All, I want to start a new thread that isn't about my sitch, but can be about the commonalities I see with so many of us here, the stuff in my little heart of hearts I'm trying to address, and where you can share maybe some of your best insights gained from your experience.
1. MWD never says this in her book I don't think, but look at all of us LBS - how many of us can say we were controlling, critical, judgmental, 'strong' perfectionistic personalities? These are not qualities someone would have to be a fool to not want to endure. During BD, I started realizing some of this inside me came from fear, feelings of inadequacy in me I was transferring.
For those that have made a good lasting change - not just recognizing it and changing behavior, but changing the core of you to something more kind and less fearful - how? Where did you start and how did you sustain?
2. Others, we speak about a sense of co-dependency, fixer natures. All I can say is, normal and well adjusted guys never got their hooks into my head and heart like the ones who were slightly 'off' or seemed special, deep (read strange perhaps), capable of understanding the hurt of an abusive childhood, or who seemed to adore/need me. What IS that?
I fear that I will have trouble feeling attracted to someone who is balanced and offers what I would like in my life.
3. Is my idea of happiness real? Normal? I know I am happy when I feel like I am creating, teaching, accomplishing. Without something to be proud of, someone else's performance to be excited over, or the next goal to anticipate...I can't say I don't feel incredibly hollow. I love my pets, eating out, and being with friends and family...but...is happiness a need for that kind of movement and accomplishment actually happiness? What is happiness to you, does it stay with you no matter what you are doing?
4.. I have wondered lately if I actually know how to love. Maybe it is the trauma of all of this, and being weak emotionally, but I feel like I just consume love, I wonder how much I actually give to those in my life. My closest friends and family, I feel like they have poured their caring words into me, but I can't seem to hold onto them. It is like there is a hole where it all runs out within minutes.
I don't know if I am good at filling them up. I know I can be entertaining and a good listener. But I listen with my head and not my heart, empathy is a weak muscle, but I do feel it, thinking is such a stronger mode than feeling.
Can anyone relate? I mean, many of our S left us because they didn't feel we were present in some way. How have you been able to develop this feeling side of yourselves, the side that connects to people well?
5. Jealousy. I never identified myself as a jealous person in the past. I once had a very stable long term somewhat 'open' R with someone. I have become intensely jealous, I would say with some reason, but I feel it extending to place it shouldn't now. Feeling excluded, less-than, not good enough, it is a raging hole in my heart right now. I never used to have this insecurity and can't figure out how to get rid of it now.
I take responsibility for being difficult and hard to live with sometimes. I don't take responsibility for my H giving up on me and acting so hatefully in the end. I just want to be well equipped to live my life joyfully and celebrate old age with a spouse and family. I'm sure a lot of us do, so hoping for some wise words on these themes that I can reflect on for a week or two.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Z, you have nailed it. I see virtually all of that in me. I see it in lots of others here too, and at work and in my brothers. Thank you! I will post some thoughts later...have a kids party to get ready for.
TB: No more Mr. Nice guy. I found that control was all about anxiety. It put me on a path of recovery including some incredible insights into my past. You have to start the chain of questions that leads to more questions until you finally get to the root (s) of the control. Your chain may be different, but one sample could be as follows.
Critical and judgmental causing lack of respect  Control tendencies  Anxiety is the root of control, why so anxious?  Anxious because I don’t want to be abandoned, protect myself.  Why don’t I want to be abandoned  Because I can’t get my needs fulfilled  Why can’t I myself fulfill my needs? 
You have to work hard to a point where you let go of that and you become elated because it’s now a new start for you. 2. TB: See above.
TB: So, you’re life is not complete without a man? You can’t live without one. You are incomplete right? Is that it? Really? Take this time, get on a path. Discover who you are and what wounds in your life need to be addressed.
3.
TB: My version of happiness is not yours. Let me put it another way, the things that make you happy you are now questioning? Time for that hard look in the mirror. Get help. No one can self reflect without outside help. You can’t do it all in your head, which many men try to do and it’s a mistake
4..
TB: I could tell you that this traumatic experience in your life is questioning everything you know about yourself. All I can tell you is that you need to expose what deep hurts are in your life. If you ultimately have abandonment issues, taking empathy courses will not fill that hole. Get to the root! It’s going to be hard because your defensive mechanisms have hidden them deep and thrown up false walls.
5. TB: It’s not about your H anymore Zelda. It’s about you. Think about this, it will be an investment in yourself and will reap benefits for the rest of your life.
Z, have you read any stuff by Brene Brown, or seen her two TED talks? She sprang to mind when reading your post above. I have found her stuff really helpful...
T :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I take responsibility for being difficult and hard to live with sometimes. I don't take responsibility for my H giving up on me and acting so hatefully in the end. I just want to be well equipped to live my life joyfully and celebrate old age with a spouse and family. I'm sure a lot of us do, so hoping for some wise words on these themes that I can reflect on for a week or two.
Hello Zelda,
What a great idea to start a thread about the commonalities you see with so many of us here. I see a lot of me in your post. I also don't take responsibility for my W giving up on me and our M. She acts stone-cold, that is not the woman I fell in love with and married. Of course, she would say I am not the man she fell in love with and married.
I want to give this some thought and get back to you.
Again, what a great idea!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
