This is my first post in a forum I never thought I would be a part of. I've read the Divorce Remedy book, along with some other self-help books, and am seeing a counselor (on my own) once a week. How did I get here?
About a month ago, my wife of almost 5 years admitted to an EA (which she claims has never been physical) with a co-worker at her new job. We have a 2 year old daughter, and I'm crushed. I didn't snoop of spy, I just "knew" something had been wrong for about a month, and one night I just asked her "are you seeing someone else?". She admitted "yes".
At that time, I of course had not read any books on divorce, or relationships, or how to behave, so I immediately went into full rant mode (I don't yell, ever). I suppose I'm the perfect doormat, sniveling, bawling man when it comes to these things.
Anyway, my wife says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She syas new guy is perfect for her, she's madly in love with him, and needs time to think. She doesn't know if she wants to save our marriage or not, and can't call it off with the new guy because they work together. She "knows" that she's doing is wrong, that it hurts me, that it will shatter our family, and hurt our daughter. The only thing she can say about all that is "I know".
I should also add that new guy is 47y/o, married, with son 21y/o and daughter 18y/o.
I've been trying to implement the db techniques, commit to counseling, and GAL, but I fall back into old habits, and have to "reset". Tonight after stupidly bringing up OM and talking about our R, I learned that last night, she was talking to OM on her phone with our daughter present and she even let her say hello to him. Granted, she's 2, but its infuriating.
More later with questions to come. All support is welcome. Thanks!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
We don't plan this stuff - you're gonna make a cock up of things! Read sandi2's rules, they are priceless.
Read some of the threads on here. Good advice and support abound. Post your thoughts, ask questions. You'll get a pool of people who will gravitate towards you, as well as people who will just pop by.
Best thing is not to beg or plead. That really turns them off. Don't worry, we've all done it before we get here. Keep thinking you've done nothing wrong.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Anyway, my wife says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She syas new guy is perfect for her, she's madly in love with him, and needs time to think. She doesn't know if she wants to save our marriage or not, and can't call it off with the new guy because they work together. She "knows" that she's doing is wrong, that it hurts me, that it will shatter our family, and hurt our daughter. The only thing she can say about all that is "I know".
Ah, the old ILYBINILWY speach. I got the exact same nonsense when she BD'd. It's a hard process. My WW is now in full A mode and, hate to say it mate but that's where your W is heading.
Read Sandi2's threads on the WW. They are priceless and they will guide you on how you should conduct yourself.
keep posting, and drop in on other threads. The community here is great and they will help you.
Last edited by NDY; 05/21/1510:24 AM. Reason: TYPO
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
You can't control her, so just focus on yourself and your daughter. GAL is really important right now. Just give her space right now. DO NOT talk about the relationship. That will only pi$$ her off. At least for now.
Thanks for the replies. What's been amazing is her transformation over the past few weeks. Suddenly, everything in our relationship according to her has been negative. She says we moved too fast, that we got physical way too quickly, that she stayed with me all this time because she felt bad for me, etc. I know this is a result of her own fear and guilt, and she's justifying the A in her own mind.
I should lay out some details about our life that are important...
Before we met 9 years ago, a was in a life change mode. I was making bad choices, living above my means, running up debt, and not considering my future. I was out drinking, smoking, gambling, and headed down the wrong path. When we met, we met at a bar, singing karaoke. We are both very into singing, musical theater...anything performance related. She was still married to her first husband, and we in no way had any type of relationship other than seeing each other at the bar and singing. I didn't pursue anything until she told me one night that she was legally divorced and her husband was gone.
On our first official date, I told her everything out my life at that time. I revealed about my debt ($30,000) in credit card debt. It was probably the most honest, revealing first date anyone could have. We talked for hours about life, what we wanted, and how we could help each other through it. It was pretty amazing. Things went from there, and we had an amazing time, even though we were drunk half the time. When we fought, it was always after a night out singing and drinking. Nothing has EVER escalated to physical fights or even emotional abuse. But I quickly backed off drinking and reduced it to a more responsible level. I also have not gambled since before we met.
W makes more money than I do. We both have good jobs, and have solid, stable careers. She is very focused on saving, spending wisely, and debt reduction. Throughout our relationship and marriage, we have kept our finances separate, primarily at my insistence until my debt was gone. Admittedly, it took me awhile to get in the right frame of mind to commit to paying down my debt instead of just making minimum payments. Other than about $6,000 in recent medical bills from a kidney stone, all credit card debt is gone now. She did help me with paying down about half of the $30,000 in debt. This is a huge reason apparently that she strayed...she says she's tired of being my "meal ticket". I've never once considered it that way, and before the BD was ready to talk to her about turning all the finances over to her and letting her control the money. (Its what she wanted).
Also important is that I have a condo that I bought before we met. We live in a townhome that she bought after her divorce. I can't sell the condo, so I rent it out and the rent covers all but about $100 of the monthly expenses for the condo. My condo is entirely in my name, and where we live is entirely in her name.
I'm currently "sleeping" (more like staring at the ceiling) on the couch. I'm at a point now where I don't know if I should leave or stay.
My Daughter is my world, and I just want to be here for her. But staying is making it difficult to detach from W. I really have no specific "right" to be here, and I suppose W could kick me out at any time. But she says she wants me around because I'm a great father and she wants D and me to have a relationship. We have agreed that nothing that happens will change the way we feel about her.
