The story so far... -STBX involved in A since late December/early January 2015 -I begin versions of LRT in mid-February -STBX moves in with her parents first week of April -I expose A to OM's W in mid-April -STBX threatens to file for D immediately following exposure of A -Holding pattern for now -Pulling farther back from STBX -Established boundary regarding daily contact with children -Getting served D papers any day
The title of this thread comes from a Nirvana song. Felt appropriate. Today is apparently the day that my W will serve me D papers. Can a Monday get any worse?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - thinking of you. The anxiety is the worst leading up to it. In my experience, it will get easier. Again, it's a process and everybody's journey is different.
While mine hasn't gone for the best, yours can - after you realize what best is for you.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Ok concerning the post Wonka gave you about the R talks. I am not sure how closely you are following my sitch but I have been at this for almost 2 years now ... DBing half that.
When and if you do get to the R talks .. which in our cases its few and far between its a good opportunity for you as the LBH to make a firm stand on what you NEED .. not want. Your W seems pretty wishy washy, its not a bad thing to simply state what you need out of a relationship, this does a couple things. First it shows her that you are strong and you are not just going to accept what happened, in fact you learned from it, taking a leadership role in your relationship and standing up for yourself and stating your needs... this relationship or the next ... notice I dropped the seed of what I NEED from my spouse, 'whomever' that will be (The image of us with someone else is something they typically are not prepared for). Secondly it lets her know what you expect from her as a W from this point forward ... your demands/boundaries may be out of the question, but that does not matter .. its what YOU NEED ... mine were simple, and if she can not meet them then I honestly have no desire to try to DB nor save the M and I was clear that we might as well file .... this also has some effect in the fact that now its not just them pushing for D, when I agreed to sign all the docs at mediation and actually set up the appointments this really confused her.
When a WAW is not to sure about D and the LBH finds himself, knows he will be ok regardless of the situation this really gets them confused and starts painting a clearer picture over that fantasyland canvas.
Strength and honor, Defacto. Prayers going up your way today. Remember, as others have pointed out -- being served is NOT the be-all/end-all. My wife and I pulled back from that abyss no less than four times in our sitch, and have now put 8 years into our rear-view mirror since that ugly summer of 2007. Even if you DO end up divorcing, approximately 20% of divorced couples end up re-marrying each other, with an overwhelming majority reporting that the new marriage is far stronger and happier than the old one!
. . .its not a bad thing to simply state what you need out of a relationship, this does a couple things. First it shows her that you are strong and you are not just going to accept what happened, in fact you learned from it, taking a leadership role in your relationship and standing up for yourself and stating your needs... this relationship or the next ... notice I dropped the seed of what I NEED from my spouse, 'whomever' that will be (The image of us with someone else is something they typically are not prepared for). Secondly it lets her know what you expect from her as a W from this point forward ... your demands/boundaries may be out of the question, but that does not matter .. its what YOU NEED ...
This ^^^ is golden stuff, Defacto. The people I've seen DB successfully (Pearlharbr comes immediately to mind) were masters at positioning their "demands" as more of a "Hey, I don't know if *you* can be this person or not; I'm just telling you it's what *I* need. I totally understand if you don't think you can do this (I think Pearl actually went so far as to tell her wayward boyfriend that she didn't think he could!), but I'm not going to accept anything less than this in a marital relationship going forward, whether that's with you or with someone else."
Powerful flipping of the power dynamic, and it's really just learning to assert (and enforce) your own boundaries in life.
. . .(Pearlharbr comes immediately to mind) were masters at positioning their "demands" as more of a "Hey, I don't know if *you* can be this person or not; I'm just telling you it's what *I* need. I totally understand if you don't think you can do this (I think Pearl actually went so far as to tell her wayward boyfriend that she didn't think he could!), . . .
I don't know if I'd recommend this with a wayward wife as much as I would with a wayward husband or boyfriend. There's someone about telling us guys that you don't think we have the chops to be able to do something difficult, that makes us want to rise to the challenge!
Thanks for you support. I wouldn't be handling this at all without all of your positivity. So far today has gone well. Work has kept me busy and I am staying grounded. I am ok with the inevitable. I know it's not end of anything.
STBX has called three times this morning. I ignored these calls. I don't feel like helping her deal with the guilt she might be feeling right now.
Cali, I took your advice and began to work on my list of needs in a R. This was an empowering exercise and really helped instill a newfound confidence. I deserve to be fulfilled in my relationships. Now is my chance to ensure that I have that opportunity, either with my STBX or a future Mrs. Defacto.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thinking positive thoughts for you Defacto. Like others have stated, this isn't the end of the road by far and in fact may just be the turning point in the journey.
Keep breathing.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
STBX has called three times this morning. I ignored these calls. I don't feel like helping her deal with the guilt she might be feeling right now.
Exaaaactly. If she texts you later with a "You okay?" (after presumably you get served), just delay a couple of hours and maybe reply with an "Of course. Not what I would have wanted, by any stretch, but I realize now I'll be just fine no matter what the outcome" (or something similar).
