I came to this site 6 years ago when my husband dropped the bomb of "I don't love you" and began to exhibit all the common MLC behaviors. The book, the website, and the community were so helpful to me at the time so thanks everyone! Updating you guys in case it helps someone find hope in a dark time.
So what ended up happening was I gave my husband 3 months of his MLC behavior then though I'd been pretty calm and non-reactive in my dealings with him, inside his behavior was too damaging and hurtful to me. His MLC was dragging me down to a bad place and I refused to continue because I had to stay whole and strong for my kids. He did have an OW. I didn't even try to spy on him or hunt this information down, it was pretty much in my face. I made him leave the house. Got a separation which eventually became a divorce after a few years.
Those first few years were hard as heck. So very, very hard to recover from the end of my marriage and the total personality change in my ex-husband. It was a dark time and I struggled with a lot of self blame as everyone says that it takes two to make a marriage work...took me years to realize that it only takes one to have a midlife crisis! I look back and it was a miracle that I got through those hard times. I really understand why some people have breakdowns when their spouse leaves them as I was near the edge of it a few times. I did some limited therapy which was helpful.
Time and focusing on myself healed the pain. I worked very hard on improving my life. Today I'm closer to my kids than ever and we do a ton of family things together like camping, hiking, fishing, scouts, canoeing, etc. In a way I almost feel like I'm the dad to my kids because he never does that type of fatherly stuff with them on his weekends so I became more active to ensure my kids have all the childhood memories that I had with my dad. My kids had a rough time at first but are doing great today. I never speak ill of their father in front of them and try to be respectful of him in my dealings.
I got my finances in order and did years of working hard to raise my credit score after the divorce tanked it. I own my own home now - yay! I've been promoted at work. At first it was hard to have weekends without my kids but now I have realized that I deserve time to myself and it makes me a better mother for all my time with them. Most of my focus is on my kids of course but I also treat myself right.
I've been dating since the divorce with mixed results. It's not all a piece of cake dating again of course. I have been dating a hot younger man for several years now who makes me feel very wanted and sexy. Really have had a ton of fun times with him that I would not trade for the world! Don't know if this boyfriend will become a husband because the truth is that after what happened with my ex, I'm much more cautious and in no rush to live with or marry another man.
As for my ex....he's living with the other woman. She's crass with a very high school type of mentality and drinks a lot. They both have gained a massive amount of weight since they don't eat healthy or exercise. He's sick all the time and a serious health condition that had been under remission his whole time married to me is resurfacing now that he isn't living healthy. I am polite to them and don't cause any scenes when I see them. Rumor has it that she's pressuring him to get engaged. So if she succeeds he gets the karma of being a cheater married to a cheater. His little fantasy world with her finally ended and he's faced with the day to day of being with this awful woman. They are reaping their own karma. The best revenge is living well!
I would say to others going through this to focus on being good to themselves, take baby steps to reach their goals, never give up hope for a happier future, and don't buy into blaming themselves for the end of their marriage. Midlife crisis is common and not caused by the left behind spouse. Unfortunately there is no way to tell when you marry someone if they are going to have a midlife crisis and how bad it will be. Some marriages survive it and some don't. If yours survives it then that is awesome! But if divorce happens then it is sometimes a door to an even better, happier life for you as it was for me.
I struggled with a lot of self blame as everyone says that it takes two to make a marriage work...took me years to realize that it only takes one to have a midlife crisis!
Hear hear!
Quote:
I worked very hard on improving my life.
THIS is the key!
Quote:
I own my own home now - yay! I've been promoted at work. I have been dating a hot younger man for several years now who makes me feel very wanted and sexy.
And THIS is the reward!!!!
Quote:
As for my ex....he's living with the other woman. She's crass with a very high school type of mentality and drinks a lot. They both have gained a massive amount of weight since they don't eat healthy or exercise. He's sick all the time and a serious health condition that had been under remission his whole time married to me is resurfacing now that he isn't living healthy.
