Uncertain and vexing times - must stay on DB point

[CaliGuy]

T

How we doing?

[t33]

Thanks for checking in CaliGuy. As expected, this week has been insane with work. 14-16 hour days. Difficult to stay focused but working on detaching and just getting work done. It's so hard though. It feels like the weeks that went by as we "disconnected" since I'm just not around when everyone is awake.

Just trying to get through the week. I'll post an update when things settle...

[t33]

So, last week was crazy with work. That took most of my attention. Spent bits and pieces of time with W and kids when I could, but it was hard to be gone for so many hours. Grandparents took the kids for the weekend and ended up taking a weekend trip with W. It was really nice and we had a really good time. I realize this isn't necessarily the pull back strategy in it's fullest, but it felt like the right thing to do, and it was a joint choice, I wasn't pursuing as best I could.

We were together for the whole trip as it was just the two of us and we had a lot of fun together. It didn't feel forced and I made sure to give space, not be smothering, and just have a good time for myself. It felt successful. At the end of the trip W was talking very positively and seemed to be turning a corner. I'm still extremely cautious as I believe she is still Wayward. It's hard not to have expectations, but I'm doing what I can to work on detachment.

Came home after work yesterday and got the kids ready for a walk. Told W I was going to take them and she could work out or do whatever she wanted. As we were about to leave, she wanted to join, so she came and we each took a kid to focus on (they were on scooters and skateboards). The walk went well, and we each just focused on the kids. It was good.

I realize she can't miss me without space, but I do want to encourage good behavior and good times when we are together - we always have fun. I'm doing my best to keep PMA and not hover at home.

For GAL, I'm meeting a friend for drinks tomorrow. She knows who it is, so it's not a mysterious GAL, but it is something I'm looking forward to. She may go out with a friend on Thursday which will give me some alone time with the kids.

I know the rollercoaster isn't over and that makes me nervous. I'm continuing to try and detach and make sure I'm moving things forward regardless of what she's doing. This weekend felt like a battle one, but the war is far from over. Still a lot work to be done.

[Vanilla]

We haven't heard from you for a while T

V

[t33]

Hi V,

Thanks for checking in. Yes, things have been incredibly difficult. Even worse is I feel like I'm failing on the DB front and I can't for the life of me figure out how to continue with the WW rules and still keep life moving.

So, the bottom line is, my family moving abroad in January. It's happening one way or another and we've got to start making arrangements. All that being said, my W has said she's going with us. We talk about it sometimes, and other times we don't. Sometimes she is very excited, and other times she's trepidatious of if she may choose not to come. Last week she came back from drinks and basically said she was definitely coming with us, and that we would stay married, but for all intents and purposes we wouldn't be truly married. She then said she wants me to date and have fun - though she was adamant she wasn't dating anyone (apparantly ignoring the A that had happened). When I asked why, she said so I could experience all the things I missed out on since we got together so young. I said I didn't miss out on anything, and while I'm married, I'm not dating. In any case, that conversation ended abruptly as I still try very hard not to have big R talks.

Friday we had a really nice time together and at one point while she was excited about moving she said something to the effects of, "you know, it's going to take a long time before I fall back in love with you". I said something like "I know, that's why we shouldn't put timetables on things and just take things day by day and see where it goes."

I realize all of this is 0% of what she says and it's her confusion and seesaw of emotions.

I'm trying to stay PMA, though I've struggled a few times this past week - I'm just so exhausted. I can't believe it's been jus less than 3 months since this whole disaster began - it feels like a year.

I'm just frustrated by trying to keep up with DB and the WW rules when we have to make plans for the kids, we have to make plans for the move, in theory we have to move forward and try and let things happen. I'm afraid she's going to end up backing out of the move at the last moment if she freaks out over something and then it's going to be a cluster dealing with the kids. I'm afraid there will be an OM2 if I don't DB this correctly. I'm afraid she'll end up just wanting to co-parent and be roommates and not try and bring love back into our relationship.

