Long Story: We separated on New Year's Day 2015. Married for 25 years, known each other for 32. I had been suffering from depression for many years, due in large part to a severe case of sleep apnea, just recently diagnosed and now being treated. She wanted to separate, wanted a signed agreement (which is not required in my state) and said she needed space. Due to our financial situation I moved into the basement because I could not afford to live on my own. I did all the wrong things to start, and wish now that I hadn't, but I'm trying to move on. The sad fact is that W has no idea what is coming with the D. She can't really explain how she arrived at the decision, apparently didn't do much research as to how it would play out.
Since most of the money to buy our house came from my separate funds, she will not get much if anything from the sale of our house, which is the only asset we have other than some retirement funds (that we will split even though it is almost all from my contributions.) I had explained that fact to her but she took that as a "threat" saying that I needed to be "fair" to her in dividing the value of the home.
I agreed to a collaborative settlement process to try and save money and we had our first meeting last week. I had been asking for financial help during our separation, because I was paying the household bills even though my income has decreased by almost half since a layoff 3 years ago. She refused my requests to pay some to help, and I told her that she wasn't being reasonable. I told her that an impartial third party would agree that she should be paying the bills in proportion to her income. To move ahead, in our session with the lawyers, I came prepared with a proposal that would have her pay her "fair share." It took an hour, but the lawyers agreed and she did too, finally, that she would pay what I had proposed while we are preparing to sell our house.
I would love to reconcile, but I have very little hope for that. She originally told me that she was willing to see what happened while we were separated, but that quickly turned (due in large part to mistakes on my part) to "no chance." We tried couples therapy but that just convinced her that she was done with our relationship. She told me that she didn't see me as her husband any more and (I know, mistake) after repeatedly trying to get her to understand the financial disaster she was leading herself, me and our kids into, she told me that "the man she had married was dead."
Ouch!
It just amazes me that she would ask for a divorce and not have a clue as to what the impact was going to be. The timing is also terrible as our D will be starting her senior year in HS this fall.
She doesn't show any signs of caring (or understanding) about the impact this will have on her, me and our family. She is highly intelligent, has a MSW, is a therapist running her own practice.
I just don't know what to do, if anything can be done. I've been working on my own life, but I don't have a lot of connections outside of our relationship. I have a B and S but we are not really that close. Still have 6 more months until she could even file so I suppose a lot could happen, but I expect that we will have an agreement drafted within the next two months.
Very frustrated that she is not willing to do any work on such a long term relationship, when she counsels people for a living!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Long Story: We separated on New Year's Day 2015. Married for 25 years, known each other for 32. I had been suffering from depression for many years, due in large part to a severe case of sleep apnea, just recently diagnosed and now being treated. She wanted to separate, wanted a signed agreement (which is not required in my state) and said she needed space. Due to our financial situation I moved into the basement because I could not afford to live on my own. I did all the wrong things to start, and wish now that I hadn't, but I'm trying to move on. The sad fact is that W has no idea what is coming with the D. She can't really explain how she arrived at the decision, apparently didn't do much research as to how it would play out.
Since most of the money to buy our house came from my separate funds, she will not get much if anything from the sale of our house, which is the only asset we have other than some retirement funds (that we will split even though it is almost all from my contributions.) I had explained that fact to her but she took that as a "threat" saying that I needed to be "fair" to her in dividing the value of the home.
I agreed to a collaborative settlement process to try and save money and we had our first meeting last week. I had been asking for financial help during our separation, because I was paying the household bills even though my income has decreased by almost half since a layoff 3 years ago. She refused my requests to pay some to help, and I told her that she wasn't being reasonable. I told her that an impartial third party would agree that she should be paying the bills in proportion to her income. To move ahead, in our session with the lawyers, I came prepared with a proposal that would have her pay her "fair share." It took an hour, but the lawyers agreed and she did too, finally, that she would pay what I had proposed while we are preparing to sell our house.
I would love to reconcile, but I have very little hope for that. She originally told me that she was willing to see what happened while we were separated, but that quickly turned (due in large part to mistakes on my part) to "no chance." We tried couples therapy but that just convinced her that she was done with our relationship. She told me that she didn't see me as her husband any more and (I know, mistake) after repeatedly trying to get her to understand the financial disaster she was leading herself, me and our kids into, she told me that "the man she had married was dead."
Ouch!
It just amazes me that she would ask for a divorce and not have a clue as to what the impact was going to be. The timing is also terrible as our D will be starting her senior year in HS this fall.
She doesn't show any signs of caring (or understanding) about the impact this will have on her, me and our family. She is highly intelligent, has a MSW, is a therapist running her own practice.
I just don't know what to do, if anything can be done. I've been working on my own life, but I don't have a lot of connections outside of our relationship. I have a B and S but we are not really that close. Still have 6 more months until she could even file so I suppose a lot could happen, but I expect that we will have an agreement drafted within the next two months.
Very frustrated that she is not willing to do any work on such a long term relationship, when she counsels people for a living!
Hello Seven,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You mention that you just don't know what to do. There is much that can be done!
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I would imagine if you were on the receiving end of those words (i.e. "you don't understand what you're doing", "you aren't going to get what you think you'll get"), you'd probably take it as a threat and a put-down.
Keep in mind that financial situations aren't a reason for you to want your wife to stick around. If you did convince her to see it your way, she might just be biding her time for opportune conditions to leave if you don't work on the real reasons she feels the need to leave.
I don't have any success in reconciling my marriage so I couldn't tell you what to do, I just know that money doesn't mean squat. If things went well between you too, she'd stand by you through a bankruptcy. Concentrate on healing, GAL and trying to express your love to her in the way she needs.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
