Married 2 years no kids. She is 45 me 50. 2nd marriage for me, was married 17 years with 2 kids, grown now. She never married, was in 10 year relationship that ended 4 years ago.
So here we are now. Or at least me.
Our issues came to a head at the first of the year. We went to counseling and seemed to resolve the issue at hand, which about money.
One month goes by and bigger issue comes up. She says she doesn't trust me. That I had broken her trust. Not my intention mind you. So we go to counseling again and I realize what a big issue it had been. So I work on that, vowing never to break her trust again. Which I wouldn't do. Only thing it apparently became too big of issue, we would go to counselling, I would acknowledge and ask for forgiveness. But she couldn't get past it. It became the I love you, but I'm not in love you. Not sure if I can ever feel the same way again. She asked for space, which I guess I had a hard time giving. I just want to get past this and move forward to a bright future with her. Everything was looking up money wise. So I am trying, being rebuffed everyday for 4 months. She lived in the other room. Occasionally we would go out. But it wasn't the same. I would say I Love You. She would say I know. I could kiss her on the forehead but not the lips. At this same time she started hanging out a lot at one of her girlfriends house, only girlfriend at the time. Her girlfriend is 15 years younger. And her boyfriend had just blindsided her by moving out of their house while she was out of town. So my wife was over there a lot. Even before our issues coming to a forefront. I had found all the stop your divorce things online. Found a couple of Marriage Saving weekends to go to. At first she said she would go. I mean I wanted to try everything, have us both try. But she could never fit it into her schedule. Then I found another marriage system online. Something we could do without leaving the home. She agreed. But never made time to do it. I did. I also got many, many relationship books. But we could never get past the past. She couldn't let us.
So here I am now. She moved to her younger girlfriends last month. And right away began boxing everything of hers up. She couldn't wait to get out it seemed. She has an apartment coming the end of the month. She filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. She sometimes comes over to get stuff. But she says I make her anxious. That she doesn't feel comfortable being around me. These are hard words to hear. It doesn't sound like her. She says she has to put up walls around her so she doesn't get hurt. I have always been there for her. The only arguments we have had recently is me trying to get her to try or let me in. For us to work on this.
So that's where I am. I don't want a divorce. She does. She thinks that is the solution.
My solution would have been working on this together as a team. But it hasn't been. She has her single girls support. To me it feels like her friends have been rah rah on the divorce. One of our main problems is we didn't have any real friends of ours that were couples. People who have been down the road and recovered and made marriage better.
Thanks
Just asking what to do
Last edited by Cadet; 07/15/1508:11 AM. Reason: book reference not allowed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your wife's behavior is very common with WAW. My wife also moved in with her single best friend. Her husband had also left her the year prior. She has all these new girlfriends that popped up overnight that support her new lifestyle. She has even distanced herself from her family because she doesn't want to hear common sense.
You are in full pursuit mode by the sound of it and need to pull way back and detach. You have seen first hand that pursuit techniques are not working. Joint counseling is not working. You need to give her some space and work on yourself. Go out and get a life. Read Sandi's 37 rules and commit them to memory. Stop initiating physical contact. Stop telling her I love you. You are pushing her farther away by doing this by the sound of it. Show her that you can be independent and that your fortunes have turned around. Your wife does not envision a future with you in it at this point. It will take time, patience, and work on your part to change this.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Ok I get the pulling back But do I go thru with the divorce? I have to file a response to be served within the next week. I don't want this to go thru so fast. Do I stall on it? How do I slow the divorce process down? She is going on vacation to her family out of state for the next week plus. Her sister just got divorced a couple of months ago. She will be hanging out with her a lot.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Had dinner with my wife for about 20 minutes as she headed back to her home state for the next week. I gave her a hug goodbye.....I gave her a hug she did not hug back. So I know I should go dark now. Is there any advice when the divorce is in progress. She just wants to get it done as quickly as possible. Is there a suggested strategy when it gets to this. When she returns she will be packing the rest of her stuff (on my birthday no less) and moving into her apartment. She has been at friends last 3 weeks.
