Help for Newbie

[Badger1]

TenBook,

Yes she has had therapy off and on for 20+ years. Some with me and some without.

The last time we reconciled she told me that she had fully vetted this issue, or at least that it wouldn't impact us.

I can't force her to get more therapy, so basically I still follow the same rules, GAL and don't pursue.

[Badger1]

So, the W came home after some meetings last night and said she had a bad day at work. I listened, validated, etc. Then she started talking about how the past 3 1/2 months have been so tough on her that her work has suffered (in my head I was like "really!!! no kidding.)

Then, I followed GAL and went to work out.

This morning I told her I hoped she would have a better day today. Then, on her way out the door, she tried eating cake. She asked me if I would give her a kiss. My response was a polite "why don't we talk about it tonight." I learned my lesson from the kiss thing a couple of weeks ago, I'm not going to be her plan B.

So, tonight, if she brings it up, I think Cadet's advice would be, "feed the squirrel, no sharp movements toward or away."

[Winhamn]

So, just a FYI, sexual abuse is never fully healed and it will always impact the marriage.

The damage can be mitigated, and one of the reasons I suggested you do some reading on it, is that it may bring you some peace to understand the experiences common to people in your situation.

EDIT I'd also say she's not eating cake, she's responding to her insecurity. Tread lightly, if you push that insecurity button further, she will react poorly and unpredictably (or perhaps totally predictably if you know her well enough).

The way you approach her is the key. You can, and should, express your thoughts and feelings honestly to her, but in order to have successful communication with her, it's important to do it in a kind and loving manner (as much love as you can drum up at this point).

[Badger1]

So, W got home late last night (as planned) from a meeting. As the hour was getting later I was beginning to have more anxiety about whether she would even bring up the morning's incident (request for a kiss)... and if she didn't whether I should (given Sandi's rules).

As I thought through that anxiety, I realized what I was really afraid of was rejection, and once I knew that, I realized that rejection really isn't so bad at this point (I mean how much more could she reject me). So, when she got home, I was watching basketball and when she came in the room I was in, I just said "how was your day?" And she said, "very busy." I said, "do you want to talk about it?" and she responded, "not really, it was just busy." And then I said, "do you want to talk about this morning?" She said, "no." So then I just let it drop.

It was of course disappointing (although thankfully not so bad because I had low expectations), but it certainly relieved my anxiety, so I'm glad I just asked and then let it drop.

This morning, was back to normal (whatever that is). She still talks about things like what we want to do this weekend, next weekend, etc.

One question, this weekend is mother's day. She's made plans with her mom and the D's so I don't intend to insert myself. However, should I get her a card? The rules say no. But what about a card that I just sign with my name, no "love" or anything like that.

[Badger1]

Winhamm, I think you were right. I had moments of clarity yesterday amidst all of this chaos and decided that I could no longer continue with the status quo. For me, it felt better to put the cards on the table and have a real conversation.

So, last night I asked her what Wednesday morning was all about. She told me that that morning her pendulum had swung toward me, but that at present (36 hours later) it had swung the other way and wasn't going to swing back.

I followed up by asking if there was anything she was willing to do to work on our marriage. She replied by saying "no." I then told her that I'd be contacting my attorney to get the process started. She said (with a smile on her face), "oh, I was thinking the same thing and was just going to tell you Monday." Really???

I am at more peace today than quite a while. It will bother me for sometime, wondering... "what if I had just kissed her on Wednesday morning?" But, ultimately, I think it would have just prolonged my pain and led to this same result.

[Elly4]

Badger, I'm just getting caught up on your sitch, but I would advise no card from you. She is not your mother and she fired you, so no card. Just help the kids if they want to make her something.