I am a 29 year old wife and mother of two children under the age of 4. I have had no sex drive since I got married 8 years ago. My H and I have had all the same fights and problems for the past 8 years as all of you who are on this site.
I read SSM two weeks ago and I am a different person. I feel desire and am compelled to help all of the high desire people out there understand their low desire spouse. I got a lot of respones to my post "The Light is On" and I thought that a post with the thought that have gone through my head over the years might be helpful. I hope someone gets something from this.
I got married at 21 and a week before our wedding we went to a bar with some married friends. A male friend of ours walked up to a bearskin rug that hung on the wall and began to stroke it's furry back. "This is what sex is like before marriage" he said. Then he placed his hand inside the bear's wide open jaws and acted like the bear was attacking him. "This is what sex is like after marriage!" I thought, "The man is insane. I'll never be some old crotchedy, frigid wife." And here I am. How ironic?
I am your wife. I loved sex. Anywhere, anytime. I got married, I don't want sex anymore. I don't know why. I just want to be left alone. My husband has a problem because all he wants is sex. I think he has to learn that just because I am his wife, I don't have to have sex all the time. We have sex less than 12 times in our first year of marriage. All we do is fight about it. 5 years pass and we still don't have sex. I don't want to hug, kiss, touch. I completely put up a wall. I don't know why, I just do it.
I see some talk show that talks about low desire spouses and how they need testosterone. "Maybe I do have a problem" I think "It's not normal to not want sex, Oprah says so" I tell H that problem is solved I will work on myself. I do nothing differently. A day passes and we fall right back into the same cycle. I hate our life.
Years go by. Sex every couple months. Sympathy sex H calls it. I force myself to make him happy. I go to therapy. Therapist helps with my self esteem issues and setting career goals. As for sex drive, blames it on verbally abusive childhood. "okay now I know why". I leave therapy, ooops didn't find out how to fix low drive. "Oh well, at least I love myself again" I think...
January 2003 to present, sex 5 times. H getting mad at me. He trys to "seduce" me. He cleans house I think "he wants sex" he takes kids out, "he wants sex" he pick up the dog poop in the yard "he just wants sex". My brain creates a panic. I don't know why I panic, I enjoy sex, I just don't want it. Everyday I have a new excuse, I hate myself everyday for doing this. Everynight I go to bed with more guilt than you can possibly imagine.
Two weeks ago caught H looking at porn and going to chat rooms. H confesses he called a woman from one of these rooms. Tells me he can't take this anymore. He thinks I don't love him, I don't find him attractive and that I can change. My heart is broken.
H said he wanted a divorce and thought I would think the same. I didn't. We agree, if there are no changes soon, we will separate. The pressure of our family is all on my wanting to have sex. What else is new right? For my children I have to do this. I don't care what I must do, I will do it. But, I think what makes me think this time I will change? We have had this disscussion 100000000000000000000000000 times and will just keep going on like this. H says no. He will not argue about the problem again, he will file for divorce. I am mad at myself for staying with someone who would give me this ultimatum. At the same time I scrabble to find a way to ixnay the divorcnay.
I find divorce buster's. I read the book SSM. I read every page, did my goals and H did the same. I initiated sex with H that first night. I felt so bad that all these years he really did think I didn't love him. He had told me that during every argument but, I was always very defensive. You don't defend yourself against a book. The book doesn't give you dirty looks, bring up the past etc... The book tells you what you need to hear and you hear it.
Two weeks has passed. H and I smile everyday and say it's like we are dating or something. We have a new life together. Two weeks have passed and our eyes are open. So help me God I will not look back. I will flap my wings as hard as I can to stay afloat.
In my situation, there is nothing my h could have done or said to change my low desire. He said it all and did it all and all my stupid brain would think is "he's just horny, he'd be happy with a hole in the wall, he just want's sex."
I think that maybe if my husband had written a letter to me it might have sparked something. If he had said all the things that all the high desire's state in the book. If he poured out his feelings and left it for me one morning. I would have read it and not felt threatened. I would have had all day to think about the words. That may have lit a fire under my butt.
I still would have had to read SSM to get where I am today. I needed someone to tell me that it's okay to be low desire and that I don't have to be that way. I needed someone to tell me that my husband wants to have sex WITH ME not just have sex. I needed someone to tell me how everytime I shreak away from his touches, I crush his heart. I needed someone to say, "Hey, sometimes people need to be aroused to feel desire." I needed someone to say that this problem can be resolved without testosterone pills, cream etc.. no matter how many years it's been. I needed someone to throw out a dam life preserver to the drowning woman in a sea of complete confusion.
This book saved us. I hope something, anything does the same for all of you. Just know that it's possible. My H and I were you. We were hopeless, angry and hostile. Now I can't keep my hands off him.
I will stop typing now, as he has just come home from work. I have to go give him a kiss.
Lis3
(FYI -My husband is on the boards too, he posts as jongo13)
I've been told that sometimes a low desire on the part of the wife is linked to how she is treated outside the bedroom. I dont know if it pertains to your case...but I can assure you.... once I paid attention to this, I had no other problems with my (now) EXW ....nor my current GF in that dept.
To me...it's simply a symptom of another unrelated issue in the R. But what do I know ?
Your post really moved me, in fact it moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this matter. I have no doubt my wife is similar to you in this regard. As you say, the key is trying to find the appropriate life preserver(s). I am not sure what the life preservers are, but I am going to try writing a note to her, telling her how much I love and adore her and how much I want to be with her and grow old together with her, but also that I need to have a full relationship. I will try and explain the devistation I feel from her rejection of my need for a more physical relationship. I have tried this verbally but I never get too far, perhaps it will be more profound if it is in writing. I understand what you are saying about just not wanting to have sex, you just didn't, but you say you enjoyed having sex and you know your husband desperately wanted to have sex but you just didn't want to engage. As a male, this point is very very difficult to understand, but I believe whole heartedly this is true. I think my wife is in this situation.
Without trying to be too prying, do you find yourself nowbecoming more engaged with your husband out of your own desire or the desire to be close to your huband (please don't answer if too personal)?
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
