Yesterday, a friend of mine who is at the end of a very nasty divorce and custody battle sent me a text wherein he said he was heartbroken and despondent - he had a busy day, but really just wanted to stay in bed.
I am having that kind of morning right now - brokenhearted and despondent. Last night, the W came with my son and me to visit family that came into town for dinner out and a minor league baseball game. I'm not sure why - she spent half the dinner texting and making phone calls, and the bulk of the game arguing with me.
I am starting to feel as if there is no point to my DB efforts. She is panicked about money, wants to lease the house in September. By then, she wants separate places. She is "not coming back to me," she's said a thousand times, despite the fact I am not asking her to. The OW is all she can think about, their future together, and the financial resources she can provide for new business ventures between them.
Here I am, wanting to be that calm lighthouse in the midst of her crazy, but really, I'm just brokenhearted and overwhelmed... currently looking for work without the slightest bit of motivation to do anything, having to move our kids out of the house in the next few weeks and make sure they are settled, needing to figure out new living arrangements - and hoping she doesn't try to screw me over in the process. The one person who promised to love, protect, and take care of me... she's been replaced by this cold-hearted puppet of the OW.
I know couples have come back from worse. I just don't see much hope for this now... and if this is who she is, I don't see the point. I need to know there's hope for me and a new life beyond this pain, but I'm not feeling it today. Definitely a day for burying myself under the covers.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/09/1501:39 PM. Reason: Links
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I hate that this will be the second post in your thread.
But GOD do I hear you this morning. I've had two total meltdowns for the first time in weeks. And it's only 9:30. I want nothing more than to run back into bed and just block out the world today.
But it will pass. Next time, it will hurt less. We will both come back stronger.
Hey Matt. So sorry to hear this from you. I know this will pass, but it's an ache unlike any other. I confess I am still in bed. But really, it doesn't help. The pain doesn't go away.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Here I am, wanting to be that calm lighthouse in the midst of her crazy, but really, I'm just brokenhearted and overwhelmed...
DifRent
Keep digging deep and be that lighthouse no matter how grim things look, fake it until you make it.
Sorry things are pulling you down today, I understand the feeling of hopelessness at times. The pain just overwhelms you and you lose motivation/desire to keep doing anything because it all seems pointless. I've had the same feelings lately.
Were all brokenhearted through this, its likely the single hardest thing we have experienced in our lives. I wish none of us had to go through this pain but its life. We just have to continue to pick ourselves up and force movement forward no matter how hard it is. Stay strong.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg. Today, forced movement forward means moving from the bed to the front porch. Thankfully I have a divorce support group tonight, too.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hey Matt. So sorry to hear this from you. I know this will pass, but it's an ache unlike any other. I confess I am still in bed. But really, it doesn't help. The pain doesn't go away.
Nope. There's nothing any of us can do to stop the pain. All we can do is weather the storm. The next time, it won't be as sharp or as deep or as long.
Let it hit you. Then check in 10 minutes, an hour, 6 hours...whatever. We'll both still be breathing. You can do it. I can do it.
Sorry you and Matt are having such a rough time. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to feel the pain. That's not wallowing, and trying to bury it so that we can take care of business isn't healthy. If you have the time, just sit with the pain. Allow yourself to really feel it. Give yourself permission. If you can't give yourself permission to do this from time to time, you aren't letting yourself be human and it won't be sustainable.
When I'm really struggling, I focus on where in my body I'm feeling the pain (you know, tension, clenching, etc.). Just get in touch with the full experience of it. This and welcoming it rather than fighting it takes some of the power out of its sails because you are processing it and inserting some control but in a way that allows the feelings to just be there. It is sort of leaning in gently. Often, I find insights come about things I struggle with.
All that said, it [censored], but it does pass, just like everything else. This is just a step upon the journey to healing. So, embrace the suckiness for a bit. Make it something you do for yourself. Then you can get back to lighthouse mode.
Struggling a bit myself today, so maybe it is something in the planetary alignment. Horiscope says that WAW will push our buttons and we will question whether any of our hard efforts are worth it. Don't take it personally, Jupiter is in alignment with Alpha Centauri so just chalk it up to sh*t happens and you've just stepped in it.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I am so sorry that you are having dark moments. We have all been there.
Try to ignore your W as much as possible, GAL, and keep moving. Regardless of the outcome of your M, it will help you as a person. Remember that you control your happiness not her. That is a choice we all get to make.
Why do you have to move? She should move. Things should be as less disruptive as possile for the kids. Don't move and make her. Is your name on the mortgage deed? If so, she can't force you to move. Can you make the payments on the house solo - if so don't move. Yes, she will try to screw you over in the process, it's part of it. I am sorry and my W is doing the exact same thing.
Are you legally married? If so, get an attorney.
Let her panick all she wants about money - her problem not yours.
Make small goals for yourself for each day, get up, take shower, get dressed, fix hair, eat breakfast, that kind of thing until you feel more in control of your emotions. Lists really do help.
One foot in front of the other. Think only about getting through the day, not too far into the future. That helps with feeling overwhelmed.
