This is my first post on DR site although I've been reading and relying on it for almost a year.
My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he left last summer saying he wasn't happy. I believe he was in crisis for six months prior to that.
He works in DC and was commuting home, we have a place here in Chicago where we were both born and raised as were our 3 daughters. I was spending as much time as possible in DC.
Living separate was his excuse for wanting a change but it was years of job changes, disappointments and relocations that caught up with us.
And paying for colleges for our children. EA was discoverd in July, he filed for divorce in August. OW was discovered in August, turns out she lives in Seattle where we had lived for 3 years prior to DC, he met her online.
Apparently he wants to moves back to Seattle ( his company let him go so he and his pride ran away) and she is part of the puzzle he is trying to piece together.
She's been divorced twice, not attractive at all and seems unintelligent. Not sure of the attraction.
Fast forward to Jan when he dropped the divore suit and starting reaching out more. Not much but a noticeable difference. He came home in mid April for a memorial and we spent the weekend together, no intimacy just hugs and kisses and he told me he loved me.
We spent last weekend together as well ( both times we stayed in separate rooms) and again he seemed very normal and very much like my husband except a better version.
We golfed, had dinners together and hung out with family. He hugged me at one point and said 'we're ok' not sure what that means since I've heard very little from him this week.
Two text messages regarding a sick friend. So, is he reconnecting? OW seems to be gone although I don't know for sure.
He was spending a lot of time on Facebook late night which he's no longer doing. So crazy, I know.
I'm 53 and dealing with teenage stuff!! Thanks for listening- C
Last edited by Cadet; 05/16/1503:20 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, I read the book! And re read the book. I will keep posting
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
I am hoping to get some feedback about re connection. Do they disappear after making progress? How should my behavior be at this time? Should I go dark or keep in contact? He always responds and seems genuinely happy to hear from, but again no clue what's going on. No mention of divorce in months but no mention of reconciliation either. Just a noticeable difference in his bevavior towards me.
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
IMO, reconnecting is not a fast process when there has been a third party involved. Based on just your first post, it does sound as if he could be in MLC. If that is the case, then it may be quite a while before he levels out and knows for certain what he wants.
It seems that he is responding to short periods of time together, and it may have a lot to do with OW being absent. If I were in your shoes, I would not rush him to move back home. Whose idea was it to go to MC? What has been his attitude during counseling sessions? Has he shown remorse for his betrayal?
Again, it's JMHO, but the MC should be focusing on helping you heal after his affair, instead of pushing to get him to move home. You need to have most of the issues resolved before trying to live together, or it will be too stressful for him and he will flee again. It is not easy to stay under one roof when wounds have not healed. I would continue taking it slowly and see how he progresses. When you are having doubts about him moving back home, it could be for a reason.
When he has come through his crisis, and he's ready to reconnect, I believe he will put forth the effort to show you that is his greatest desire. However, if he seems to hold out, have doubts, or questions.......he's not completely ready. He may need more time to get there. Don't push him or apply emotional pressure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sis, It doesn't sound like your h is completely out of the woods yet. They do tend to distance themselves from the spouse if they've gotten too close for their own comfort. As for the ow, the jury is still out on that one. They could have had a disagreement, therefore he was being a bit more friendlier to you, etc.
Do what works and if you aren't sure what to do, then sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap. What should your behavior be at this time? Why, just be yourself. If you are friendly towards him, continue to be that way. Treat him as you would a neighbor who comes calling for a cup a of sugar. Keep your expectations at zero or one and don't expect him to do things that he normally would have done pre-ow.
He's truly not thinking about a divorce at the moment, but I you begin to question/challenge him about what's going on or have relationship discussions, the word "divorce" will crop up again. He's content w/the way things are for now. I would suggest that you continue to observe his behavior and truly listen to what he has to say because they do tend to tell on themselves...but you have to listen and sift through the words to get the answers.
Reconnection? I don't think so. I think he's just a very slow one that is taking his time in figuring things out for himself. At least that's what I am getting from your first posting. You'll have to share a bit more of what's going on in order for us to provide additional and/or better advice.
For now, keep the focus on you as much as you can and continue as you have been...because something you are doing is working if he's not screaming for a divorce.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am a reformed badass MLCer, and I sense that your H is going through MLC. I'd suggest that you take your thread over to the MLC forum where you will get support of people of similar situations.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you are here. But you are at a great place for some info. Not that I am the master know all of MLC ... I do think I fell into the trap of finding the stages, plotting my W's course and trying to figure out when she was out of one tunnel and into the next ... all wasted energy on my part looking back, did not help me detach nor focus all that wasted energy on myself like I should have done.... I did do alot of self work .. but that would have been more honestly.
I read somewhere to never trust the touch n go's that were withing the 2yr time period of BD, the closer to BD the more untrusting you should be, I like you went through a few of these.... no OM and she would touch base, fix things with OM and back off she would go. Its extremely dishearteing and frustrating ... a few reasons they do this ... basically making sure you are right where they left you.
Just given the time line ... I would guess more a touch n go than a Reconnection, it takes alot of time for them to process things if its truly MLC.
Thank you all for your feedback. I sat back, did nothing and he reached out to me this evening. Just texting for a bit, he sent a funny pic that reminded him of something I did. Sure feels nice when you wait and let them contact you. This has been the pattern with him for the last couple of months. Time will tell. We are not in MC, individual conuseling and I credit his therapist ( an older woman who is anti divorce ) for helping him see clearly on that. I don't have to worry about him moving home and leaving again since he works and lives in DC. If things progress I would be spending time there. We were bouncing back between two homes. Now I'm going to figure out how to move my thread over to the MLC forum
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
