HD I see a lot of positives in your life that you are writing about. To piggy back on Wonka's comment about it taking time; I have found that progress comes in chunks and does not flow smoothly. I found out that any big hurt or sting I felt about the R or towards the XW was soon worked through and I found myself even further down the road towards healing. I honestly believe it is a life long process, but with great pain can come great progress.
Keep it up HD; one day you will look back and find out that you haven't even thought about the whole situation for quite some time. Those baby steps can move worlds.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
It is just so "bleh". When love turns to hate is a hard thing to experience.
My heart tells me one thing and yet when I look at the facts, it is a gut bomb. I have read that is not uncommon for the emotional reality not to match the physical reality. That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I was used, set up, manipulated, lied to, led astry, and still feel like she tries to run over me. I do my best to not react or allow myself to be baited, but sometimes, I fail and I do react from emotion. I am still learning.
I am still hurt and upset - yes. Will I always be? I don't know. It's just very very sad when someone does this. Will I forgive her? Yes, she is human and all humans make mistakes, including me. Will I move on? Yes, that is my right. Do I know how long this will take? No, and there is no right or wrong way to experience the healing process, I will know when I get there.
All I know now is one day at a time. I don't have a crystal ball, can't predict the future but I do know that I have integrity and values and worth independent of her and my situation.
It feels like I have boxed it up and no it's not the focus of my being, just a part that I have put away high up on a shelf. Maybe one day I will take the box off the shelf and open it up. But for now, it will sit there, with the lid on tight.
No it does not flow smoothly and I expect that now. I agree that this will be a life long process.
I welcome the day when I can look back and think "whewh, that was hard but it's over". I really really do.
The second part of this ^^^^^ is "Wow, not only was that hard but look at how much I have grown because of it"
I seen little improvements here and there in myself, but the further I get from all that crisis stuff the more I realize all those lessons I learned, all those tools are right here and I frequently pull them out in my day to day life. I am not nearly as reactive as I once was ... its been quite liberating I can tell you ... to actually be in control of MY life for a change.
Yes, agreed, look how much I have grown and learned will be the goal.
I have grown, I have learned a lot of lessons, I have realized how misguided I was at relationships I have learned that I had a very low opinion of myself.
Little by little I am getting me back. I am a good person, I am a good mother, I am capable, I can make it on my own, I do have people that love me, I do feel connected to God, I do feel good about MY CHOICES, I do have a great sense of humor.
I don't feel responsible for hers anymore, I don't want to walk on her path, I don't accept mistreatment, I don't accept others putting me down, I don't accept unethical behaviors, I won't live in an open marriage, I won't be sorry for the choices I make to protect myself and my kids. I don't have to apologize or defend my choices or core beliefs. That all feels really GOOD.
I really do feel stronger and more confident and I look better now too, it's an inner kind of looking better that I am sure comes from feeling better.
My W on the other hand does not look good, she looks tired, she looks sick, her hair looks over processed, she is very overweight. Her clothes are too young for her age. She looks aged and worn and not in only the physical sense but again it seems to come from inside. She just looks unwell.
It's basically replacing bad thoughts with positive thoughts, I was very very dark before and now the light is seeping in. The light is good - let there be light!
Saw the Amy Winhouse documentary, I love Amy's music.
Such a talent, such a lost soul, a child of divorce, she never felt secure in her own skin.
I'm glad I went to see it and it made me think of what we all posses inside of ourselves but find it hard to do .... we all have to love ourselves and not be afraid to just live life, and fully embrace and experience each moment, the joy and the pain.
Once again I am reminded that love is so precious.
Kids are back East with W for a week. This will mark 2 weeks without them.
I continue to GAL, dinner with friends, movies, gardening, distractions to keep mind focused on other things and to strengthen me.
Good news is that I found my D hamster who escaped her cage. She had been missing a week! I put flour on the floor next to a food dish and tracked her to the closet. Hah!
It still feels that W will pop up around the corner or if the phone calls it's her. It's not. I felt the same way when my father passed away, I thought he would turn the corner any minute.
When do these feelings ever end? Perhaps never, I guess I just have to get used to them, push them aside, box them up, and carry on.
I want so badly to "help" my W. I would do anything, counseling, doctors, therapy, anything. In my mind she is in crisis and I believe can see it and feel it in her. She doesn't want anything from me on that level. I have to respect her wishes. Maybe I am the one who needs "help".
She states that I feel it's "All or nothing" meaning marriage or nothing with her. She stated that I see no value in her as person, only as a Wife. I don't know how to respond to that so I haven't.
I struggle with maybe I should be friends with her just to make it easier, at least I would be able to see her and be able to talk with her. But then I remember that she has thrown me away as her W and that the crumbs she would throw me would eventually hurt me and damage my self respect.
The hardest part for me is trying to be "civil and polite and light and breezy" with communication with her - even with our kids. Does anyone else feel that way?
I know I have to, and do, but after all of this, it is very hard to just pick up and be friendly. In my mind she tried to kill me (emotionally) and now I just supposed to forget about all o that and just carry on.
She wants to make a big deal about being "fair" about time spent with kids, about money - we have to be FAIR. I think to myself - when is any of this FAIR to me or the kids? I did not have a voice in any of this nor did our kids. Why now is she concerned about fair?
To me it's like a kid crying about being an orphan after they have murdered their parents.
Yeah that part is hard .. its like being nice to someone who just stabbed you in plain daylight.
I did this .. I called it my 'Sylvester', as much as I hate games, sometimes this whole thing is/was one for me. So even if I did not feel like being PMA and all happy boy ... I noticed with my sitch when she was like that it really irked me, 'how dare you be happy when you destroyed me, our M and our family' ... so I realized .. Hmmm .. Science project time and I started doing the same thing.
During talks, drop off and pick ups, even hot button issues like finances (she knows those would irk me) I pretended I was 'Sylvester' walking around with Tweety firmly hidden in my mouth along with a Chit-Eatin grin as if I was the only one in the room who got the joke (And I actually was lol). A month or two of this drove her nuts .... and to be honest I loved it .... 2x4's be damned if you can not have a touch of fun with all this whats the use??
I really wish I would have written down more of her crazy .. like you the "Fair" topic. yeah ... let her twisted logic be there is no making sense of things.
I recall my W believed that 50-50 custody also meant me paying 50% of her bills ... ya know .. the ones she needed when she got her condo near the beach, sorry there surfer gurl, you buy your own surf wax.