If I leave or am asked to leave, I'll have to go to my parents house. Its about 45 minutes away and would take me over an hour to get to work everyday. I gave up most of my "friends" when I gave up the drinking/bar scene, especially after my daughter was born. The last few years have been entirely committed to my family. This is another point of recent conflict. I "have no life" other than W and D. I agree now that I need to GAL, but thought total committment was the way to go at the time.
I will stop for now, but the question is do I stay in the house, or do I go? I should add that the current ultimatum from W is that if I tell my parents, then we are 100% over, with no chance of fixing "us". I would obviously have to tell them at some point. Also, our parents share watching D during the day, and there is no issue with that ending no matter what happens. They will continue to watch her.
If I stay, I will really need to focus on how I act and db.
I have a counseling session today. Been going since two days after BD end of April. Last week, W went with me for one session so my counselor could meet her. (She won't commit right now to MC because she's "not ready to commit to saving our marriage because she is madly in love with OM and doesn't want to leave him")
she told my counselor that she would have fallen in love and had the EA "even if our marriage was perfect". She told him OM is perfect for her.
Thanks for the replies. What's been amazing is her transformation over the past few weeks. Suddenly, everything in our relationship according to her has been negative. She says we moved too fast, that we got physical way too quickly, that she stayed with me all this time because she felt bad for me, etc. I know this is a result of her own fear and guilt, and she's justifying the A in her own mind.
I should lay out some details about our life that are important...
Before we met 9 years ago, a was in a life change mode. I was making bad choices, living above my means, running up debt, and not considering my future. I was out drinking, smoking, gambling, and headed down the wrong path. When we met, we met at a bar, singing karaoke. We are both very into singing, musical theater...anything performance related. She was still married to her first husband, and we in no way had any type of relationship other than seeing each other at the bar and singing. I didn't pursue anything until she told me one night that she was legally divorced and her husband was gone.
On our first official date, I told her everything out my life at that time. I revealed about my debt ($30,000) in credit card debt. It was probably the most honest, revealing first date anyone could have. We talked for hours about life, what we wanted, and how we could help each other through it. It was pretty amazing. Things went from there, and we had an amazing time, even though we were drunk half the time. When we fought, it was always after a night out singing and drinking. Nothing has EVER escalated to physical fights or even emotional abuse. But I quickly backed off drinking and reduced it to a more responsible level. I also have not gambled since before we met.
W makes more money than I do. We both have good jobs, and have solid, stable careers. She is very focused on saving, spending wisely, and debt reduction. Throughout our relationship and marriage, we have kept our finances separate, primarily at my insistence until my debt was gone. Admittedly, it took me awhile to get in the right frame of mind to commit to paying down my debt instead of just making minimum payments. Other than about $6,000 in recent medical bills from a kidney stone, all credit card debt is gone now. She did help me with paying down about half of the $30,000 in debt. This is a huge reason apparently that she strayed...she says she's tired of being my "meal ticket". I've never once considered it that way, and before the BD was ready to talk to her about turning all the finances over to her and letting her control the money. (Its what she wanted).
Also important is that I have a condo that I bought before we met. We live in a townhome that she bought after her divorce. I can't sell the condo, so I rent it out and the rent covers all but about $100 of the monthly expenses for the condo. My condo is entirely in my name, and where we live is entirely in her name.
I'm currently "sleeping" (more like staring at the ceiling) on the couch. I'm at a point now where I don't know if I should leave or stay.
My Daughter is my world, and I just want to be here for her. But staying is making it difficult to detach from W. I really have no specific "right" to be here, and I suppose W could kick me out at any time. But she says she wants me around because I'm a great father and she wants D and me to have a relationship. We have agreed that nothing that happens will change the way we feel about her.
If I leave or am asked to leave, I'll have to go to my parents house. Its about 45 minutes away and would take me over an hour to get to work everyday. I gave up most of my "friends" when I gave up the drinking/bar scene, especially after my daughter was born. The last few years have been entirely committed to my family. This is another point of recent conflict. I "have no life" other than W and D. I agree now that I need to GAL, but thought total committment was the way to go at the time.
I will stop for now, but the question is do I stay in the house, or do I go? I should add that the current ultimatum from W is that if I tell my parents, then we are 100% over, with no chance of fixing "us". I would obviously have to tell them at some point. Also, our parents share watching D during the day, and there is no issue with that ending no matter what happens. They will continue to watch her.
If I stay, I will really need to focus on how I act and db.
This is harsh. If I were you I'd check out the law where you live regarding property. For example, where I live it would not matter one bit if the house was fully in the WW's name. I still have a right to live there and if we sold she would still have to compensate me.
Second, this:
Quote:
I'm currently "sleeping" (more like staring at the ceiling) on the couch. I'm at a point now where I don't know if I should leave or stay.
Why are you sleeping on the couch? Don't make the same mistake I made. She is the one that wants to leave the M so she is the one that should be sleeping on the couch. Don't do this out of respect for her. She fired you as her H. Why should you suffer the consequences of her actions?
I also eventually moved out. But once I started coming here and reading up on other sitches I soon moved back in AND took back the MBR. She can't be attracted to you if she doesn't respect you and this is disrespectful.
Oh, and if you do take back the MBR which I seriously hope you do don't lift a finger to help her move out. You are no longer her H and are not available for acts of service.
Peace.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