It's hard and I don't know what to do. What I have been doing is continuing to try and GAL. I've been going out once a week with a different friend. Though she knows who it is (when she asks, I don't feel right ignoring and keeping it mysterious). I took the kids out over the weekend for half a day while she stayed at home and re-arranged their room. 180 wise, I'm continuing to limit my hours and be open to fun and different things. I just feel like I'm not DBing in the most effective way, but I'm not about to bluff and risk her not moving. There's just so much time between now and then...

[Vanilla]

T

I apologise I missed your post and haven't replied.

So a few questions if I may?

What is the reason for moving?

Do you know or have a new base in January?

There is a lot of fear mentioned in your post, have you seen and discussed this with an IC?

The organisation around the children what has that involved?

V

[t33]

T

I apologise I missed your post and haven't replied.

So a few questions if I may?

What is the reason for moving?

Primarily moving for work. But also for the family. We spent a year abroad which was the best year of our lives. Coming back, seems to have a sparked a lot of our disconnect. Beyond working extremely long hours, we were so much happier when we were abroad. Including the kids, they keep asking when we can go back.

I work freelance at the moment. I could have taken another job here. Instead, I'm exploring a more permanent job in the new location, one that will give us the proper visa to stay long term.

So, the long way to answer your question - we're moving for work, for a better family lifestyle, and for a bit of a fresh start.

Do you know or have a new base in January?

We know the area we want to live and have been exploring what's available. Since we won't move until January, most of that exploration is fruitless since they won't be available by the time we get closer to moving. I don't yet have a job, but am talking with various companies and planning out who I want to work with.

There is a lot of fear mentioned in your post, have you seen and discussed this with an IC?

Nope. I have considered going to IC, but the timing based on work has not lent itself to being something I can get to.

The organisation around the children what has that involved?

Not a whole lot to report on that front. They are excited to move. We're excited to get them back in the local schools out there. We've been having fun with them.

[Vanilla]

So, what exactly is different about being abroad?

Do you behave differently, is it lifestyle, choices, climate, people?

Are you expecting your sitch to repair with this move?

Are there steps you need to take before you move?

What happens if you don't?

Essentially I am trying to understand what makes the real difference to you in this and if this is temporary with W, will your M repair itself automatically,. Some insight into why you current location is an issue. So I think I would be grateful for more explanation as I haven't quite got it.

V

[t33]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Partly because things had been going OK, partly because I feel like I'm embarrassed for not doing good DB and for doing the wrong things, and partly because I'm just exhausted with everything.

W was home all of the previous week. She had a slip and fall a week ago Sunday. We had been out, I came home to take the kids while she stayed with two of our friends. She fell, and our friends brought her home. I took care of her that evening and she broke down crying, saying how she still loved me, was so looking forward to moving, how she just wants to get out of here. She goes on to say how she wishes she could just wake up and not have any feelings for OM and just love me like she wants to. She says she hadn't spoken to him for over a week and how happy she was about that. It felt really nice to hear these things - and yes, I know about believing what they say - but how can I not take this information as something!

I got off early on Monday and took her to the doctor, they told her to stay home from work for the week and rest. Over the course of last week, things were very nice. I got off work at reasonable times and we'd hang out watching TV and she reached out to hold my hand or caress me. She was much more affectionate in that way and we were able to connect quite well.

Near the end of the week she of course starts texting with OM and starts to distance herself from me again. I oversee his name on her list of texts on Saturday and get a little cranky. She asks what's wrong and I finally say that I saw his name. She says that he heard she was hurt (which I don't believe - I'm sure she initiated) and was checking in on her. She says it's over between the two of them and has been for weeks. She's completely over it. She just enjoys his friendship. I don't make a huge deal of it as I want a nice weekend and don't want to blow things up, but I do say she needs to stop going back to talking with him - boundary fail/telling what to do fail.

Well, I'm sure we all know where this is going. This weekend was nice and then she goes back to work on Monday. I have to work late Monday-Wednesday. Monday isn't too late at least but she's a bit more distanced. I assumed this would happen going back to the toxic work environment and having OM around. Tuesday and Wednesday I work well after midnight and don't get to see W, and she becomes even more distant.

