Toot Toot - here I come!

[Sotto]

Hi RD, thanks for your comments. Yes I think the important thing for me just now is to get settled into my job and the new routine, have a full life and keep moving forward. I may just leave H to initiate (or not) just now and see how I feel in a little while..

Sometimes I feel some hope for our sitch and sometimes I feel pretty hopeless. But equally I'm not ready to just move on myself, you know? But then I don't know how we could ever reconcile either. And then H doesn't seem to want to anyway. I think he's now just searching for a new mate with whom to start a family. And I can't really compete with that. But then I think he still loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. Why would he D me? But then it's best not to believe what he says. etc....as you can see, it goes around in my head more than I would like still.

So, I am moving forward and my life is pretty full. I'm reasonably happy with 'my side of the street', but there's always room for more progress. I've just had a good couple of days at work. And today I had to step up to the plate and think on my feet and it all went well. In a way - although I've been doing work for them for a while - it feels like I imagine returning from maternity leave feels. You already know people pretty well, but you just need to settle back in and so on.

Hope you guys all had a good day xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots Sometkmes I wish I could talk to people instead of reading a post because my impression. Is that you are a wee bit down I'm proberbly wrong but I shall continue with my post ! ! I feel positive for you because your H ( like others ) seems to be looking for something. / someone to bring him happiness

You are standing and that really positive. If in doubt , do nothing, wait and see what happens

H will have to come out of the chesseless tunnel o me day and when he does he will be a lucky man if Toots is still waiting

Glad work is going well. Take care. Rd

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

I'm glad you had a good couple of days in the office. sounds like the new job is going well

Its virtually impossible to compete with complete fantasy but your side of the street is looking pretty darn good so enjoy it so if your H ever does realise he's chasing a fantasy, then he is going to pretty quickly know where he should have been all along.

In the meantime keep being marvellous

[Pink17]

Hi Beautiful Toots,

Finally caught up with your posts. And it makes me think about everyone says the MCLers will do at least time to time.

H already notice that you are moving forward. That you are not being miserable and falling apart. He may even know about all what you have been doing and it does not please him at the moment.

In my opinion, attacking the only issue that you can't resolve is a sign that he wants to still blame you for his unhappiness. Your H is not just dreaming, he is a big denial and it's easier for him to point fingers on somebody else right now.

It may in some bizarre way take the blame from himself as he feels guilty for not being a good father or a good husband. I do not see that he still wants to build a happy family as he says, but exactly the opposite, he knows what he had. He feels that at his age he already tried twice and fail to build what he most want.

If he is an MLCer then while in this fog, he will obviously blame someone else for his mistakes and insecurities. And nothing more logical for him, then blame you for his misery.

The fact that he takes the time to write a long letter, saying that you can't fulfill his life, but yet he still loves you, thinks you are a beautiful woman is because he is such turmoil and still not very sure if he wants to let go or face his issues.

It's very sad to see someone we love in such despair. You are doing what you need to do for Toots to be happy and move forward. It's a hard road to follow, because our feelings betray us almost every day. I agree that in your case you may just wait and see what he will do. There is still hope, because you can read in his letter how much pain is still inside this man.

He may think that life will be better without Toots, but he needs to deal with reality every day and the world is not any fantasy, it will hit you hard all the time. So, the best thing for him is to feel sorry for himself and blame others, blame Toots.

I also see that he respects you, even when he is trying to make you feel bad. This man is hurting, who knows if he wrote this letter after some drinks or so. That's what this MLCers do, they are hurting and they go deep into despair. They do crazy stuff.

Hang in there Toots, this journey is not done yet, and I think there is a lot to come. Your H is chasing ghosts right now, dealing with his demons and it looks like not a much fun.

I read that sometimes the MLCers will need to fall very deep inside a big hole before they come back from their fog. So, who knows how much more needs to happen until he wakes up?

Your new job may be the best thing that happen right now, it will keep you busy and give you some financial security that can allow you to wait for H to deal with his pain.

