I wonder whether this thread/post is nothing more than self-indulgence. I have always found it both celebratory and cathartic to write what I feel. My brain “works” better at writing pace. The past few months have been mostly venting, misplaced yearning for validation and absolutely cathartic. There have also been moments of celebration, and these are becoming more common.
A more “generous” viewpoint is that it may help someone to read this. I am certainly not the one with the answers but I have found that in general, and certainly at this time in our lives where you might find yourself on a DB forum that reading more or less the same message over and over helps. It either eventually sinks in, OR it may be phrased in a particular way that brings it all home for you. So – here goes it.
The last little while has been good, possibly even great. I had a hissy fit early in the week after returning to my “reality”. I had spent a week in what seemed like isolation from this world. When I returned I effectively backslid to square one. But thanks to my friends and 2*4’s that I most definitely needed, I am back on track.
It’s hard to gauge my overall progress when I am one week on, one week off with the girls. Life is great when I am with them. Towards the close of that week I get sad, angry, etc that I only get to be with them ½ of their lives. We do have a midweek visit in our schedule with the other parent, but it is nothing like the 24/7 access that I had. However, when I think of the reality of the past few years, I have been miserable in almost every moment NOT around the girls. Especially around my W.
So maybe this is better. The time I am with them I feel I have more than double the contact I did in the past. Well d4 has always been my girl and I have lost time to play with her, being a single Dad and always having to watch d2 doesn’t climb the TV or something. Certainly with d2 though. She was breast feeding until 1 month before BD, so very attached to W. We have such a good time together. I am so glad that she doesn’t miss her Mum and has such a great time with me.
Most of the time I am detached. Some times I feel so detached that I feel guilty. Some times I am glad that this has happened as I now have the chance at a future, and a mature, happy R. It is exciting to think who she might be, or what she might be like. However I still lament that it couldn’t be with W. It still could be, but nothing suggests that this might ever be the case.
Not simply because of how she has behaved, but I am starting to have stricter “rules” about re-engaging with her. Even as friends. After telling my IC about her latest hurtful remarks, she commented that she thinks my W may have Aspergers. A “lot” of things I have repeated to IC and a “lot” of W’s behaviour suggests W has no sense of what is appropriate behaviour.
Usually I would dismiss this for obvious reasons, and I pretty much did at the time, but later I was thinking about it – and it honestly has been an issue for 12 years we have been together. She has always had a problem with “tact”. She has made very inappropriate comments to people, but generally “we” have all lived with it because we knew she meant well and has a heart of gold. It worked in reverse as well. She interpreted things really strangely. My family were walking on egg shells they have admitted to me recently.
Still, if this is the case, it doesn’t change anything for me or us right now. The only thing it does do is increase my compassion for her. This is interesting in itself. Given the possibility that maybe she is the way she is because of some condition, it is easier for me to be compassionate. Irrespective of Aspergers or not, she is subject to a condition, being herself. The condition of being human. The unbearable lightness of being.
Today I noticed myself thinking of a work problem while away from my desk. Three months ago I had to force myself to concentrate on work. Now, I have moments where I have to deliberately think about my M/D/W. It was a beautiful winters day down on the beach, which never hurts.
The most beautiful thing deserves yet another thank-you to the people on these boards. The amazing support and advice really has saved my life. A special thank-you to both those who took an interest in me, and put up with me, 2*4’ed the [censored] out of me when I was already bleeding and on the ground but understood that this was exactly what I needed. I am sorry if I have said any hurtful things to anyone over the last few months.
I genuinely feel that I am on the upside. I am over the worst of it. I am healing. I am on the path to a great future. I lament that my W is not by my side, but maybe one day she will be and I can encourage her on this path. The people here have directed me on a quest that is far in excess of what MWD aptly sums up in DR. It has been better than any book, more effective than any counselling. It is dynamic counselling daily from the premise of DB/DR, and I think vets here and other enlightened individuals are apprentices that have surpassed their masters. (disclaimer: I don’t have a DB coach so am under-qualified perhaps)
Anyway, the most beautiful thing is that my heart has not hardened. I feel no hatred. I do backslide and get angry, but I am OK with that now and get over it quickly. I am sad but it is a good sad if that makes sense. I am not all the way to where I know I can be, but I am looking forward to that journey.
One last thing – meditation. I was taught to meditate when I was a child. I have spent more years not meditating than I have practiced this, but in this crisis – it has been of unbelievable benefit. It will help you in every way. And there is nothing hard about it. It is simply silence.
Whoa - a record I think for my most loquacious post yet, and I deleted half of it! Anyway, if you have nothing better to do - journaling for me.
