OK you need to start a new thread however what is best for YOU and S9?(lets not worry about her) Can you buy her out? How is 2 houses going to work financially?
I understand that you dont want to be divorced however that may not be in your control. Best to figure out how to make lemonade from lemons, even if you dont like it.
Unfortunately I can't afford to buy her out. The best thing for me and S9 would be (assuming the D is inevitable) would be to get the best price possible for the existing place so that he and I have a decent place to live when he is with me.
Having 2 houses financially is going to be difficult. Obviously the lifestyle we were used to is gone. History so I need to try and get at least some of that back.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
The best thing for me and S9 would be (assuming the D is inevitable) would be to get the best price possible for the existing place so that he and I have a decent place to live when he is with me.
Having 2 houses financially is going to be difficult. Obviously the lifestyle we were used to is gone. History so I need to try and get at least some of that back.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
It's pretty final though isn't it? Is there not a way Cadet, that leaves the door open for something to salvage?
You are making the assumption that divorce, the paperwork of it all makes it final.
The door can be open as long as NDY wants to keep it open.
Divorce itself is just a piece of paper IMHO.
It is also a boundary of sorts.
Once NDY totally "LETS GO" then the fighting stops and the healing can start. Up until then his wife is living on the energy that the fighting is creating. One way to snuff out a fire is to take away its fuel.
It's pretty final though isn't it? Is there not a way Cadet, that leaves the door open for something to salvage?
This is what I would like to know as well. The house, as much as people will say it's just bricks and mortar is much much more.
My WW's mind is closed off. All routs for her appear to lead to D.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Once NDY totally "LETS GO" then the fighting stops and the healing can start. Up until then his wife is living on the energy that the fighting is creating. One way to snuff out a fire is to take away its fuel.
Do you have a different suggestion?
Interesting. Very Interesting.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I don’t feel that things are great in the house right now and it is probably going to get worse before it gets better. We need to have a chat around our next steps regarding the house.
Can you please confirm that you are still of a mind of not accepting a settlement so that you can go and buy somewhere of your own? If this is the case, then we need to discuss selling the house and speaking to S9 about this. I would rather do this soon so that we can start making the necessary arrangements.
I don’t think it is healthy for any of us to continue as we are with no agreed way forward or timeline. If you could have a think of what you feel is the best way forward for S9 and also for us, to try and ensure we have a continuing productive relationship in the future. Please let me know your thoughts on this when you get a chance.
I agree. I don't think things are healthy in our home either and that we need a way to move forward. However, I adamantly disagree that separation and/or divorce is in any way "the best way forward for S9".
I know I moved back home under the premise that I didn't really care what you did, but that wasn't completely honest. I do care. You should be aware that your affair is extremely hurtful to me and it has been the single most devastating soul crushing experience of my life. Accordingly, your disrespectful, hurtful and adulterous conduct towards me has, by extension also been very hurtful to our son. I know this isn't what you really wanted to hear but the greatest contribution a parents can make to their children's happiness and success is to love each other for life. If parents love their children, and want the best for their children, they must do everything possible to preserve their marriage and make it a successful one. That means caring for each other must be their highest priority -- they must meet each other's intimate emotional needs . It's not a choice between caring for each other and caring for children. I'm not saying I've been particularly always great at doing that either, I'm just stating the overriding fact that our son would be better off with us becoming happily married again; and, thereby doing everything we can to provide him with a loving and emotionally healthy home. Children of divorce suffer whereas children for solid stable families thrive. The bottomline reality of what I'm saying is that if you truly care for our son, you'll end your affair and TOGETHER let's commit to a marital recovery plan wherein we BOTH learn to more properly care and prioritize our marriage.
Absent that, you are free to leave anytime you want. I am not your keeper. I am your husband. The man God chose as a perfect gift for you. Reject that if you want, but I remain here, standing for our marriage AND our son. Again, if what is truly best for our son is even remotely on your radar then ending your affair should be your initial priority. Then together we can work on forgiving each other. I would ask that you forgive me for the mistakes I have made (we all make mistakes and I'm more than willing to own up to mine and make amends for them) just as I'll work on forgiving you for your continued behavior, and let's get on with fixing what had always been a pretty awesome marriage admired by many.
Anyway, I thought you should know where I really stand. I think we could be great again. I know you doubt this. I know you FEEL like you could never love me again. You don't have to yell or attack me trying to convince me you THINK or even KNOW that it's never going to happen because how you FEEL now isn't the absolute truth. That's because feelings aren't truth. Feelings lie and feelings change. Leave me for [OM} and you'll see. Any "man" willing to date a married woman with children lacks countenance. He is a weak man and he will fail you; and, in time you will come to realize that no one has or will ever love you enough to offer you a second chance at your family and forgiveness in the face of such indignant betrayal like I remain willing to do for you today. Don't throw us away over some fleeting "feeling". I, together with S9, am your history, your future and your family if you just pull your head out of your proverbial butt and think this through logically you'll soon realize you're making the biggest mistake of your life.
