I have been reading a lot threads on this page. Still not up to touch on the abbreviations.
The story is I got divorced/broke up 9 months ago. We have 2 kids 6 and 3. She is totally done with me I am not done with her. I will do ANYTHING for us to get back together but I am in a very low state of mind now. Depressed and lonely.
The relationship could in many ways have been better but she was my first big love, first one I ever lived with. Long story short I did all the wrong things. She works as a nurse and I as an engineer. I was not happy in my first job but stayed to earn the money needed for the family. She works a lot of evening shifts and weekends (part time) which ment I was alone with the kids a lot. I got stressed and depressed. I became the pursuer. I missed her love. Sex was maybe once a month for years. I felt rejected in the relationship and did not know how to change it. I did the mistake of giving flowers, arranging dinners together and yes pursue. I lost confidence in my self and she lost respect for me. I did not have the energy or time to GAL. There was work and family and I did prioritize getting out fishing, hunting and running. When she did not work weekends I prioritized time together with the family. However I did try getting her to take the kids in the car to her parents herself so that I could get things done around the house. This however was not an option. She did not want to drive herself, go grocery shopping or more or less anything alone with the kids.
The nagging became more and more prevalent to the point where I did know how to do anything correct anymore. I felt like walking on eggshells and every initiative, idea or pretty much anything was not received positively. I know now she was testing me. Testing my strength. I became the underdog, the pursuer, the hopeless romantic. I had no idea how to get the attraction and respect back. She started wanting to get out. She did not say anything but she started partying a lot and getting home drunk the next morning. I was so confused, scared of losing and became jealous of her male friend who was getting a lot of attention. A friend I saw as my own... We ended up in marriage counselling and that of course this not end good. I was asked to share all my feelings and I was up s... creek at that time and not at all in control of my emotions. And I cried when I realised I was loosing everything only confirming her belief that I was week. I was week at the moment. Shortly after the message was no hugs, no kisses no physical contact and by the way she would be leaving early for work to help her male friend putting up a shelf. I could not do it. I could not keep my cool and ended up packing my bags and driving to my parents place with tears in my eyes. Just writing this makes me realize there is no way I will get her love and respect back. She was already out the door but did not have the emotional courage to end it.
So here I am 9 months later. Still pining for her and getting the nuclear family back. I was needy, desperate, wrote probably a dusin messages trying to explain what went wrong and how I understand now and that we can work on it. But that of course in no way work. I have been diagnosed with a depression which probably contributed to me being so emotional in the break up phase. I really was only a shell in the end.
I feel miserable reading about what I should have done. What I should have done years ago. I had no clue. I do now, but it is probably too late. She has made it clear she never wants me back. The best thing would probably be to move on. But every emotion in me says it is wrong. That deep down we still love eachother and that with the knowledge I am gathering now the relationship could be what it should have been.
Have any of you seen a miracle come back from something like this? I know there are other fish in the sea and all, but there is only one mother of my kids. I will do anything for a shot more at this. It all went way to fast for me...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
welcome, sorry that u're here, but u came to the right place, here u will find people that will give you the best advice and guidance, make sure u read the DR and DB.! And the threads that cadet posted for u.!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm sorry you are here and having such a difficult time. How are you dealing with your depression? Are you seeing an IC? As you read the books and the link about detachment, a key component will be that you know you will be okay with or without your W. Given your comments about your emotional state and that you write this is your first real love, an IC really would be helpful in giving you the tools to handle what has happened and to get you to a healthy you.
And you will question the idea of detaching. Won’t that mean W will think Soeren has moved on? It really is about getting Soeren healthy. And from what you write, W knows you want to R. How has that worked out?
You wrote you’ll do anything for a shot. Start by taking the focus off of W and place it on getting Soeren healthy and detached. This is the first step in a very long journey. And right now, it is the only, and most important step.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
No danger in her finding anything. We are not living together anymore and have not done so since november 2014.
I did ALL the mistakes. And this is beyond repair. I became a shell of my self. A doormat. I lost confidence in my self and she lost respect and attraction. I made it way to easy for her to behave like she did. I was a romantic fool that did not understand where the love was gone. Truth is it had not been there for years. I was kept along for practical reasons and when I became to stressed and down because I did not understand what was going on I was pushed out. I say pushed out because that is what happened.
As I wrote I did all the mistakes. I continously tried to keep the R together and thereby loosing myself, my self respect, my manliness, her respect and her attraction to me. Sex did improve slightly during counseling, but when the counselor wanted me to open for my feelings I lost it. We were suppose to look at eachother and tell eachother that we loved one another. She could not say it because at that point she did not love me. And what happened. I fell apart emotionally as I could see it all slip away. And I cried like a little girl encouraged by the counsellor. I was up s... Creek emotionally. I had lost 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. I became unglued...
Up to that was a long period of her nagging, correcting and me gradually losing myself. She is a very rigid and stubborn person. I remember the christening of my firstborne. The ex is a declared atheist and said it was fine if I wanted her baptized. However she refused to stand up in church during the ceremony. She refused to that for me.
I do however love her with all my heart. She is the mother of my children. A good mom. We share a lot of values or shared. In the end all she wanted was freedom and to get away from me. The only good thing she could say about me in the counselling was that I was a good father and if it had not been for the kids she would have left long ago.
