I'm sorry. But I thought this might happen. If you push someone, they might push back. Both people have to agree in order for boundaries to work. If someone is dead-set on texting, they will text.
JAL,
Wrong answer. Setting a boundary is for YOU. One does not have to agree with it, but to respect it. A wayward spouse cannot behave carte blanche and ride roughshod over the LBS. Of course, the WAW will spew over this boundary setting and TEST you in several ways. This is what people who are affair-addled will do...anything to get the LBS to back down so they can continue misbehaving and disrespecting the LBS.
She and I just had a blow out over text gate. I stood my ground. Ok, that did make things worse and do you know what? I make no apologies. This is probably the worst DB thread ever but I will no longer pussy foot around this.
Well done! This is essential that you be calm and firm with this boundary.
You've talked me off the ledge a few times in the past. Take a deep breath, take a walk, go to the gym...do something other than continuing to try and set a boundary that she is not going to honor right now. She told you she doesn't consider you married anymore. So walk away from it. Pretend the texting doesn't bother you. Don't look at her phone, even when she's holding it right in front of you.
Just get away from it. Don't let her know it bothers you.
What is the consequence for crossing/breaking a boundary? If you can't come up with a consequence for breaking the boundary, then there is no reason to set it. Just ignore it.
It's working for me so far. W was doing a lot of disrespectful things, and I would try to set boundaries around them. But she kept doing it, and I thought...why the hell get mad over it? I just didn't let it bother me.
She apparently doesn't want to come back/be married to you right now (this could change if you want it to and play your cards right.) I don't think that at this point you're in any position to be laying down any demands or boundaries...she doesn't care about them at this point.
look, I'm not a vet. I've made my share of mistakes and fallen off the wagon more than once I the past month and a half. I'm just letting you know what has given me some peace through all of this. I just told myself I'm done fighting. I'm just going to exist right now and see what happens.
good luck to you. Take a walk....it will do you good.
Can you please help me out here and put Train's thread/post here where Starsky and I worked with Train on the no texting the OW inside and around the house boundary? I was not able to find Train's threads over in the Infidelity forum.
Much appreciated!
Originally Posted By: JAL
Yeah, well she'll just text in her bedroom or bathroom. The point is being missed here. There are far bigger issues at play.
The easiest way I know how to set a boundary with a wayward wife is to mess with her primary concern...her affair partner.
"Honey, if you won't respect my boundary of not communicating with OM in our family home in front of either our son or me, I'll call OM and ask him to respect my boundary. What's his phone number again? Maybe he'll know what's good for him"
Another alternative...
Plop yourself right down next to her and say "what ya texting?"..."who ya texting?". She's trying to have a private conversation with her OM and you are interfering. She'll learn not to do it around you if she intends to keep having those conversations. Last thing she wants is you sticking to her like glue chatting her up while OM is awaiting the next hugely important text response "Noooo, I love YOUUUUU more".
The typical wayward wife does not want OM to be bothered or hassled at all. She wants to present herself to him as a sane rational kind woman so it's difficult for her to go all ballistic on you while talking to him and trying to maintain a mutually pleasant conversation. IF she does take her focus off OM and on to going nuts on you....you've succeeded in ending THAT conversation for the time being. Plus, your detached so it's no skin off your back. She'll learn.
Lastly, if your son is aware of the situation (which he should be in an age appropriate manner ~~~~ i.e. - mommy has a boyfriend, his name is xyz, mommy's are not supposed to have boyfriends other than their husband and I am doing everything I can to save your mother from making the biggest mistake of her life, but your mother is not my prisoner. She has free will to do as she chooses but no that I don't want this at all. I love you and want what's best for you and for now and willing to forgive your mother. She's not interested today. I know you've seen some stuff and you need to know that this all has nothing to do with you. But if our marriage doesn't make it you will at least be warned about the man that is, in part, responsible) then the consequences of your wife violating your boundary is to tell your wife if she does it again you will be asking your son if HE thinks it's ok for her to be talking to her boyfriend in OUR (mom, dad and sons) home.
Finally....again, be prepared for an attempt by her to have you arrested or otherwise thrown out of the house. Or...leaving and taking your son with her.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
You've talked me off the ledge a few times in the past. Take a deep breath, take a walk, go to the gym...do something other than continuing to try and set a boundary that she is not going to honor right now. She told you she doesn't consider you married anymore. So walk away from it. Pretend the texting doesn't bother you. Don't look at her phone, even when she's holding it right in front of you.
Just get away from it. Don't let her know it bothers you.
What is the consequence for crossing/breaking a boundary? If you can't come up with a consequence for breaking the boundary, then there is no reason to set it. Just ignore it.
It's working for me so far. W was doing a lot of disrespectful things, and I would try to set boundaries around them. But she kept doing it, and I thought...why the hell get mad over it? I just didn't let it bother me.
She apparently doesn't want to come back/be married to you right now (this could change if you want it to and play your cards right.) I don't think that at this point you're in any position to be laying down any demands or boundaries...she doesn't care about them at this point.
look, I'm not a vet. I've made my share of mistakes and fallen off the wagon more than once I the past month and a half. I'm just letting you know what has given me some peace through all of this. I just told myself I'm done fighting. I'm just going to exist right now and see what happens.
good luck to you. Take a walk....it will do you good.
This ^^^^ was exactly what I was trying to say but I got jumped on. Way to make a new member feel welcome...
Pages 7-8 captures the meat of the "no texting" boundary. The final version is on page 7 of that thread.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
TrainMan,
The kids are excited that you're making plans to spend time with them here this weekend.
Just one “ground rule” on this end:
While you're here, please do not text OW or call her in front of us or around us. Beyond this weekend and going forward from today and on, please also do not text or otherwise communicate with her inside our family home like you have before in the past. While we are still married – even while living apart – communicating with her in front of and around us is extremely disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family. If this occurs, you need to leave the house.
S7 said you're planning to head this way Friday. Keep us posted on your ETA that evening, and I'll have a parking pass waiting for you.
Safe travels,
Train ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you see how firm this sounds, Train? Also this clarifies the "not in front of us" part...which means he could very well think that he can do it around you, but not in front of you. This way, you make yourself abundantly clear to H what your boundary is...there's no wiggle room for H. Nor can he claim that he misunderstood or misinterpreted this in any shape, fashion, line, hooker..sinker! grin
I want to comment about boundary setting. It is not done to control the other person, but to communicate to the other person where and what YOUR personal space and values are. If a person crosses a boundary, then action is taken to enforce it.
One doesn't need to be ornery or jerk about it. It can be done through a place of calm and strength. If one demonstrates that kind of demeanor, then respect is gained from this quiet strength that will most definitely take place without all that silly drama about jail, beating up, etc.
You don't want to play silly games to try to rile up W. Cool, calm, and collected IS the way to go here.
Thanks GB. I do feel better. I expect tonight I will be cool calm and collected. I even started looking at houses again today. Should have been working but hey.
Have you considered getting a roommate to make it possible to stay in your home? It would be a less final solution, at least for now.
Ideally, a woman. Maybe a single mom.
Painter, you are naughty.
Oh, I would do it. Actually, I did. When H wanted to 'be alone', I found a roommate for me so I could keep the house and a room for him in a house with a couple of other people closer to his work, and told him about it, all excited over having solved our financial problems. He was not the least bit amused. But it was a great reality check for him, and drove the point home that I am resourceful and will not be kicked out of my own home.
How can she take your son with her? Don't you have equal rights to him?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
But it was a great reality check for him, and drove the point home that I am resourceful and will not be kicked out of my own home.