Need to stop pushing

[NDY]

Old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2579280#Post2579280

So where are we today? Ok so WW had lightened up a bit but then she brings S9 back here and it's major spewfest this time. My crime? I took down some pictures and removed an ugly stencil she put on the wall. When she took down my pictures did I spew? No. So there we are. She is fuming. Not sure how I feel about this but it's like two steps forward three steps back.

[Wonka]

Py,

I was out to lunch yesterday with my stepmother and learned some new things about my uncle (her baby brother). Several years ago, he went through a D with his XW whom he had been married to for 25 years.

I learned that when things got rough, my uncle wasn't going to MOVE out. Instead, he took the whole lower level of his house (it had a kitchenette, full bathroom, bedrooms) and lived there during the D proceedings. My uncle's view was that it was HIS house and he wasn't going to leave like a whipped boy. Very alpha male.

When uncle knew the day the D would come through, he then proceed to move out EVERY single item of his house with the movers on the day that his XW was at work. There was ABSOLUTELY nothing left of him in the house.

Wow.

I gather that his XW had some sort of EA with some guy. Not sure if it went to PA or not.

My uncle is now happily remarried and moved on with his life. Incidentally, he visited one of his two daughters who lives with his XW at their house and even met the XW's current boyfriend (not the OM). Chatted with him.

Truly moved on from the D drama.

[Wonka]

NDY,

What prompted you to remove the pictures? Just curious about your thought process here.

[asitis]

Don't take it personally. Unreasonable responses to things you did that they have also done (like taking down pictures or removing rings etc.) are just to be expected. It doesn't mean a lack of progress. In fact, it may be that reality is dawning on her and she doesn't like it. Getting to act the way she wants without any reprecussions means she doesn't have to face the pain of what she is doing to your M. You better believe that she will digest that change in you. Whether or not she deals with it childishly or thoughtfully, she has to deal with it.

Just don't get drawn into the argument (sounds like you didn't) or justifying your actions. Listen with sincerity (look her in the eyes, let her know that you are hearing her, affirm, etc.), but set boundaries if she is crossing a line in her words toward you.

Don't see it as a set back. It may have been a first noticing of a change in you, and you don't know what is going on in her mind during and after the encounter, you only know what she said. I suspect she is hurt. I suspect the vitriol is a sign of at least a touch of fear. Don't read too much into it one way or the other, and wait and see what happens in the next couple weeks. You are moving forward with or without her and didn't get drawn into an argument, and that is great. That is a real positive, her reaction is ambiguous at this point, so the encounter seems to be shading to at least neutral to slightly positive.

[NDY]

NDY,

What prompted you to remove the pictures? Just curious about your thought process here.

Hi wonka. If you seen them you would understand. There was about a dozen pictures all full of 'inspirational' messages. It was like a MLC all overall my walls an I hated them, one or two yes. But the place was covered in them. I needed to not see that every time I went to either the hall or the kitchen.

[NDY]

Thanks atisis. I didn't get drawn into the fight. I walked away. s9 got upset so I took him into the kitchen and reassured him he's ok. WW then calmed down and spoke to S9. She did not speak to me.

Interesting though that she said she wouldn't live with me ever again. This was when she left the house. So why so upset at the pictures?

[sandi2]

She doesn't live with you, right? Did she remove her things from the home? Doesn't matter, b/c she left the home. Doesn't that mean she gave up certain "rights", like in how you decorate the house?

Just wondering, how do you respond exactly, when she has these spew fits?

[NDY]

She doesn't live with you, right? Did she remove her things from the home? Doesn't matter, b/c she left the home. Doesn't that mean she gave up certain "rights", like in how you decorate the house?

Just wondering, how do you respond exactly, when she has these spew fits?

Hi sandi. Thanks for coming by. She removed some stuff but not all. She still has stuff here and she is free to come and go. I can't legally stop her.

As for the spew fests. I really depends. If S9 is there I just walk away saying 'I'm not doing this'. I don't want him to see us fight. He's seen too much already. After the night when I laid down the no texting OM boundary in my house she really went OTT. S9 is really sensitive with this stuff.

[mahhhty]

Sorry NDY. Onward & upward. Don't fret over things you can't control. Perhaps memorize the Serenity Prayer.

[Pyrite]

hi Wonka,

If i could set up a separate living quarters I would be there in a flash. On my thread I posted that my biggest worry is confusion it will cause the kids. Not to mention inevitable fighting, at least tense environment.

I am looking forward to this level of detachment from STBX your uncle has. One of my mums friends had WAH leave with A partner 20 years ago. She hated her, but became friends with his next girlfriend. That R also fizzled, but the two women became and still are best friends.

A story over here aired recently about a prominent coach that now has a debilitating disease. He was set to be shipped off to a nursing home but then his 30 year XW and mother of his children stepped in as his carer. She is remarried!

Just goes to show what time can do hey