Hi everyone. Things were going great here for a long time, and today just sucked.
Kids and I gave H a day at the golf course. He invited three other AF guys and they all went for their t-time which was at 6:55 am. H left the house b/4 any of us were awake. H told me yesterday he'd be home by the latest 2:30pm. Well, all day went by, I called his cel several times, NO H.
Finally, he drags his butt in at 5:45pm. Drunk as a skunk. Can't even talk. My kids were screaming "daddy, daddy", and I'm ushering him upstairs so they don't have to see him like that. (This is the very first time I have EVER seen H drunk, so I'm still shocked!).
We were supposed to go out for pizza, the kids made him presents. My older D who is 3 1/2 kept asking when he would get home, when can she give him her present, when can we go get pizza. She wouldn't even eat dinner because she wanted pizza with daddy for Father's Day. I had to feed them at 5pm because they were so hungry, but even then, older D wouldn't eat.
So, first thing I said to H when he got home (after how did you get here - other guy took him home), was "You know, I had one H like this before and I don't need another one". My XH was an alcoholic, so days like this were not rare! He said, or rather, slurred "one time babe, this is one time". Whatever.
I guess it just brought me back to when I used to go through it on a daily basis years ago. Anyway, I'm pissed, sad for my kids, angry, etc.
H passed out in bed as soon as he got upstairs. He was asleep until I went up at 10:30. It's now 11pm here in HI. I woke him up and asked him to move over so that I could get in bed. Then, I just couldn't help myself, I asked if he was sorry. He said yes, that he only had a few (BS, he probably just doesn't remember having all that he had, I find it hard to believe that he could get that drunk on just a few). So, I said don't you think we were all upset waiting on you with no calls or anything? We had plans, H. He said "I didn't think it would be a big deal". Oh no he didn't!
Then, he said they left the golf course and came back to our base, RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD to the little par 3, and sat for ANOTHER 3 hours at that clubhouse. Now, if I wasn't pissed before, I am now. Right down the road. Why didn't you call H? H: I didn't realize the time. Why didn't you just come home when you were finished golfing? H: I don't know, I didn't think it would be a big deal. Obviously, he's still a bit lit-up because he was slurring a bit. Then, he GOT PISSED AT ME!! Got up and started to stagger downstairs saying he was going to sleep on the couch. Then, I start crying, saying I'm sorry I upset him, etc. I was crying "can't you just understand why I'm so upset?". H: I don't want to talk about it now. I said "I'll sleep downstairs". So, I went downstairs, crying my eyes out, he comes downstairs. To apologize? NOPE. To get some water. I follow him upstairs and say "when can we discuss this". H: I was going to apologize in the morning. ME: I can't understand why I'm feeling so guilty for being angry. I'm upset for the kids, I'm upset because I was worried about you, and you're angry that I want to discuss it. I didn't do anything wrong". He said :I know you didn't do anything wrong, but I'm tired.
So, here I am downstairs, crying, typing, wishing I was a drinker.
You know, I have spent the last 7 months DBing, doing 180's, etc. Changing my responses, changing myself, etc. Yet, maybe he seems to feel that since things have gotten better, he can do what he wants and I won't make a stink because if I do, the problems will happen again? Maybe he thinks I won't make a stink because I don't want to rock the boat. Who knows. I am so upset right now. I feel like he should have been apologizing left and right. He didn't spend ANY time with his kids today, broke his promise about having pizza for dinner with them, and I'M THE ONE FEELING BAD!!
Sure, I'm nervous about being seen as the stubborn, B*#ch that he used to see me as, but don't I have a right to get upset about things? What am I supposed to do? Let this go without showing/telling that I'm upset and have him let us down again because he'll think he can because Jill is such a wuss??
Things were so great for so long. He is not a drinker, he has never been drunk in all the time we've been married. I saw him a little buzzed years ago, but never drunk. The guys he was with are all married. Only one or two have kids. But, what kind of men are these that they don't spend time with their kids on father's day??? Is that the norm now? Is it ok to disappoint a 3 year old? And an almost 2 year old???
I don't even know what to say to him tomorrow. Right now, I don't even know how I feel. I want him to hurt like he's hurt me so many times, that's probably how I feel. But you know what? Jill is so sweet and nice, that I CALL WHEN I'M GOING TO BE LATE, I DON'T DO CRAP LIKE THIS. I don't blow off my plans with my family. The drinking thing isn't even that bad to me because he never does that, it's the fact that he didn't even care that he blew us off.
What could he possibly say to me tomorrow that will make this better? I just don't know. I guess I'm just pissed at myself too, for being too much of a coward right now to get really pissed off at him in front of him. I didn't want to do that because it might make him upset and cause a downward spiral, and then we'd be back to where we were 7 months ago.