Last night she came and picked me up from work to go to dinner since I could get out at a decent time. She arrives wearing what I call her "OM necklace" - something she hadn't worn in over 3 weeks. We have an OK dinner, but I'm exhausted and a bit frustrated with her distancing (I've also been struggling with moments of real anger over this whole situation over the past few weeks, but try not to let her see any of that keeping PMA). Anyway, after dinner we try to find something to do, but she still can't walk around much, so we drive to another restaurant in downtown we love for a drink. Because I'm in a bit of funk and exhausted she feels there's something wrong and then I allow us to get sucked into an R talk that never should have happened (stupid!). Basically she says she has been distant lately, and she's felt distant the last few days, and the last week, and the week before that, and the month before that...etc. There's more she talks about that is hard to hear, but I try to just let her have her piece and validate (though after reading more validation threads I think I screwed that up to). Again, I know about listening to what they say - because this is complete BS. We've had some great moments and connections even with her waywardness. It's rewriting short term history and reinforcing the long term history.

In any case, this morning she was in a better mood and mentioned somebody who might take one of our cats when we move, so it doesn't feel like she's abandoning the move - though I'm sure the reality of that is also causing her emotional pinballing.

That's the update, now to V's questions:

So, what exactly is different about being abroad?

Do you behave differently, is it lifestyle, choices, climate, people?

I don't have a good answer. Maybe we have more wholesome friends? Maybe it's just being in an "exotic" location - which if that's the case the novelty will wear off quickly which could lead to the same problems. When we were there last time she was so focused on family, the kids, me when I came home. We explored, we went on vacations, we did fun things. Do I behave differently? Perhaps - I don't know. I was so stuck in work, it sure didn't feel like I did. Though I don't plan on working the crazy hours I had to last time. I won't be paid as much either, which will limit our fun money - and maybe we just enjoyed being able to have fun.

Are you expecting your sitch to repair with this move?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I don't think this cures it. But it sure is a major change and a major way to shake things up and stop doing the same things over and over again which always puts us back to square one.

Are there steps you need to take before you move?

What steps do you mean? I need to find a job that gives the proper visa. We'll need to find a place to live, though we've been keeping an eye on the available places already. Then there is tons of stuff to close out and clean up here. If you're talking about the sitch, I feel like we need to continue to make progress, but I don't feel like I can completely back off and follow the rules as we need to work together to make it all happen.

What happens if you don't?

Move? I don't have a Plan B for not moving.

Essentially I am trying to understand what makes the real difference to you in this and if this is temporary with W, will your M repair itself automatically,. Some insight into why you current location is an issue. So I think I would be grateful for more explanation as I haven't quite got it.

The real difference is how happy we were over there vs. over here. I need a better work/life balance which I think I can get over there. I think the kids would benefit tremendously as the schools over there teach in ways that are way more conducive to the way my eldest learns - that would be better.

This location, W won't leave her toxic job and the toxic people there. This gives us a chance to get away. A fresh start? Maybe, maybe not. But it's something different. Doesn't mean it won't all fall apart over there. But over here, doesn't feel like anything can change.

--
Well, this was a long post, but it'd been a while. Frustrating things for me are that I'm clearly not detaching well, I'm not following sandi's 37 rules, I have no time for GAL (though I am going out with a buddy after work today). I feel pressed for time in that we have to get this move figured out and make it happen and I don't want things to blow up to the point where she changes her mind and won't go with me. That would make things unbearably complex with the kids and what I do for the next job. I don't know how to DB properly and keep things moving forward in a good way with W to prepare for the move.

Beyond that, work is only going to get harder and longer until the project finishes. I still have immense trouble focusing at work and each day still feels like a week I struggle to get through it. It's been a little over 3 months since BD which is crazy how short it's been. We've got 4-5 months to the move. I just don't know how I'm going to make it to then.

[t33]

I guess I also think of the move as a major 180 for me, for her, for the family.