NoleGrl (2) Moving Forward

[NoleGrl]

Old thread was about to lock so here is #2

Link to prior thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2533703#Post2533703

[NoleGrl]

Moving Zues' last post over here:

Nole,

I've got a few things for you.

1. Hmm. I don't really give forum hugs. I don't know why. Maybe I'm a little shy. Or maybe it's because I'm married and don't like virtual hugging other women. But what the heck.

((((HUGS))))

Is that how it's done?

Thank you!

Hang in there.

2. Your H may or may not have OW, I know most people jump to that conclusion because approximately 137.2% of WAS's do But really, we don't know that.

I do know, one of my friends saw them out on a date a couple weeks ago, although he denied it when I confronted him.

The whole thing about him being so confident this is what he wants...let me tell you. He's only fooling himself. He has no clue what he wants. He's confused, he's in pain, he's desperate. So what does he do? He sets a few goals and tells himself when he does A/B/C it will all be better. I don't want to get you started on mindreading, but hypothetically he could say to himself "Boy, I'm so sad and in so much pain. I can't stand it! I know. Once the D is final, our stuff is split, then this will all be behind me, I won't hurt so much, I can meet someone new, and I'll be happy again!"

JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS HIMSELF THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.

Have you ever thought something would make you happy, then found out you were still basically the same? I think there's a saying for that: Wherever you go, there you are.

3. So what does this mean to you? How will it play out?

I don't have a crystal ball, but he's on his own journey. Maybe he has a moment of clarity and changes his mind. DR say this doesn't happen often, and if so you take it super slow.

But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes. He might have to achieve his goals, realize they don't make him happy, watch those new dreams die...and then start to realize the costs of his decisions. This could mean him finalizing the D, rebounding in a 12-18 month R, then after the magic fades and things crash and burn, he might walk away and realize the role he played, what he lost, and wonder if it's too late to fix things with you.

Or...he might move on, find someone else, and learn the skills to be a good H after he's already established a new life. This idea haunted me for a long time. If he's going to leave, at least be a dud so we can feel like we didn't lose anything. Don't let him be the guy that turns into a stud right after the door is closed!

BUT IN ALL OF THESE CASES: You have to let him go on his journey. You really do. He is gone. He might never return.

I've kept holding on to a little grain of hope that he would wake up prior to it getting this far, but I am fairly certain that he is not going to return.

All you can do is focus on becoming the best woman you can be, standing by your values, and finding ways to detach and GAL. Then, after all the dust settles, you are healthy and whole, and you have gotten through your grieving...you can look back to see where he's at, and whether you want to continue to stand, or if you're ready to move on.

So the bad news is that there is nothing you can do to avoid the FULL grieving process for your M. It is dead. And if the opportunity to R ever came up, it wouldn't be with you and your H, it would be with the person you become down the road with the person he has become down the road.

I tell you this because I want you to realize the importance of focusing on you, GAL, detachment, and selfcare. The more you can do to stop depending on someone that won't meet your needs the better.

I know these words are so hard to hear. So I will give you one more (((hug))) and tell you that if we got through this, you will too. But remember, I admire your love for your H. It's just time to pack it away for a while.

Hoping to see some posts just about you, your growth, your GAL in the near future!

Thank you Zues. Time to start moving forward.

[pilot]

I've kept holding on to a little grain of hope that he would wake up prior to it getting this far, but I am fairly certain that he is not going to return.

One thing I heard when I first got here was never underestimate the amount of time this could take. Looking back I wish I really understood what that meant. I was also looking for a quick fix or held on to the hope that she would just 'wake up'. But after living my sitch and reading the others, it rarely happens that way. Keep up the good work on yourself.

[Zues126]

Bumping for a nolegrl update. How's it going today?

[JellyB]

Hi Nole, I just wanted to stop by and say I was thinking about you,, I see lots of awesome people have been posting, providng their support and guidance. I don't have much to offer, but a few kind wishes sent out throught cyper space. Hope you get them. XxxJB

[NoleGrl]

Thank you pilot, Zues and JB.

Not too much to report. We still do not agree on the timing of the appraisal for the house and the percentage of the split and he is being a jerk about it. Bombarded me with texts all afternoon yesterday about how it was "non-negotiable" for him, his offer is fair and I should just agree. I just told him that we will wait and see what the appraisal says and go from there and stopped responding to him. This morning he texted me "good morning" and then when I didn't respond asked if I was ignoring him and then started in on me again to accept his "proposal". I'm pretty sure I hate him at this point.

Went to see my C last night and that helped. The sadness is being overcome by disgust at the way he is acting. The man I married is long gone and some jerk has taken his place.

[NoleGrl]

We are about to split our phone plan, so I was printing the old phone records in case I may need them in the future since I won't have access after tomorrow. I noticed that there was a number that was appearing on the bills multiple times a day, with 30-60 minutes calls mostly occurring later in the evening at like 10-11 at night. Called the number and it is a woman that he calls on for one of his work accounts. Pretty sure that they are not talking about work for an hour at 10:30 p.m.... Possible OW2?

This just keeps getting better and better.

[Vanilla]

Nole

H agrees with himself on what is fair. It's numbers, detach from the emotion of it.

Concentrate on the principles.

When negotiators are this keen to force their views as right, my spider sense kicks in. There is something yet to know about H fins.

V

[Vanilla]

We are about to split our phone plan, so I was printing the old phone records in case I may need them in the future since I won't have access after tomorrow. I noticed that there was a number that was appearing on the bills multiple times a day, with 30-60 minutes calls mostly occurring later in the evening at like 10-11 at night. Called the number and it is a woman that he calls on for one of his work accounts. Pretty sure that they are not talking about work for an hour at 10:30 p.m.... Possible OW2?

This just keeps getting better and better.

Most likely a backup a POW, (potential) that is in the grooming stage.

V

[NoleGrl]

When negotiators are this keen to force their views as right, my spider sense kicks in. There is something yet to know about H fins.

It's always a possibility, but I was the one that handled all the finances so I pretty much know where everything is. He's a part of the "entitlement" generation and I think he has in his mind what is fair (confirmed by his parents/brother) and thinks he deserves it. I also told him that if we couldn't agree and were going to have to get lawyers I would subpoena his text and fb messages to prove his affair. He probably doesn't want to go that route and have anyone think he is the bad guy.