Although I am a newcomer to the group, I am posting here first because SSM literally turned on a light for me. My H and I have been married 8 years and I have been low desire since day one. As all of you know, because of this, we have had so many fights and problems. 8 years have passed with the two of us chasing our tails.
Two weeks ago, my H went online looking for you-know-what. I caught him, this was the second time in our marriage he has gone to chat rooms because of my low desire. For the first time we talked about divorce. I thought that 2 weeks ago I was going to be a single mom.
I came across this sight looking for ways to find a good marriage couselor. I'm leary about counseling because I went for my low desire before and obviously it did nothing. I read some posts and chapter one of SSM. I could not believe how deeply the first paragraph of that book affected me. I went and bought SSM and read all afternoon.
I saw a post that said a light just turned on for them. That is exactly how I feel. In 8 years of marriage, I just never go it. I know I have a problem but I have been focused on the why of it instead of doing something to fix it.
I believe in this book so much that I want to go and sell it door to door. My husband and I have since made love. Something that hasn't happened in years. I felt butterflies. And everyday that we are working on our goals together and just talking I think, I love this man.
Michele, thank you so much for writing this book it has saved my marriage. It has opened my eyes and my husbands to a point of no return. With all my heart I am thankful and I hope that this book does the same for all of you!
I feel you have an extremely lucky husband who has a wife that has a desire to increase her sex drive - that is a true indication that you must deeply love your husband - I am very envious!!! Even though you were the low sex drive spouse, did you always have the desire to increase your sex drive? The reason I ask, is that I don't believe my w has any desire to have any form of sex drive. She believes I should abandon my sex drive and that would solve my problem (ie my problem is I have a sex drive) - she doesn't have a problem.
Do you have any suggestions for assisting the low sex drive spouse in establishing a desire to want to change?
Lis, All I can say is, "WOW!!!" You are the reason I write books and create a web site like this. I am so, so delighted to read about the "light that went off for you." Delighted isn't exactly right, ecstatic is better. This is so great. You are brave enough to look inside and take personal responsibility for change. That's wonderful. Now you guys have to keep it up. Pun intended.
I would love to take you up on your offer to sell the book door to door. Just let me know when you're ready to begin. You'd be great at it. You're living proof about it's possibilities.
So thank you for your touching feedback. You've made my day. Michele
Do you have any suggestions for assisting the low sex drive spouse in establishing a desire to want to change?
lowrob,
I don't think I always wanted to change. In the beginning of our marriage I told my husband he was the one with the problem. It was probably a few years ago that I thought I might have a problem. Did I want help? Really only when we had fights about my low desire did I want to make a change. Then a couple days would go by and I just couldn't bring myself to initiate or be affectionate. I chaulked everything up to growing up in a verbally abusive house.
So I'm sitting here trying to think of what it was that made me want to change. I think it was the simple fact that I love my H and I want to be with him forever. Let me tell you that nothing, absolutly nothing, not any book, talk show or article has ever impacted me like SSM.
I have wanted to change my low desire for several years but, never accomplished crap! H never made any changes either so the vicious circle went on.
When my husband told me he wanted a divorce last week it was the first time I thought I HAVE to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. He said he wanted a divorce because he felt I didn't love him. He also was looking at porn and chat rooms online and actually called a chat skank on the phone. He lied to me about all this and thought how could I forgive him, he thought I would leave.
But, I didn't. This is the second time he looked elsewhere. The difference is that this time I found SSM. Your w needs to read that book. Maybe Michele should make a subliminal tape of the book that way spouses who refuse to read can at least "hear" the messages.
Here's the most important thing that happened to me when I read the book: I actually heard what the high desire spouse is feeling when I reject him. My H and I are very open and talk alot. He tells me all the time that when I say no every single night, he thinks I don't love him, that he's not attractive etc... I deny these things because they simply aren't true. He doesn't believe me. You know the story. When I read the feelings of the high desire spouse in the book, I was sort of removed from the picture. The high desire wasn't my spouse. I couldn't jump to my defense because it was just words on paper. The stories in that book helped me to really let my H feelings sink in.
Now I know what I have been doing to my H for the past 8 years. I am truly sorry for the way I made him feel. I wish this book came out 8 years ago but, then again, I probably wouldn't have bought it because I was in denial. The first step is admitting the problem.
I don't think you w needs to admit she has a problem, just that there is a problem. And there is an obvious problem, you feel like your missing something is your marriage. That's a problem in my book!
When I finished SSM, I told my H that my heart went out to all the high desire people who had a low desire at home thinking that there are no problems.
This book has changed my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think "maybe I'll read a book and get my desire back". But I did and it did. It's only been a week, but I know things are different.
