An old friend from college tracked me down the other night and has been emailing me. 5 emails in 24 hours. His first email was friendly, "hi how are you" a general update and reaching out type email. Things quickly progressed to "I really miss you" and "we will always have this connection". We were good friends. It is nice to hear from an old friend, but that is all it is to me.
I would normally tell H but we are only speaking about 2 sentences a day to each other so I don't want to waste it on this. I thought it would be flattering to have someone reach out to me like this, but honestly, it isn't, it just feels like a secret and like someone I am going to have to let down. Plus what do I tell H, I don't want to make it seem like "you had an EA so now I have one too" or like I am telling him "someone else wants me".
I am just going to make it go away. It was nice catching up, but we are caught up now.
Ironically, since BD I have had this little fantasy (honestly never more than a passing thought) of someone taking an interest in me, but now that it has happened it doesn't feel good at all! It just feels uncomfortable. Doesn't make me any more sympathetic to the whole EA thing, actually makes me less sympathetic, because it is pretty clear to me when someone crosses a boundary and sends up an immediate red flag to me, not a "wow, this is flattering, give me more " more of a "wow, this is inappropriate, what is wrong with this person?"
I think I would preface your comments with something like:
"I want to bring up something that is very important to me, and I want to be heard. What I am going to say is not an attack, so I don't want a defense or excuses. I just want to say what I feel needs to happen to move forward in this M, and I'm not prepared to move forward unless it does. It is non-negotiable for me. Again, I don't really care about defenses & excuses. That isn't important for me & I really don't care, so please just listen."
Now hit him with the knowing that there is still contact. Real healing cannot continue while this contact goes on. I am not prepared to attempt it until that is a reality.
Now, if it is not non-negotiable condition for going forward, don't make that an ultimatum that you won't enforce (but it sounds like you are at that point), but you've read the healing from infidelity chapter (hopefully recently again), so you know what it takes.
Just my 2 cents.
Good luck. Maybe have something after the MC to do to soothe and care of your self & the tension. Something wo/ the H. Friends, book a massage, etc.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you as it is. So, if tonight goes badly and he chooses to maintain a R with the OW, its fair to "out" her to her husband and employer, and then I should immediately jump into bed with my old college friend (would have to be really drunk for that one) , is that what I hear you saying between the lines? Because that is what I am hearing.
LOL. I just want to point out here that 3 months ago I wouldn't have been able to joke about any of this!
I am not going to make this an ultimatum because I hate to admit but I already made that ultimatum in May and he is still talking to her. But ....and I know I sound really gullible here......I really don't think H "gets" it, I think this is more of a reflection this time around of his incredible stupidity with regards to relationships and an incredible lack of sensitivity to the issue. But, yes, there was a direct lie in there too, so maybe I am kidding myself. I want him to hear me out and accept that his actions or lack of actions have consequences and affect other people's lives. Right now the consequence is hurting me, and losing my respect and desire to work on the R. How do I say that though without sounding confrontative? I need to work on that one.
Usually after MC I grab a bottle of wine and either find a friend or I sit behind the tennis courts in my neighborhood and drink until I feel better.
I am just reading the recent posts will read more when I have more time. I am looking forward to it.
My suggestion would be to not discuss some of your DB strategies with him in counseling session, however I do think that it is ok to be honest and say something to the affect of .. “had I known you wanted me to be in the other room with you I would have been happy to be there for a bit but I cannot read your mind to know what you might like or want me to do”. And from reading your post to you your thinking “ if I go in that room and sit by him that pursuing” … right… I play these games too! 
{Real coffee or the coffee from Lonelee’s post, I'd be ok with either one! …. Couldn't resist reposting this.. haha}
{And now that I am writing this down, I am realizing that it is probably good that H thinks I should sit by him while he is working. True, that is not quality time, and true, he isn't communicating with me, but if he wants me near him that is a good thing, right?} Yes I think it is positive and we have to recognize the smallest of steps first. Especially if this a change from his past behavior.
Now let me ask would it have been a 180 for you to just go in that room and be next to him while he was working? Or feel more like pursuing to you?