I just can't believe him. To be so indignant about it. To be so cavalier, and uncaring. Like we didn't even matter. Maybe that's what Jill should be. Maybe I should blow him off, act like I don't give a rat's a$$ about him, how would he like it?? I've never done that to him, but I'm SO tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm tired of not rocking the boat.
Jill, sweetie, calm down. First of all, you need to own a few things: 1) You overreacted to this because of your history with your first husband. That's not H's fault. He hasn't given you any reason to worry about his drinking, so a one-time event, when he is out having a good time with his buddies, should not be a big deal. I'd say your Father's Day present was a success - he went out and had a great time. (BTW - there may have been some social pressure involved here, H trying to "fit in" with the guys).
2) While he's drunk or hung over is NOT the time to address your very legitimate concerns that you would have liked him to call. You just came off as a nagging mother instead of an equal partner calmly asking for some respect. Guys do NOT want you to be their mom!! Don't go there. Should have waited a day, until he was sober, then said something like "It bothered me that you were so late and didn't call. The girls and I were waiting to celebrate Father's Day with you. In the future, I would like you to call when you are going to be late. And maybe next Father's Day, we could plan something for the family, and have the golf thing be on another day."
3) Bear in mind, your vision for Father's Day and his may be completely different. Some people feel it's a day to spend with family, being close. Other's feel it's a day "off" from parenting - like the mom who goes out to a spa, no cooking, or the local woman who went surfing all day on Mother's Day. These may be different from your expectations, but it is a legitimate way to look at these holidays too.
So - yes your H was a bonehead for not calling - but you overreacted and turned it into a much bigger negative. So apologize to him. Explain your concerns calmly, but at a later date, after you have repaired this.
Okay - off topic - how's your 12 week challenge going? S16 and I are starting ours today!
Hi guys! I thought about how I acted today during my morning walk. I did overreact, and I felt badly about it. I know this is not common for my H, and I know he was probably pressured into it by the other guys w/him. He probably didn't want to seem like a weeny.
Anyway, H was saying how sorry he was over and over again this morning. I didn't even have to bring it up. He said that he was so wrong, and felt so badly. He also (thankfully) didn't remember anything I said last night (aka: Nagging). He didn't remember us discussing it, me crying, or any of it. He's such a lightweight, he kept saying "babe, I swear, I only had a few, I had no idea it would affect me like that". I asked him if he could understand why I'd be upset, and he said "I totally understand, and I was so wrong. You have every right to be upset and angry.". Then I guess he thought everything was peachy keen, but I told him that "I'm not there yet", and he was very understanding. But, we had a good talk this AM, his choice since he brought it up. We also ended up having a good laugh at his expense (his headache this morning, and the way he was so drop dead drunk). I'd never seen him like that, and I was shocked I guess. I had flashbacks to XH and how he would come in almost everyday like that. I told H that, and he asked me not to compare him w/"that", and I said I'm not, I just had a few minutes of bad memories.
All in all, he had a good time, and I'm glad he did, but I'm not happy about the not calling, and disappointing the kids, but it will pass. I have a good husband, and this is hopefully just a bump in the road.
I can see that I am much more understanding that I used to be. I would have been so nuts today after what happened if I had been the "old" Jill. But the new Jill looked at things clearly (well, except for last night when I had a bit of bad DBing, which he thankfully doesn't remember), and I'm past it. I'm not mad anymore, just disappointed, and that will pass too. He's been a wonderfull husband since we've been "piecing" so, I have to look at the whole picture I guess. Thanks for the support guys!
As for the challenge: I have been dieting, and walking everyday at 6:30, 2 miles, not much, but I have to get home to take care of the kids so H can go to work. I haven't really been participating in the challenge too much, mostly doing it on my own. I can see that I've toned up a bit, only lost 3 pounds in the last month, but I've lost some flab, so that's good. I guess toning doesn't cause too much weight loss. But, I love my walks, and I love seeing the way things fit a little better now! Glad your climb was a success! HURRAY FOR ELLIE!
Yeah, I think you over-reacted too. But with understandable cause from your past experiences with xH.
If it's not a pattern...let it go. Sure he should have called. Stuff like that gets away from you when you've had a few and like someone else said, he might not have wanted to look "whipped" in front of the guys.
As for "just having a few" I've heard that from my H when I know he's drunker than that would indicate. Maybe he hadn't eaten anything much before drinking? Is he on meds that might heighten the effect? (some antidepressants, pain meds, even meds for stomach acid can amplifiy the effects of alcohol!!!).
So take the wise advice above (must have been Ellie ) and learn from this one!
) and learn from this one!