My story pt 2

[Kembo05]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569546#Post2569546

(Cadet I am not sure if that is how I post the first thread of mine)

So we met with the counselor yesterday and he emphasized how we could work the marriage out if we wanted. He also said he would help with D recovery if we took that route. My W spoke a lot at the beginning about how she made the decision to file and he finally asked me what I wanted, if I still wanted to be married and I waited about 15 seconds before I answered and I just said "I don't really know. I know that I want to address some of the issues we have had, because throughout this whole process I realized we haven't even done that, and I know at some point we are going to have to address those issues, they won't just go away regardless of what we decide to do. I won't know if I still want to be married to her unless we address those issues first"

He spoke some more and then asked if we would be willing to come back for another session, he also asked my W to put the D filing on hold. My W quickly answered that she would be willing to come back but she didn't want to put D filing on hold since she already filed. She nonchalantly said obviously best case scenario is we can work things out and stay together but she wasn't going in with that mind set, she just wanted us to be able to communicate with each other regardless of what happens. She also said she is afraid I am going to take retaliation on any mediation with D because of what she has done and because I don't think she has given everything an honest effort. I THINK she is afraid of this because she knows she is the one who had the affair and her emotional health can be questioned because the guy was 20 years old.

It was then my turn to answer if I would be willing to come back and I waited another 15-20 seconds for dead silence before I answered and I just said yeah I would be willing to because I want to address the issues in a safe environment and they would have to be addressed at some point regardless.

I went to eat with friends after our counseling session and on my way home to get ready my W texted if she should get my D2 ready since she was going with me and I said no thanks, she responded with "I just meant her hair and stuff" and I just said oh, no thank you. I came home and she still had my D2 ready to go. My W asked a couple of questions about who I was going with and what we were doing and I made it short and simple, no details. I got home and she asked some quick questions about what we did. I asked her if she had plans with D2 for Saturday because I wanted to go to the zoo with her and my W asked if she could go and I just said that is fine.

whew...been a crazy 24 hours. I am just trying to be happy, GAL, and detach from W right now. I felt the counseling session went well.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569546#Post2569546

(Cadet I am not sure if that is how I post the first thread of mine)

looks good to me!

[Matt777]

Sounds like you did as well as you could. Glad you are able to stay calm in the face of such turmoil. Keep it up!

[Bob723]

Hi Kembo!

I think you are going very well. Please keep it up.

I wish you well and will dedicate a prayer to you after this post.

Bob

[Kembo05]

So I've really been detaching, and granted it has only been a couple of days I think it is already bothering her. She had a ton of questions about what me and my D2 were doing and I could tell it was bothering her that we were out doing things without her on Friday and Saturday night. She was almost in tears when we left Saturday night

When my W told me she filed for D I told her I didn't want her calling or texting me, unless it was in regards to our D2. Around the house I have been happy and cordial but I haven't initiated any convo. When she talks I will respond but make it as short as possible. She approached me yesterday in tears and asked if I would rather her not talk to me at all because she wanted to do what I was asking; I said it's fine if she has something to say around the house I just didn't really see what there was to talk about in texts or phone calls and she just emphasized she just wanted to make sure she was doing what I was asking (that is a first since this whole ordeal started)

Lastly, a week or so ago she said how uncomfortable she is going to church with me because she has to pretend like everything is OK. I told her yesterday I was going to take D2 to church and she asked if it was just us 2 and I said yeah. Well she asked if she could come this morning and I just said yeah if she wants to that is fine. I guess it doesn't make her that uncomfortable anymore...

[Kembo05]

I woke up this morning realizing how tough this is going to be. All I wanted to do was go to my wife's room and plead with her to try and make this work. I know that is the exact opposite of what I NEED to do so I prayed and prayed and told myself I have to let her see my confidence in the face of this trial

It is just difficult thinking/hoping she will show some humbleness and a loving/forgiving attitude; because that is the opposite of what she has been

[Fogg]

It's good you don't act on that urge to beg. We all have those moments where we are willing to do anything to get them back. Even when they are in an A, we just want them.

You just have to root in your mind begging doesn't work and will actually get you further away from your goal. Patience and strength on your part is the best thing you can do, it's just hard keeping it up.

