Speaking of Christianity- Py, your quote above reminded me that it's believed God loves us so much he'll let us make our own destructive choices. Let's strive to love our WAS's the same way. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional availability free of boundaries. But can we not still love them and wish them well on their journey? And can we not still love the world though it fails to meet our hopes?
In fact, as I write this I realize this is just more "the world not meeting expectations". Wow, I am seeing this video everywhere now.
Its great when we see the world through rose tinted glasses. So much of the first few months following BD were tainted by **** smudged, eye bleeding glasses. It may even be nothing more than simply the astonishing contrast that makes us appreciate it so much. Although I do believe it has more far reaching and genuinely +ve consequences than that.
My W has been pushing me hard lately, making it hard to be compassionate. I am not backsliding on that track. I would like to love like God as Z describes above. And that makes a lot of sense “Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional availability free of boundaries”. But I don’t know that I should really love my STBX unconditionally, well it depends on what that means doesn't it.
I think I am happy that I am satisfying the above condition of “unconditionally” by loving the memory of her, without any bitterness. Maybe the sort of love you should have for your fellow man could fall into this unconditional love basket. Only seeing the beauty in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, non-judgemental etc. But romantic love, that’s something different.
I was falling in romantic love with my W from the first moment I saw her. Maybe that is the problem, why our M fell apart. Because when I didn’t feel that reciprocated I started effectively detaching from that romantic love, and what was left was not enough to sustain a M. Maybe that is why I cant see that romantic love ever coming back either.
In terms of boundaries, I now see it as the boundary I place being around her, not me. Everything she does inside her bubble, floats off with her, and has nothing to do with me. She may be just another fellow man, a person in my life that I extend certain respects and courtesies to. If she or any ones else is nice or horrible, I treat them the same way.
I'm OK with this. I sigh. I am tired. And I cant always remain focused when faced with her antics. But hey, I’m getting better at it.
ALSO - L’ing has begun. She was served today with a “Notice of Intent”. Basically the formal notice reads - WE are not moving. Relocating the family to accomodate your fairytale ending is not going to happen. If she wants to object, the judge will decide. My L has been very patient reassuring me that in our case ALL things are equal. The court is not in favour of ruling for a change to the status quo unless there is a good reason to do so, AND in this case it is the best interests of the children that is of prime concern.
W’s proposed change does NOT improve the children interests and in fact worsens them. Changing creche/kinder/school she can argue is a relatively shorter trauma (but unnecessary, especially when the other 50% [me] is willing [and keen] to stay in same area). W’s proposed relocation also moves the children twice as far away from extended family. AND it is reasonable that she CAN maintain her job without relocating.
The only consequence to her is that she will not have exactly the fairytale ending she was planning. Apart from NOT having the privacy to enjoy her new romance she will realistically be subjected to more modest accommodation. Simply the accomadation which I would be subject to, in order to maintain the existing 50% custody arrangement. (i.e. a 2/3 bedroom apartment with no backyard). We have taken the position that following our notice of intent, should she still decide to move 1.5 hours away, we will partition for re-consideration of the custody arrangement.
So the ball is in her court. My L is very confident that the court will not see moving the children as a good thing and so she is left faced with the immediately above ultimatum. The necessity of issuing this notice was that IF she re-located tomorrow and/or moved the children, then our argument would be less impactful. From this point on, IF she does do either of those things, it is formally regarded that she did so with full knowledge of our intent, and retaliatory.
SO - how do I feel? Liberated. The worst case scenario is she takes the kids 100% with the courts blessing (a long shot) and the best case is I buy her out of our house and I get the kids. It would be equally as good if she lived close(r) by and maintained 50% custody. This would be best for my girls.
L-ing has sharply accentuated the reality of the likely futures ahead, and I feel that I will be OK whatever the outcome. At best - I’ll be laughing by Christmas. At worst, it might take me a few years longer - but I will laugh again.
Well done for protecting you and your children. Looks like you covered all the bases.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks Guys. True Huddy, it is very sad :(, but hey - could always be worse right? trying to appreciate what I have and focus on what could be. Still, it isn't always so easy. She'll be here in 10 minutes to drop off kids after her mid-week visit. Hooray!
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Thanks Guys. True Huddy, it is very sad :(, but hey - could always be worse right? trying to appreciate what I have and focus on what could be. Still, it isn't always so easy. She'll be here in 10 minutes to drop off kids after her mid-week visit. Hooray!
Spew jacket at the ready. Breath. Remember you don't care about her actions any more as long as they don't affect the kids. Be strong my ozzy friend.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Spew jacket at the ready. Breath. Remember you don't care about her actions any more as long as they don't affect the kids. Be strong my ozzy friend.
Thanks mate. There were no sparks tonight. She was very blunt. Dropped them off. Said nothing and left. I dont know what to make of it really.
A colleague was asking if she had reacted yet, and I told him no. He commented that most people get the **** scared out of them when they receive a letter from a lawyer - maybe it will shock her back to reality - out of the fairytale fog she is in.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Thanks mate. There were no sparks tonight. She was very blunt. Dropped them off. Said nothing and left. I dont know what to make of it really.
Meh, so you upset her a bit. Poor thing. I get this kind of cr@p all the time from my WW. She came home in a mood (no idea why, don't care) then I caught her staring at me when putting S9 to bed. That was not a look of love let me tell you.
Quote:
A colleague was asking if she had reacted yet, and I told him no. He commented that most people get the **** scared out of them when they receive a letter from a lawyer - maybe it will shock her back to reality - out of the fairytale fog she is in.
Doubtful. No expectations, right?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
