own behaviour too. If he felt he had been having an A with devil woman then how would that make him feel.
Anyway if she's so great and he still picks you....
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
yes, that is good!!
I am hard to talk to, he is hard to talk to. He has felt flat for the last month- like he has nothing to look forward to. Pretty bad huh? He does OK at the lake. He is trying to understand why a stranger made him feel so good and said they used to talk easily. He hasnt been in contact. He feels a sense of relief when he goes to his sister's. I am really tired of this! I think he would like to connect emotionally but we dont know how. He wants to know my true feelings even when they are bad. Pretty much a downer. I told him how I felt last 2 years and how the meds helped me with anxiety and why go around feeling bad because you dont want to take medicine? I think about a month ago he had hoped that he would want to stay home by the summer. He is such a downer at times. He said maybe this is how it is supposed to be?? It was worth coming back for the backrub last night. He thought maybe we should talk more but this talk didnt help me too much. I am really tired of him sticking up for OW. I asked him if he was sorry he did it and he said yes it was unfair to me, unfair to her and unfair to him. I asked him more questions about how they went from having lunch to having sex and he didnt answer. He said he was uncomfortable talking about it and it was personal and embarrassing. Makes me sick- so he is not over that fantasy and is really dipping in PMA. He said he is up and down and doesnt tell me about it because it is unfair to me to subject me to that emotional swing. What do you think? What could help us? 