Wow, great post. Very inspirational, heartfelt, and conscientious. Congrats on your journey thus far, as if congratulations was somehow appropriate.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thanks Defacto, I know what you mean. Congratulations for doing what you never wanted to do. It all seems so wrong, but I am (almost) sure that I wouldn't be where I am today If I hadn't have bottomed out. So if W did agree to MC back in January, we would have just applied a few bandaids, treated the symptoms of a wounded M, but screwed up Py would still be there.
OMG - I am sounding just like someone else did a few months back, that is a few months ahead of me in their sitch! I am even feeling like playing pool
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite. Can you believe you've been on these boards less than three months? Somehow I feel like you've been around the block longer. Or maybe like Indiana Jones says, "it's not the years, it's the mileage..."
Anyway, I am really glad you're doing better. I get a good sense of where you're at. There is a lot more pain in the future, but man, it gets easier, and I'm glad you're escaping the wreckage.
PS- you play pool? How did I miss that? Did I mention that I, also, like to try my hand at the sport of pocket billiards? Just remember Willie Mosconi's advice when asked how to take your game to the next level: "Don't miss"
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I was hoping you would be around. I had a few hours yesterday where I really felt better, happier, stronger than I think I ever have. I couldn't even describe it to my mum last night but I think you know what I mean.
I am dreading the L/custody situation blowing out soon. I dont want to go back there (emotional hell) and I can't stand the thought of a bad outcome. We have to get the house sorted as well. I am longing to be out of this mess and get on with rebuilding my life.
Don't get me wrong. I know you can appreciate this fully, but for the benefit of others perhaps, it is not that I want to be rid of my W or M per se. It is just that this whole situation, logistically, is very draining. Nothing is going to blossom in this turmoil, and that includes, absolutely in the first instance, any chance of R.
As in your excellent post on my old thread - she needs to slam and lock the door before she even stops running, settles down and maybe reviews the situation.
Any R will be with Py2.0 anyway, so lets get on to that please!!!
I think it is mileage; every sitch is different; every LBS is different; tools at their disposal are different - without your wisdom and posted experience, all the support from these boards, my mum, meditation, ICs - I would still be a blubbering mess I suspect.
PS - haven't played pool since I used to hang out in pubs after Uni. Have this strange urge though
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
thanks if you get here. Or anyone ho wishes to comment really.
I am still "dedicated" to saving my M, but following all the discussions I have had with Cadet, Zeus, et al I am resolved to just "waiting" for W's A to run its course. WRT to that, she is in love with OM, she has introduced him to her family and is likely to move in with him in the next few months.
OM is 24, single, here on a temporary work visa from Ukraine. There is no doubt in my mind that he is more than happy to have a R with a citizen in his pocket when applying for permanent residency. In short he is unlikely to upset the boat, or reject slowing the R down by not living together etc.
Usual story, W says that future with me will NEVER happen, irrespective of future with OM. Your last post on Smothy's thread made me realise that I have mentioned OM in nearly every conversation I have had with her and I should stop this.
Particularly what I want your opinion on is this:
I have recently engaged L to notify W of my intent to NOT relocate our family just for her convenience. It is NOT in best interests of kids (currently 50/50) and certainly not mine (although this is not raised). This is turning adversarial. I have "lovingly" reassured her that I forgive her and let her go to do as she pleases, BUT when it comes to the kids welfare I WILL NOT lay down.
I don't want this to be adversarial, I don't want to have and/or show no self-respect, but I don't want to make things worse between us. How can I proceed? It is getting to the point of putting my foot down and going to court. It is likely this will end up in my favour, but WRT to W's image of me? How "nice" should I be?
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I am not clear on what you are asking here about the L.
-Has anyone said anything about a D? -Has anyone filed or made a move about D?
Why do you need a L to tell your wife you plan to stay where you currently are when you can do it yourself? You don't need to pull out a sledgehammer when a feather will do the job.
Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Usual story, W says that future with me will NEVER happen, irrespective of future with OM. Your last post on Smothy's thread made me realise that I have mentioned OM in nearly every conversation I have had with her and I should stop this.
Of course, they all say the very same exact script when there's OW/OM in the picture. They are resolute because they're high on the pixie dust that promises them rainbows and honeydew rain. rolling eyes
It is especially important for LBHs not to act like a gay boyfriend to the WAW who is in active affair with the OM. Have you read any of the LBH threads composed by Sandi? It is all in there.
Have you come out with a no-OM boundary speech at all? She needs to know your stance on this matter.
