Not sure if this section is appropriate or not but here goes. I found this site some 10 months ago when my wife and I first seperated. It was really hard for me to cope with but in time it became easier. We've remained very good friends in the hope that one day we could come back together as a family and in fact have begun seeing each other in the last few months.
About 2 weeks ago I did a bad thing. I had become suspicious of some things she had said and was spending the afternoon at her apartment and went snooping. I found her diary and in it found that she had a one night stand some 6 months prior and a near miss with a close friend just days before. Remorse was apparent in her wrting to herself but the pain for me was still very intense.
I was obviously very upset, as we had promised each other that the reason for our seperation was to try to come back at some point and give it another go. On those grounds we promised not to date and see other people. I imediately said I wanted a divorce. I could not try to work things out with a person who could do that. She begged and pleaded with me not to make this decision. She didn't want our marriage to end like this. She didn't want a divorce.
I spent many heart wrenching nights being angry, crying, but never getting past the fact that I LOVE this woman. I talked with her about this and said I do love you and want to give us a chance. It still hurts. Heck it's only been 2 weeks but I'm doing ok with it. We even went on our first date in 10 months last Friday. However I do sense hesitation in her. She's not ready to jump back in. Well, neither am I. But I'm afraid that she's not really as commited to this as I am. She tells me she loves me. Sent me a card saying that she wants me in her life as her husband, but admits that she still has things to think about before she can say that she wants to come back. Which I can understand, as we had problems that caused us to seperated to begin with. I think the hesitation is actually harder than dealing with the infidelity. Here I was thinking that once I made the decision to try to make things work, to put the past behind us and move forward, she would be as happy as I am. But instead she's saying that my feelings seem to have come on too strong and too quick and have surprised her.
She does call me at least once a day to talk. Not always about us but just to chat. She does tell me that she loves me, which is obviously a very good sign. I bought her flowers yesterday and when asked why I said because it Tuesday and I love you. She really likes that. I feel we're on the right track as long as I cool my jets a bit and take things slow. But how do I read what she's says. Should I just go with it as long as we are communicating and seeing each other I would assume we are moving towards a goal. I want to continure to move forward with our hopes of making our marrige work. I a little scared that I may come off as too pushy or trying to make it go too fast. Any advice in that reguards would really be appreciated. I know that this will be a long hard road for us both and I want to do everything I can to help up make the right turns.
Now another problem arises today. It's a custody issue between her and her ex. She needs an attorney, and of course money for the attorney. She asked if she could borrow 1000 for part of the retainer. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that at this point in our relationship. I told her this and she understands. I did tell her that we would talk about it though. Is this a bad idea. If we don't work things out and she doesn't pay me back for some reason I'll feel like an idiot. However, I do love her and she seems very genuine in her desire to try to make out marriage work. Is helping her with this money a good faith effort on my part to show her that I trust her? Geez why can life never be easy!?!
Hi, sorry that you're going through this. Just wanted to give my opinion.
It sounds like your W is confused right now, she needs a bit of space and some time. It's a great sign that she expresses her love for you! Have you read DR? Maybe she is waiting for you to make some changes? (since I don't know what got you to this point, I can't really give my opinion on that).
I think that you should lend her the money. If it works out between you then you wouldn't worry about the money, right? If it doesn't, then take it out of her portion of your settlement if she doesn't pay you back.
Dean O Welcome. You're among friends here, even though for all of us, the situaiton is rough.
Listen, it'd be nice if a couple could move forward, with no tussles from the past. That committment comes naturally. But as you're realizing, that's not the case.
For what its worth, how about looking at your situation as dating her all over again. In other words, treat her with respect. Respect her space, give her time to work things out in her own mind. Develop TRUST, and give each other time to grow.
Love is patient, and that's what many of us have to find out. So be patient..."date" her as if you're starting all over again, and work to bring your emotions under control. Work on stablizing yourself.
Thanks to you both. I'm on my way to Barnes and Noble this afternoon to pick a copy of the book up. I should have done so months ago, but I let myself settle into a routine of being her friend and not worrying about where our marriage was going. I do really have to keep my feelings in check and I feel that will be the hardest part of this. At least she tells me she loves me and doesn't feel incomfortable having me do the same. In fact we are taking the kids to a movie together tonight.
I think you're right about dating. That's what we needed from the start. When we came together as a couple I had 2 children and she had one. We never really made the opportunity to date each other. It was just instant family. Now is my chance to really get to know her as I should have done 7 years ago.
Dean O - you sound like you're on the right track for the most part. Do want the people here are telling you, go slowly. You are in a great spot ahead of a lot of us around here, she likes spending time with you and is saying ILY and those are great positives.
Quote: Now is my chance to really get to know her as I should have done 7 years ago.
Yes, yes and yes. Also, be sure to read "Divorce Remedies" as soon as possible and also, while you're at it, you might want to pick up the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This, in my opinion, is a must read.
DeanO - I agree with what Teach and Jeannie are saying. Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" is a very good read. And helping out with W's retainer fee is a sign of support for her.
Welcome to our world!! SLOWLY...and PATIENCE are two words that have a lot of meaning here...my h and I are sep 7 mos..m24yrs..if they need the space and time give it to them..there can't be a time frame put on piecing a m back.
Read all you can..come here and read some of the great advice that is offered...realize that any changes you need to make are forever, not just to get your w back...it can become so easy to fall back to old habits that we have all strived to change about ourselves.
Thanks for all the support! I picked up a copy of DB tonight but they didn't have DR in stock so I'll have to get that one later. I'll check out that other book as well.
The patience thing will definitely be hard for me since we are able to be so close now. It makes me want her back that much faster. But I realize that it took us 7 years to get to this point and putting a time frame on it will only make matters worse. I'll keep showing my love and support while trying my best not to be overwhelming.
I see by my regiater date that I found this place about a year ago. if only I hadn't sat on my tail for the last year. Who knows what kind of hurt and pain I could have saved myself. I've always believed that anything worth having is worth working for. I guess this will be the truest test of that I've ever faced.