I am so amazed with all the things you are doing every day. You are marvelous, a strong and human Toots. We love you and hope for all the best in your life.

XOXO
Pink

[Dawn70]

Just popping in to say hi and thanks for posting on my thread. I so enjoy reading your comments and your posts, as I find them very uplifting. Your positive thoughts help me more than you will ever know.

Hoping your new job is going well. Sounds like things are going your way.

[rd500]

Lovely post Pink.

[Sotto]

Thanks RD and Jim. Yes it feels right to just be doing what I am right now - and keep working towards 'marvellous.' I still have a sense of 'waiting' for D papers to arrive, or for that email telling me he has filed for D. Equally, I will survive that, and it will at least mean I'll be more settled financially. Equally, I know that people in MLC are known to throw the D word around, but not actually initiate, so we'll see. But thank you for your kind words both of you.

Dawn - thanks for your kind comments too. I'm so glad you find my posts uplifting. I read your update earlier today and thought I would love to visit Dawn, see her new curtains and bird feeder, take Molly for a walk. What a lovely day that would be.

Pink, bless you for taking the time to catch up on me and post your insights. Your post really helped me today. You may well be right about the 'family as justification' theme. Although I truly think H feels broody, and I respect that. Although 'new family' may come with all kinds of brutal realities that H isn't seeing right now. We all know it's by no means easy to start a third marriage in your late 40s, have more kids with your own child and possibly others in the mix. Not a picnic by any means.

You are probably right that there may be more to come. And that may well be the case for both of our sitches. I don't think either of our H's are facing things right now. More running from them, and who knows if and when that might change. It's hard to imagine things getting worse, but they may well. I think if H got someone else pregnant, that would be a deal breaker for me and I would let go and walk away at that point. I do feel I need to give this a year, and if I have given it a year, I may well feel that is enough and start moving on. Equally I may feel happy to carry on as I am. We'll just have to see.

My calendar has got so busy lately that I've started getting double booked. I had to sit down today and sort out what I'm doing in the next few weeks, just to stay on track. I also had a dental appt and need root canal work - 2x1hr appts - ugh. Also, my dad is pretty stressed out just now as Mum's mobility has worsened and he needs a new car due to this. I think I'll need to step in and help more there. I went up for a couple of hours today, so Dad could have a nap, as they'd had a poor night. Then I had yoga this evening.

So, I'm doing fine, and your posts helped me a lot today. Thanks so much to you all xx

[Vanilla]

Your H really doesn't seem to have made the ultimate decision. There comes a point where Toots is so wonderful that he will find his choices so very difficult to make.

Bridges are not burned or crossed yet Toots. Hold onto Toots.

Love you babe.....

V

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I can almost copy and paste our comments back and fourth about our crazy Hs. We can just do so much regarding their ups and downs!

My IC asked me how am I doing lately and I said that it is pretty much one day at a time. Some I feel really sad, depressed, down on myself and my life. But, some others I feel really positive, hopeful and happy.

It's indeed a crazy journey we are in and learning how to navigate in it.

Hope you are having a good day sweet.

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks V and Pink. Yes I agree our journey isn't over and that H still seems somewhat conflicted. TBH, I still expect D papers may arrive in the mail box. Equally nothing may happen. I read some of the MLC welcome threads last night, and some stuff in those resonated with me.

One of them was about MLCers keeping things we give them. A tiny strand of a link to us which they don't want to let go of. My H has kept one or two things from me, which surprised me as I have been erased in other ways. Another was the big difference between a WAS and a MLCer. WAS check out of the M and resolutely move for D. The big trademark of MLCers is confusion. I feel more and more that my H may be in MLC. Pink, you may find it useful to read those threads too maybe...I also saw an ebook called detach and survive which people seemed to rate well. I may get that one too..

As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I worked yesterday and I'm at the bookstore this morning, then having coffee with a lady from my social group this pm....Take care lovely DBers xxxx