[Smothy]

I woke up this morning realizing how tough this is going to be. All I wanted to do was go to my wife's room and plead with her to try and make this work. I know that is the exact opposite of what I NEED to do so I prayed and prayed and told myself I have to let her see my confidence in the face of this trial

It is just difficult thinking/hoping she will show some humbleness and a loving/forgiving attitude; because that is the opposite of what she has been

Kembo05. Hugs. Detachment is the hardest thing I have done, but it does get better. It is hard especially when we so desperate for our spouses and rational thought goes out of the window.

Sometimes it is easier to be detach when the spouse is not being too nice, I think a loving attitude would set me back.

[Kembo05]

I agree Smothy, if she was loving and/or forgiving I don't think we would be at this spot though. She has cried a couple of times since I've detached, but I can't let that be what draws me back in to cater to her.

I understand doing what I have been doing isn't going to work, so I have to try and have faith with detachment. The biggest problem for me is worrying she will see it as bitterness or resent and then get even angrier with me. Sandi mentioned this in a previous post and how it doesn't hold true; but I also struggle with the fear she will see it as me being the same old guy I used to be. She would get frustrated that I wasn't real interested in what she was saying and our convo's were superficial and it just seems like im walking a tight rope right now; trying to detach but also not come across as I could care less when she talks.

I am a forgiving person and I know I can take steps to forgive her when and if that time comes, but I also have to remind myself, painfully, that she is the one who had the affair. I have tried to make amends but she wanted no part of it. I am just trying to look at detaching as the only options right now.

I have been real cordial and upbeat around the house, I think I have been doing great with the detachment. I am just trying to take it one day at a time.

[sandi2]

As she sees you stepping back, she will be full of questions b/c then she's interested in what you are doing, where you are going, and especially who you are going with. She has filed for a D! She is giving up her right to ask these personal questions about you GAL. This is the opportunity to appear mysterious, and causing her to wonder and be more interested. Learn how to give vague answers without lying. When she asks where you are going, say "just out". Who are you going with? "A friend". Who? Then, you just give her a look and say something like, "Seriously?" As if you are laughing it off. After all, I bet she wouldn't like you asking her about her private activities. Here's the thing to remember about a WW. She thinks it is fine & dandy for her to dump you for another man, however, she does not want you even thinking about "replacing" her with some other gal. And that is why she will be asking more & more questions. Should you assure her that you have no intentions of dating or whatever? Nope, don't tell her what she wants to hear. Remember, the rules have changed at this point of the M. Just don't say anything about who, what, where, etc. You don't have to pretend you are seeing anyone, trying to make her jealous......that's not what I am saying. Just don't give her all the answers she seeks. The WW has to wonder about setting her H free, b/c that puts him back on the market. You would be surprised how a WW wants to control little hiccup in the D.

When my W told me she filed for D I told her I didn't want her calling or texting me, unless it was in regards to our D2. Around the house I have been happy and cordial but I haven't initiated any convo. When she talks I will respond but make it as short as possible. She approached me yesterday in tears and asked if I would rather her not talk to me at all because she wanted to do what I was asking; I said it's fine if she has something to say around the house I just didn't really see what there was to talk about in texts or phone calls and she just emphasized she just wanted to make sure she was doing what I was asking (that is a first since this whole ordeal started)

Excellent!!

That last sentence, is her playing head games with you.

It is just difficult thinking/hoping she will show some humbleness and a loving/forgiving attitude; because that is the opposite of what she has been

Kembo, you may see her show up in tears (pity party) or tempting you to have sex with her (relationship temperature check), but a WW does not just show up with a humble and loving/forgiving attitude. She has to go through a lot of stuff, first.

And listen, speaking of forgiving....don't let her turn things around and make you feel that she should be forgiving you.
She is the one who is wayward and wanting out of the M, not you! Don't be the one begging for her forgiveness and thinking that will influence her in coming back. (Which I think you tried, in the the beginning.) An important part of the turning from her waywardness will be for her to feel remorse over her actions and treatment of you and what's she's done to the kids. You cannot rescue her by taking the blame for everything, b/c that takes away the remorseful stage she needs to experience. And, I know you want to do that.....b/c almost every guy that's been in your shoes wants to kiss and make up, so he thinks apologizing is what he has to do first (just like you've probably done in the past). The last thing you want, is for a WW to come back to the MR with a haughty attitude, snugly placing all the blame on you for her behavior. You can't kiss and make up with a WW. That's not to say there is nothing you can do, b/c there is. It just won't be the plan you had in mind. There are no 1-2-3 steps in this stuff, and you can't learn it all at once. So, stick with us.