Wow Zeus you have given me so much to think about! How do you set a goal towards independence? I'm not even honestly sure what that would look like? Any good books on co dependency? You have made me realize no matter how healthy I can fake it i will not be happy in any relationship unless I'm happy with myself first! So can U help guide me with goal ideas? This A has been going on a year will it ever end?!
Oh come on, I'm only kidding, if you can't joke about this crap what can you?
I just posted something on Different's thread you can check out. I think it's nice to know what the road ahead may look like. And to have some goals both for where you want to be, and for how you want to conduct yourself.
Independence is a strange thing. I think you define your goals by thinking of what you're doing now that ISN'T independent, then picturing the opposite. So if dependence is being unable to leave financially, independence would be having the means to take care of yourself in some fashion. If dependence is living your life for his approval, independence would be valuing your own opinion (or God's) more, and following your own path even when it leads him to act nasty or controlling. You've already started to kick this stuff around. It's not a time for desperate action anyway, just a good time to start letting go of the beliefs that have trapped you for so long and at least imagine it could be different.
As for core beliefs, it's good to have a few to guide you through the storm. As I said in my post to Different, emotions of all types will toss the ship around. It's good to ground yourself so you're not reacting to the latest phase of emotion.
Organized religion isn't for everyone, but it brings a lot of benefits. It provides those core beliefs, and helps to lead to independence as well because you focus on your R with God over a dysfunctional partner. Many people dismiss religion (and I have at times), but if one rolls their eyes and throws away that foundation they better replace it with something else that inspires and guides them. I think WAS's are proof that following feelings through life leads to destruction.
Keep posting and take it easy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well I answered with 2 only! I got back lol just fed kids and put them down for a nap thinking about heading to garage! I did not reply to that! Got home he was in bed playing a game on his phone I simply went in and laid on my side of the bed! He just said hi and I said it back I shut the tv off he told me to turn it on in a joking manner I told him he can go to living room and watch it! He then fell asleep! He woke up I heard him get up but ignored him! I got up about 15 mins before I needed to leave he asked me to get money from ATM so I did! He informed me he has spent 95$ in two days! That means I had 10$ to get into races and no money for food and drink for me or kids! I knew this because I take care of the money! I got a little huffy but was not short or say anything mean I just said it was fine im sure the look on my face did not portray that! We only have 140 a week for gas groceries and racing and him eating out with the guys at work on Fridays! Yep he spent all that only 20$ of it on gas it took me 40$ to fill my car! I got back he handed me 20$ back for food and drinks told me a friend was paying his way until he got his money back at end of night! He then told me he can handle it I just need to talk to him instead of having an attitude! He gave the girls a hug told them to behave and came and gave me a one arm side hug and told me to cheer up! I guess better than me yelling like I wanted to die to his lack of responsibility! I will not text him anything at the track and will be in bed when he gets home!
Ha I can't imagine financially independence! I have my nursing degree just never took my boards. It is not what I want to do but I could do it for a while! It costs 400$ to take each time I don't pass and I don't have that right now and I need to study I have been out about 4 years! I have considered a second job but my days off right now I pick up and drop off his daughter have kids in school and their activities those days and I work every other weekend the weekend im off we have all the kids! Maybe I can find something im off by 2-3! I will have to stay strong and tell him the extra paycheck is mine because I'm working the extra job! I'm not sure who I live my life for probably keeping him happy and being a door mat! I will have to look closer at that! My MIL studies Buddhism and it sounds interesting but I'm baptized Lutheran! My kids are always beging to go to church so maybe we will start doing that! I will stop over and read your post on the other thread! I am also considering buying co dependency more and the workbook! One step at a time right! I NEED to do this in order to have any healthy relationship! I need to look truly at my fears! Thanks Zeus you are great!
Well grad party today I did way way slip! This is so hard! I text him last night ILY after he won his first race! And we ML today! It was probably the best time in over a year! I have to stop though! I want a healthy relationship! He did something very weird last night though! Any ideas on the behavior? I told him the girls and I were not coming in two weeks to races! He asked why because of kids or OW? Why would he care if OW bothered me? Why would he initiate ML?
Well Grad party went ok. OW best friend came and I just stayed upbeat and smilled the entire time. Some family we have not seen in a long time showed up and I was introduced as his partner actually felt kind of weird for the first time. I thought It would feel good and sweet but it was by his aunt and it actually made me want to say ex partner and I am not sure why! A few questions, (I am re-reading the book) so what do I do when he initiates ML, hugs, cuddles, or asks me to go to garage? Do I say no or do I go ahead some of the time? He did comment today that ML with OW was very inconvenient. Kind of made me smile on the inside. Hopefully he is getting sick of it. only thing is now that I have been on here I know I am not ready for him to come back and I know if he did we would end up in the same place. I need to become stronger first. I almost feel like im in the very start of detatchment. It is weird. He fell asleep in the living room last night I got up went out to see if he came home and left him out there I guess i did not really care if he came to bed. that is a 180 for me because i usually wake him up!
