Doesn't that fly in the face of what DB stands for? The DR book gives you hope that a D can be avoided yet the reality is that you need to come to terms with a D and move on as a better human being knowing that the chances of a successful second marriage are even less than first time round.
Be careful about the second marriage statistic. Cause if I was a betting person I would say 99% of marriages that started as affairs would fail, so maybe that really skews your second marriage statistic.
It think all we can do is control our 50% of any relationship and be the best that we can be and then we are likely to be 100% successful no matter what.
Or is it that most don't have the drive and determination to DB and so give up and take the easy (easier) option?
Really stirring things up here, does anyone get banned from the forum for being too negative? Eeek!
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Yeah, I'm not sure why the heck I am doing this if your saying it is not likely to work. I'm certainly not doing it to just make myself a better person as a consolation prize.
I'm with Beagley, perhaps most of us just don't have the drive and determination to DB.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Be careful about the second marriage statistic. Cause if I was a betting person I would say 99% of marriages that started as affairs would fail, so maybe that really skews your second marriage statistic.
It's not my statistic it's one often quoted everywhere and referenced in the DR book.
Also I wasn't thinking of my W chances of being successful with marrying the OM, I was thinking of me and all the others who end up succumbing to (or accepting as the easy option) a D.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I think it is tough to survey whether the DB techniques work or not based on posts on a BB. I think many who do reconcile stop posting on here 1) Because they think they are cured and don't need to anymore, or 2) so it doesn't seem like rubbing it in everyone's faces that their lives have turned around. I'd like to think if my W and I reconcile, that I will still post for awhile to give people encouragement, but I also wouldn't want to seem like I'm gloating or overconfident either.
It's definitely a mindset that is hard to grasp. We are conditioned to tell ourselves if my wife cheats, I'm outta here, but in reality, it is hard to leave. Sitting around being a doormat and begging for her back and to leave OM is usually where most of us start, and then learn the DB techniques to give us the best chance. Since there is no magic powder to sprinkle around, it ends up being W's ultimate choice whether to come back or not. The hardest part is not being in control of that situation. The DB techniques are something we can do to increase the chances and make it all hurt a little less.
ralphy, so you seem to be saying that because human's typically report the negative and keep the positive to themselves (for fear of being considered smug, or they jump off the DB path as they think they are "sorted") that actually the number who do reconcile is higher than might be construed through looking at the general thread of stories? Which, if true is very encouraging, in some ways, it's those who keep up the DB ethics that really succeed.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I have no idea if it works or not, or what the statistics are. I know that I feel better and seem to make progress when I follow what it says.
I also know if I was on a BB claiming to help me stop smoking and everyone on there was a smoker, and then I stopped smoking, I probably wouldn't stay on the BB talking to a bunch of smokers, I would be out enjoying being a non-smoker.
The same applies here. If I'm miserable in my M, and then somehow it turns around and I'm happy again, I'm less likely to stay on here for an extended period of time with people who are having M problems. It's just human nature I think.
There is probably a bias in the BB as well. The people whose R are in the worst shape (mine included) are going to frequent the BB (read: need support) more often than the people for whom DB has worked very effectively.
Bottom line, no one is forcing anyone to apply these strategies. If they make sense to you, then try them. If they don't, there are certainly many other web sites/books/therapies to try.
So wait, what are the statistics of DB working? I am confused. Does anyone know? I know 2 couples in real life who went from "ILYBINILWY" and EA's to "happily married" with regular counseling. People don't usually discuss this so there could be more out there. I know lots of divorced people, don't know if they went to MC or did DB or not, because again, people don't usually discuss this.
Then there are variables, personality differences, EA's vs PA's, (not sure if it makes a difference), other marital issues, religious views, etc. IDK if there is a way to measure.
DB makes sense for me right now and is working , but slowly, so I am going to keep it up. I also agree that people might not post when things improve, I know things for me are pretty bad but even so I feel "guilty" posting that we are still having sex or that we are going out for dinner, because it sounds better than what a lot of people are dealing with.
The hard statistics aren't available and would be hard (impossible) to determine accurately because of all that's been said above.
The thrust of the discussion was whether this BB has a bias toward those who believe (or have no choice) a D. The good news is that there are different views as everyone's sitch is different and so it is best to read all the threaded with a completely open mind and keep it open as your own sitch is completely different to everyone else; albeit with a few parallels perhaps
Everyone should apply the DB philosophy with equal determination and intent as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How long the tunnel is and whether it's ultimately worth keeping going along it is up to everyone to decide, just don't be swayed by the seeming majority on this BB who are struggling and perhaps of the mindset, so need validation, to give up and accept a D.
Not trying to make enemies here, rather suggesting everyone keep on their toes and in their own sitch rather than be led by others sitch too much.
Does this make any sense, I am a bit of a intellectualiser (is that a real word?) so can get very deep into things and need to lighten up a bit.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