Every time I "tried" to fix my problem before it only lasted a day or two so I think this time is for real. I will always be happy to give you my two cents just hit me with your questions.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your wife. Just know that it is possible for things to turn around. One day her eyes will open just like mine did. Get her to open that book!
Your story is inspiring. I'm so tempted to print out your reply to lowrob and ask my wife to just read it. I'm pretty sure that she could identify with you, which might motivate her to read SSM. But based on experience I'm afraid that doing so would just make her mad and set us back even more. It seems like even if she knows that something might help our relationship, she'll refuse to do it simply because I've asked her to. Were you like that at one time?
Slightly over 3 months ago I read the first chapter of SSM online. It described the situation in my marriage so well that I ran out and bought the book the next day and finished reading it within two days - and I seldom read books. I asked my wife (who reads frequently) to read it 3 months ago and as far as I know she's never even opened it. I don't know what else to do. Like you used to, I think she sees our situation as being strictly my problem so she's not about to go to any effort to make things better. It's obvious that she either has no concept of the pain and loneliness that I've been going through or else she just doesn't care. Like lowrob, I'm always looking for ways to get through to her, but I've nearly lost hope for any magic solution. Short of asking for a divorce (which I don't plan to do) I don't think it really matters what I do, she's not going to change until she decides for herself that she wants to.
Enough rambling I suppose. Thank you for posting your story.
Thank you for your post in response to my question on the desire to want to have a sex life. It appears that my w is similar to Sooner's in that there is an extreme reluctance to want to consider the possibility of wanting to try to regain desire. Perhaps like you, she would like to change but there is no strong reason in her mind to make it happen.
Clearly my approach has been all wrong in bringing up the subject of no desire with her. As a woman who was in that situation, can you describe how exactly I could start into a meaningful conversation without being lambasted for "being insensitive", "only wanting one thing" etc etc? (I have tried the route of "lets work on this together" and "no one is to blame lets discuss how we can work on our relationship, in spiritual and physical terms". The problem is, I can't quite finish the sentence before I am attacked for having any thoughts along this line and receive the silent treatment for weeks or months on end. So I leave the subject for six months or a year, try again and the circle goes round. I have also tried to subtly point out articles in the newspaper (such as interviews with Michele) but she scornes these as pop psychology that don't have any relevance in the real world.
Based on what you have said, the motivation to truly consider the possibility of change appears to be the threat by your husband that he was going to divorce you. Did I understand that correctly? I have considered this approach, but have rejected it up until now as I really don't like the idea of threating my wife, but after 5 years of total rejection, I feel that I need some degree of warmth and understanding. Perhaps I have to go to this extent and hope for the best, but it really goes against my grain.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on and on - I found your response extremely valuable and there appears to be the possibly of hope at some time.
In our case, I have the higher drive (wife) while my husband has the lower drive. We were together for almost 4 years before getting married a year ago. This is been a problem from the beginning. Right before we got married I found internet porn pictures in his computer case RIGHT NEXT TO OUR BED...we're talking hundreds of printouts. These were not extreme pictures of gorgeous, well-endowed women. They were nothing more than he could have every day (me).
He has pretty much no interest in sex at all and only participates to keep the peace. I cried when I read SSM because it perfectly described everything I have been feeling. He promised to read the book also (like your wife did) but has only made it through the first 20 or so pages. I really wish he cared enough to make the effort
Hey lowrob, you seem to have the same thing happening as I do. I have done everything, ead all kinds of research. I feel like I understand my wife's position as the low drive person completely. I also understand my position much better now too. Unfortunately, my wife and I are on the brink of divorce. The only thing that can save us (and you most likely) is her being willing to "step up to the plate" and take an active role in making improvements. Personally, I am through with the seemingly endless hours of therapy and the discussions. The only thing that speaks to me now is action...and by action I mean she needs to be taking the lead on resolving this problem. I am through with it.
Sorry about this. I just re-read it and it sounds a lot like a rant.
Thanks for your input - by the way what kind of name is that?
I recently got back from a one week 25th anniversary celebration cruise - all very romantic and lovely. Spent loads of time with wife, lots of attention, lavished her with expensive gifts etc. During the one week celebration, wife felt obliged to perform wifely duty for the first time in the past 6 months - (and this was truly a tremendously arduous and tedius chore as she stared at the ceiling for 5 minutes as she demanded I finish very quickly). Anyway, after describing what an incensitive beast I was to want to have sex with her, she is hardly talking to me. I guess I have learned my lesson - don't ever be hopeful that I will have any sex life ever again. She has indicated that there is no compromise of any kind - she will not consider any kind of sex life, ever.
I suppose I either give up (although I don't know how to turn off sex drive entirely forever) or move on in the relationship. Pretty much confirming what you have to say.
Do any other low sex drive spouses have any other solutions?
You'd be great at it. You're living proof about it's possibilities.
