I read and re-read DR and have been practicing the steps and think I am seeing changes but need some reassurance so let me fill you in on my story...
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married 10 years on August 6th. A year ago he came to me and said he was unhappy in our marriage and wanted out, without going to any counseling, he did not want to work on our problems. He wouldn't even tell me what he felt the problems were. He took a day and came back and said he would go to counseling. We went to 1 session together and he stated he wanted to go by himself and not with me. He never made an appointment. It seemed that things were getting better since we were being more intimate (a lot) and spending more time together. My husband AVOIDS conflict all the time and keeps things to himself until the pot boils over. We do not fight, ever! I know now that is just as detrimental to the relationship. On April 6, the day after Easter, I found a text message on his phone from another woman. He had been having an emotional affair with her. We sat down to talk it out and he told me that he has hit rock bottom and needed counseling and space. I was hurt, of course, but told him that I too believed he needed to go to counseling and get help. 1 month later and I started in doing everything wrong, pursuing, crying, asking questions, etc. You name it! Everything in the don't column. He moved out May 6th. Told me on June 7th he wanted a divorce then I found out by being served papers out of the blue that he signed the divorce petition 5 days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I am just so shocked by the time table and how quick and sudden things turned on me. We have a 4 year old son together and time sharing has been a challenge.
I am struggling a bit with doing the 180 because after a lot of soul searching I know a big problem is that I do things with our son without him, because his work schedule is opposite of mine. He never wants to do things with us when we are free. So I question the GAL since that seems to make him more angry. GAL has really helped me get out of my funk and keeping busy definitely helps. Will it give him the impression that life will be good as a divorced couple? this is where I waffle.
I did write him a letter taking responsibility for my faults in the marriage and apologizing to him for not loving him the way he needed to be loved. I praised him for being there for us financially (that is important to him) and as a father. I stated that I wanted to be his friend even after the divorce in order to co-parent our son together and that I still wanted to be married to him. I validated his feelings of unhappiness. Since he read that on Wednesday things seem to have softened with him. He called me on Friday for no reason. First time he has called me in 2 months.
so....what do I do now? thanks for listening
Last edited by Cadet; 07/13/1507:38 PM.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1) Will call me first 2) Will show some form of affection, touch arm, side hug, etc. 3) Will make a plan to talk without son around
He has done #1, working on the other two. I put 3 as a goal because in the phone conversation we had last week he made a comment about wanting to continue talking not on the phone but in person. I said I am available to talk when he is ready and to let me know when he is ready. This was a big 180 for me since I always wanted to talk about things right now, not waiting.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I understand that detaching is meant for me and to help me feel better but does it give the impression that I don't give a crap and that divorce isn't going to be a bad thing, since I seem okay? This is where I am struggling about doing the right thing because it feels so awkward. That means I am not going down a cheese less tunnel, right?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
H admitted this weekend that he missed me but he also said that he checked out of our marriage a long time ago. I am ready to GAL and leave him behind. Is he a wayward husband or walk-away husband?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You will find tons of support here from people in very similar sitchs as you.
From what I gather, walkaway means that the spouse is disenchanted with the marriage and seems disinterested in fixing it. Wayward is more clear cut and involves an affair and the "wayward fog" involved.
Hang in there and chin up....you got a long road ahead.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
I am ready to GAL and leave him behind. Is he a wayward husband or walk-away husband?
it does not matter RIGHT THIS MINUTE if he is having an affair or if he is just 'checked-out' of the marriage. there will be time to deal with that side of things later.
right now, you need to put EP front and center and start focusing your attention on her. GAL will help with that. you have already said that YOU feel better when you are out doing your thing...ask yourself this...isn't that what life is about. if your husband does not want to share that with you right now, that is his problem.
Getting out will allow you to figure out what it is YOU want to do for the rest of your life, whether your husband decides to join you or not. You have to learn how you can be happy. You have to learn that you can be an independent woman (even if you are married) and that your husband is your compliment...not your everything. Does that make sense?
I understand that detaching is meant for me and to help me feel better but does it give the impression that I don't give a crap and that divorce isn't going to be a bad thing, since I seem okay? This is where I am struggling about doing the right thing because it feels so awkward. That means I am not going down a cheese less tunnel, right?
That's a common feeling to have. The point of detaching isn't to show the other person you don't care, but the opposite. You don't do it to punish, it comes from a place of love. It shows you care about their feelings, you respect their choice to live the life the way they want. That you can stand back and allow them to find their path in life without being too emotionally invested in the outcome. They may see it a different way, but nothing you can do about it. Pursuing/begging/controlling doesn't work, respecting their choice even if you don't agree with it does.
It will feel awkward but if your H says your M is over, you have to respect his feelings right now. The way you do that is by improving your life and becoming the best person possible. Fixing the faults you're responsible for in the M(within reason). Accepting your M may be over and you will move on with your life and be ok with or without him. You fix you and let him fix him.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