Good luck to you.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Thanks Loneleee, sitting by him while he is working would feel like pursuing to me because for almost 20 years I have been telling him "I am sick of looking at the back of your head." Seriously, all he does is work, barely looks up from the computer, and now its the computer, the iPhone, iPad, whatever device. I cannot get this guy's attention. I would be fine sitting with him quietly if he sometimes took a break, or initiated a conversation or an activity. He will stay up until midnight working, works all weekend, just works all of the time.
If he does take a break he works on a house project, something like installing a floor or something big, not something I can easily get in on. If I do initiate "lets go to dinner" or "lets have coffee" he will usually agree and participate happily, but he will not initiate.
Which is what confuses me and hurts me the most about the OW, how the heck did that happen, did she do all of the pursuing and he just went along? I would prefer to believe that, because it hurts to much to think of the reverse.
I think I need to stop thinking of sitting with him in terms of pursuing, because he is asking me for that. I will think of it as giving him what he asked for. In small doses. And you are right, I am not a mind reader. But I am glad he wants my company, just doesn't want to actually speak to me or drink coffee with me. This is so hard.
Well that was torture. H hates me. He can put a really horrible spin on anything and everything I do or say. Every single thing. Apparently every single interaction we have is demeaning and diminishing and nasty to him. Things I remember as positive or neutral, he remembers as big blow ups and nasty remarks????? There is no benefit of the doubt, no kindness, no love at all in his words, he just purely hates me.
I say "I am having a hard time maintaining a positive attitude when he is still talking to OW and barely speaking with me" and that is responded to with "W said this and that and this and that in a nasty tone and she used wild hand gestures and did this 10 years ago and said this 4 years ago, and will never change." And I am sitting there with tears dripping down my face thinking "what the heck is he even talking about? this is so not reality?"
I just kept saying, I will try to look at it that way, I am sorry if I wasn't mindful of my tone, That must be hard for you, etc, etc, etc..... and then there is a silence and he launches into some other example of the wrongs I committed against him.
The counselor summed it up by saying H needs to check in and talk to me, and I need to take care of myself emotionally. So what does that mean? I thought I was taking care of myself emotionally. Is it wrong to want to connect with my H? I have so many friends, faith, a good relationship with my children, I keep busy, have hobbies, go to IC, what else can I be doing to take care of my own emotional needs?
Sounds like he isn't taking MC seriously or ready for it yet. I'd strongly consider stopping the sessions. The therapist should have whacked him one in my opinion. In MC, the H needs to be forced to hear the W IMHO (Terence Real's Why Can't I Get Through to You? has an excellent discussion of this M dysfunction & how therapists need to approach the problem). As soon as you started, your H tuned out & started regurgitate spew mode.
I don't want to be too discouraging, but on what you've been saying about sitting w/ him while he works, his lack of communication, his maintaining contact despite his promise, and now this session, that you are not in piecing mode. I think it might be time for some stepping back and re-evaluating your approach when you come up for air after that miserable evening.
I'm sorry it went so poorly. I'll be pretty busy tomorrow, but I'll do my best to check back in and see how you are doing. Hang in there, you're in a much better place than you were, and you'll handle this!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
So sorry to read this. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.
Asitis hit on something though. It doesn't sound like your H is ready to work on things. Maybe by stepping back and recommitting to the DB process would be great for you. Recently W and I had a mini-blow up (I should have handled things differently), but by simply lovingly detaching and validating her emotions we seem to be back on track. I hope that's all it will take for you, but I think H still needs to work through his own nightmare before he can come to the table to work on the M.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Hurthus and asitis, you are both right, I need to back off and recommit to DB. We have a week off MC because I am going away with the kids to see my parents. I am so torn on the canceling MC because I feel like it is the only time we talk, although every single week it is torture. I will think on that.
In the meantime, H's spew seems to have a common theme that I am demeaning and critical in my talk, so I will do a 180 and speak to him as sweetly as possible. The 2 sentences a day we exchange will be nice. Although I thought they were.
Going to IC today, babysitting for my friend's kids while she meets with her D lawyer, then singing lessons. Also trying to organize my closet and continuing the Harry Potter movie marathon with my boys. We are up to the 5th movie. Heading out tomorrow for a long weekend with my kids to see my parents.
