Hi. This is my first time posting anywhere on this website. I am unraveling and divorce busting was recommended to me by my brother.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, 15 of those married with two small boys. I recently discovered that he has been having an affair for approximately 4 months. We are currently separated. He seems to be ready to call it quits, but even after the infidelity I'm not ready to let go. I love him and the life we've created together, and I just don't think he sees it. We've had a few conversations regarding this affair, but none have given me any idea as to WHY this happened. He tells me that he's been unhappy for awhile, but can't/won't tell me why. He also can't tell me why he felt he needed to have an affair. I never thought he was "that" guy. I listen to him talk and I don't recognize him anymore. I've asked that we have another conversation on Saturday bc I would like to say of things that are on my mind. I want to talk about our roles in the marriage. He takes care of finances, while I have taken the role of traditional housewife even though I also have a career. I don't know what else to say without sounding weak. I love my husband, my life, and my children, and I'm not ready to let all of that go.
I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to start this conversation and keeping it going in a positive way. As I said we've had a few talks, but the amount of emotions coursing through me tend to pop out. So I'm either sobbing, raging, or acting like I don't care. Am I an idiot for even wanting to try? Please help. I feel like I've lost my way.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi 757608, I am sorry that you find yourself here. Yes, it is important that you have clear lines of understanding for your H's responsibility for paying the bills. Making sure that you and your 2 young sons have a roof over their head, utilities paid, and food on the table - this is too important right now.
You should also speak to an attorney to find out what your rights are in Alaska. It does not commit you to do anything. Most Family Law attorneys will let you have a free first meeting. And with more information in dealing with this, it will give you more peace of mind.
But do NOT have any discussion at this time about your roles in the marriage, why he is doing this, or anything to do with your relationship. Pull back from your H and detach.
Hi 757, I'm so sorry you are here. I originally posted in infidelity, but moved to MLC recently. I agree with Wet, now probably isn't the time for you to be having R convos with your H. Not while he is still in the 'affair fog.' Affairs are notoriously addictive and the sitch you want to avoid is your H saying he'll end things with OW - but then they don't end - and even worse.
My advice would be to order and read Divorce Remedy asap, and if your H continues his A to follow MWD's advice in the infidelity chapter. I'm sorry to say that most sitches take a good while to work through, but as time goes on the intense pain does pass and you begin to find happiness in life again.
Keep posting and take care....x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your replies. It truly is nice to know there are caring people out there. So I've talked with my brother again. He talked to me about detachment, and I'm starting to see the truth in it. I've only known about this affair for a week so everything about me is very raw right now. I want so badly to make him see what this is doing to me, but my wise brother said that my husband already knows. True! He does. He also said to be happy and positive when I'm around him. Any tips on how to do that when that is absolutely the opposite of what I want to do?
On a side note...is there a way to search for a certain user on this site? My brother recommended a user named Puppy Love and how amazing and helpful they were.
Hi. This is my first time posting anywhere on this website. I am unraveling and divorce busting was recommended to me by my brother.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, 15 of those married with two small boys. I recently discovered that he has been having an affair for approximately 4 months. We are currently separated. He seems to be ready to call it quits, but even after the infidelity I'm not ready to let go. I love him and the life we've created together, and I just don't think he sees it. We've had a few conversations regarding this affair, but none have given me any idea as to WHY this happened. He tells me that he's been unhappy for awhile, but can't/won't tell me why. He also can't tell me why he felt he needed to have an affair. I never thought he was "that" guy. I listen to him talk and I don't recognize him anymore. I've asked that we have another conversation on Saturday bc I would like to say of things that are on my mind. I want to talk about our roles in the marriage. He takes care of finances, while I have taken the role of traditional housewife even though I also have a career. I don't know what else to say without sounding weak. I love my husband, my life, and my children, and I'm not ready to let all of that go.
I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to start this conversation and keeping it going in a positive way. As I said we've had a few talks, but the amount of emotions coursing through me tend to pop out. So I'm either sobbing, raging, or acting like I don't care. Am I an idiot for even wanting to try? Please help. I feel like I've lost my way.
Does your husband know that repeated conjugations with a new sex partner releases bonding hormones? Oxytocin.
So it will feel like you are "in love", even if you formerly loved your family including your wife? That this feeling will overpower any rational decision making process?
That millions and millions of people before him have succumbed to affairs, and most men will truly admit that the carnage was not worth the sex.
That if he ever loved his wife and family he needs to completely cut off contact and come home. You will work with a counselor together to get past this?
He is suffereing from the grass is greener flaw. Everything is looking better than what he has at home, and it IS A MISTAKE.
First let me say how sorry I am for the situation you are in.
You are getting good advice from Toots and Wet, especially regarding detaching. You mentioned wanting to get things moving in a positive way and there is much that you can do.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have been where you are and just know that it gets easier. The first few weeks for me were a nightmare and I could hardly function. It is such a traumatic shock to find out about an affair.
Lots of good advice on these boards!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