I should have done GAL long ago. But you dont do that with a wife on maternity leave, a son that is suffering from bronchitis and stomach problems and not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time the first year of his life, +full time job, the expectation that I should do at least the same amount of work in the house, take care of finances, mortgages, insurance (crappy house), gardening, car, kids etc.
You just dont do GAL. You suck it up and pass out on the couch once the kids are tucked in.
I know I am in victim mode but I am trying to justify some of my actions or lack thereoff. Once she started work again she started on reduced time. Working a lot of evenings and weekends. Needless to say when she was home a weekend I prioritized spending time together as a family.
I think you get the point. I was a family man but I totally lost my mojo. Became a worried shadow of myself only confirmed by the M-counselor.
She wanted freedom and started acting like a teenager. And I just thougt if I showed enough affection she would come around.
The ship has sailed and I am not on it. I want my family and life back but it is not going to happen. To top it off I am struggling with a depression which was probably already there during the relationship.
Still I am hoping she will discover the grass is not greener on the other side. Chances of that is slim to none.
Just writing all of this makes me depressed and I want to kick myself for being like that. Hindsight is a MF...
Best thing for me is to let her go. Done is done. I messed up. But I seriously do not feel it is right. It ended so fast for me. 10 years down the drain. All i did was love her.
If some of you in her believe in miracles I will hold on. She is the mother of my children and we did have a lot of good things together. We did love eachother once. I sure still love her and want to save the nuclear family...
#Nettles you are correct. Getting well again is the first priority. I am seeing IC. But I think on of the main things I have to focus on is detachment. I had way too much of myself invested in the relationship. All dreams and thoughts of the future included her.
The IC I am seeing now put me on medication which I think has had an adverse effect on me. Message is I need to be yanked out of the depression in order to be able to see things in the right perspective. Right now it is still a vicious cycle of negative self blame and an inability to see the bright side of life. The bright sides are there. In all of this I managed to get a new well paid job closer to the kids with shorter hours. I have been able to buy a large apartment for me and the kids. But my mind is not in it.
What the IC told me is that my ex wife might not be capable of receiving and giving real love. However the description of a wayward wife pretty much sums it up. She may be head strong and stubborn but I seriously do not think she has a disorder. The IC however was of the opinion that my boundaries have gradually been pushed over the years. I think I had as much to do with that not realizing women will test your strength again and again. That is a generalisation I know.
Nothing anyone has said has been able to trigger any anger against her.
After reading a lot on the subject I understand her reactions. Maybe even if she does not. It is hard not to blame yourself when you can check of so many mistakes. Some where along the way I stopped being a man she could respect. The IC believes I was gradually pushed to it but I did not make it hard for her. I was young, insecure and had no experience. Now it is too late to change with her..
Getting well again is the first priority. I am seeing IC. But I think on of the main things I have to focus on is detachment.
Amen, brother.
Originally Posted By: Soeren
Right now it is still a vicious cycle of negative self blame and an inability to see the bright side of life. The bright sides are there.
You have to love and respect yourself before anyone can love and respect you. As far as the blame, my father-in-law had some great advice for me. He said "It takes 2 to divorce. You own 100% of your 50% in it."
Originally Posted By: Soeren
What the IC told me is that my ex wife might not be capable of receiving and giving real love. However the description of a wayward wife pretty much sums it up. She may be head strong and stubborn but I seriously do not think she has a disorder. The IC however was of the opinion that my boundaries have gradually been pushed over the years. I think I had as much to do with that not realizing women will test your strength again and again. That is a generalisation I know.
I hope the focus of the IC sessions isn't all about the W. I hope most of the time is spent on Soeren and what you do going forward.
Originally Posted By: Soeren
After reading a lot on the subject I understand her reactions. Maybe even if she does not. It is hard not to blame yourself when you can check of so many mistakes. Some where along the way I stopped being a man she could respect. The IC believes I was gradually pushed to it but I did not make it hard for her. I was young, insecure and had no experience. Now it is too late to change with her..
You are only guessing on why she reacted why she did. That should be covered in MC if and when the time comes.
Detachment. GAL. Realizing Soeren is going to be okay no matter what the outcome. Take the focus off of what W thought, the mistakes you made, all the past. There will be a time and a place for that. Not yet though.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I think it is all final. We were through Couples counselling before I moved out. She does not love me or want me. We live totally separate lives now. Only thing holding us together is the kids. She is seemingly happy in her new life. She knows I hit rock bottom when the breakup was final. She knows I do not love myself. She knows I am pretty pathetic. And I was desperate in every aspect. We are not coming back from that. For her the relationship was dead for years. I am the only one not accepting the facts. I feel I lost everything. I should get up and get out there. Problem is I only want her.
It is over. And I need to realize this. I have waisted 9 months. Several months on rock bottom and several months crying in my car on my way to work. It was a mental break down for me.
Focus must be on me and the kids now.
It is too late following the rules. Her mind is made up. I will read the books when I receive them knowing it will hurt reading about all the things I did wrong.
I just hope it will give some tools not to feel so stuck anymore..