Your only true soulmate,
NDY
*draft the letter...send it...then GAL and detach. This letter isn't going to convince her of anything today or, maybe ever. It's not meant to change her mind. It's only purpose is to let her know where you stand so YOU can detach better and recover faster knowing you got that off your chest. If she blows up at you, your only response should likely be something like "thank you for sharing your honest feelings with me but as I said, feelings aren't truth and feelings change". If she defends OM or relates anything about OM, you just say "OM is not a part of this family. He is a loser. He is irrelevant".
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I don’t feel that things are great in the house right now and it is probably going to get worse before it gets better. We need to have a chat around our next steps regarding the house.
Can you please confirm that you are still of a mind of not accepting a settlement so that you can go and buy somewhere of your own? If this is the case, then we need to discuss selling the house and speaking to S9 about this. I would rather do this soon so that we can start making the necessary arrangements.
I don’t think it is healthy for any of us to continue as we are with no agreed way forward or timeline. If you could have a think of what you feel is the best way forward for S9 and also for us, to try and ensure we have a continuing productive relationship in the future. Please let me know your thoughts on this when you get a chance.
I agree. I don't think things are healthy in our home either and that we need a way to move forward. However, I adamantly disagree that separation and/or divorce is in any way "the best way forward for S9".
I know I moved back home under the premise that I didn't really care what you did, but that wasn't completely honest. I do care. You should be aware that your affair is extremely hurtful to me and it has been the single most devastating soul crushing experience of my life. Accordingly, your disrespectful, hurtful and adulterous conduct towards me has, by extension also been very hurtful to our son. I know this isn't what you really wanted to hear but the greatest contribution a parents can make to their children's happiness and success is to love each other for life. If parents love their children, and want the best for their children, they must do everything possible to preserve their marriage and make it a successful one. That means caring for each other must be their highest priority -- they must meet each other's intimate emotional needs . It's not a choice between caring for each other and caring for children. I'm not saying I've been particularly always great at doing that either, I'm just stating the overriding fact that our son would be better off with us becoming happily married again; and, thereby doing everything we can to provide him with a loving and emotionally healthy home. Children of divorce suffer whereas children for solid stable families thrive. The bottomline reality of what I'm saying is that if you truly care for our son, you'll end your affair and TOGETHER let's commit to a marital recovery plan wherein we BOTH learn to more properly care and prioritize our marriage.
Absent that, you are free to leave anytime you want. I am not your keeper. I am your husband. The man God chose as a perfect gift for you. Reject that if you want, but I remain here, standing for our marriage AND our son. Again, if what is truly best for our son is even remotely on your radar then ending your affair should be your initial priority. Then together we can work on forgiving each other. I would ask that you forgive me for the mistakes I have made (we all make mistakes and I'm more than willing to own up to mine and make amends for them) just as I'll work on forgiving you for your continued behavior, and let's get on with fixing what had always been a pretty awesome marriage admired by many.
Anyway, I thought you should know where I really stand. I think we could be great again. I know you doubt this. I know you FEEL like you could never love me again. You don't have to yell or attack me trying to convince me you THINK or even KNOW that it's never going to happen because how you FEEL now isn't the absolute truth. That's because feelings aren't truth. Feelings lie and feelings change. Leave me for [OM} and you'll see. Any "man" willing to date a married woman with children lacks countenance. He is a weak man and he will fail you; and, in time you will come to realize that no one has or will ever love you enough to offer you a second chance at your family and forgiveness in the face of such indignant betrayal like I remain willing to do for you today. Don't throw us away over some fleeting "feeling". I, together with S9, am your history, your future and your family if you just pull your head out of your proverbial butt and think this through logically you'll soon realize you're making the biggest mistake of your life.
Your only true soulmate,
NDY
*draft the letter...send it...then GAL and detach. This letter isn't going to convince her of anything today or, maybe ever. It's not meant to change her mind. It's only purpose is to let her know where you stand so YOU can detach better and recover faster knowing you got that off your chest. If she blows up at you, your only response should likely be something like "thank you for sharing your honest feelings with me but as I said, feelings aren't truth and feelings change". If she defends OM or relates anything about OM, you just say "OM is not a part of this family. He is a loser. He is irrelevant".
I love this GB. This is fantastic.
I will leave it tonight so that others can chip in if need be. Anyway she won't be at her email any more tonight but thank you for articulating something so well that captures how I feel.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I thought we'd decided that letter writing was a no go? I like parts of it though, but is it just a 'getting it off your chest' moment or something that may work.
Cadet, I don't know. D may just be paper, but it's pretty final when it comes to financials etc.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
