Me and my wife got married when she was 17 and I was 19. I have been married to my wife for five years. 3 of those I was serving in the army and went on one deployment. Ever since I returned we have had communication issues and never really had the time to work on it between my field rotations and our son. we both began having issues with infidelity because even though we were in the same room we could never open ourselves up to each other. 8 months after I separated from the service we had our second child. After that we had rough patches but we were getting better and being open with each other. By the time our 4 year anniversary came around we were both in love again and felt really good about our relatiorelationship. The day after our anniversary she flew back to Virginia to introduce our son to the rest of his family. Three days later he went to sleep and never woke up. I flew out that day and found her at her grandmother's talking to other people again. I asked her why and she said she just wanted to talk to people that didn't know so I let her cope with it how she felt she needed to.
We found out she was pregnant with our third child a month after his death. Two weeks later we decided to move to Virginia. Which meant that I would go back home and pack up our car and bring it back across the country. I ended up being stick in California for 3 months trying to save up enough for the trip. After the first few weeks I fell into a deep depression and me and the wife stopped talking as often. I felt guilty for not being by her side and didn't feel worthy of her love. Two months in I found her on a dating site and she admitted to being on it. So I decided to get revenge and discussed meeting up with someone else but in the end decided against it and finally returned home to her. Everything seemed to be going okay, but something seemed off with her. She was so distant from me I got caught up in playing video games because I didn't know what to do. A week before she was to give birth she found out about the woman I never met up with. We discussed it and I told her the truth that I did it because she had hurticaria me. She told me I was wrong and that she had been trying the entire time I was in California. Our son was born and things went back to normal we got along fairly well. She was upset that I played the game on occasion but other than that we were happy. On new years eve she woke up to our newborn not breathing. I immediately started to perform cpr on him even though I knew that it was no use. We buried him in the same plot as his brother five days later and my wife started taking zoloft. Due to our other son dying we were required to have an escort whenever we had our eldest son with us. So her friend moved in with us. At this same time I started a new job on graveyard shift. So we had absolutely no time together to grieve alone. A few weeks later I found out that a friend she talked poetry with was actually a guy she had fallen in love with while I was in California. We talked it out and she and I started getting along better than before our second son's death. A week later she told me she didn't love me and had an apartment ready to move into. she told me she needed some space and that when our lease was up I could move in with her.
She then started sending mixed signals about being with me and not. I was already grieving our son so I reacted horribly with each new spurt of threatening divorce. We started doing couples packets and then one night I get a call from her while I was at work saying she had sex with someone else when the day before she had told me she didn't want to have sex with anyone. I freaked out when she acted like it wasn't any of my business. I posted it on facebook when she refused to talk to me. Again I understand that this wasn't the best course of action and immediately removed it but a couple people saw it before I did. It's been almost a month and a half since then and she has admitted that she did fall in love with the guy and that he rejected her because she was married but he recently confessed that he said he wanted to be with her but she turned him down. She is now planning on going to Canada to see him in a few weeks but still sends me mixed signals like after church she will hold my hand. She says she just wants to be by herself because she is happier than being with me. Our son has started saying that she hates me and that he hates her and wants to live with me. I have forgiven her for everything and want to save our marriage not only for myself but for our son as well. I just don't know what to do anymore and on my pay I can't afford traditional counseling and she has agreed to see a counselor to improve our friendship. I bought the divorce busting book and am currently reading it. I don't know how to act around her at all. please help me.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/13/1507:26 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Joe - Thank you for your service. I am very sorry you are here, and have experienced multiple losses. Your story is only the tip of the iceberg I am sure. Have you ever thought of going to counseling? I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would go, but I did, and it helped me?
Also don't sabotage yourself... twice in your narrative you described situations where she did something to you, so you retaliated (the potential affair and Facebook). You will need to be a stronger person that that. Being angry and upset is one thing taking it out on her and making a public display is another.
At the end of your story, you stated please help me. This message board is a place to get tools (knowledge, experience, understanding, support). But no one here can make the decisions to turn things around, only you. Be honest with yourself, and educate yourself.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joe, first of all, I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through. And thank you for your service.
Im sorry you are here but you have landed among some very special people.
First of all, take a deep breath. This is a marathon, not a sprint. So, it is best to begin to take care of you. You will need all your strength to get through this.
It is important to eat, sleep, exercise and pray if you are so inclined.
Dbing will seem to be counterintuituve. The focus needs to be taken off of her and put on you and your son.
It is important to think about the things she has said that she is unhappy about. Look at them honestly and start to work on only those that you agree with.
You need to do that for you and not as a ploy to get her back. She will see right through it if you do that.
This isnt for the faint of heart. You will need to do some real digging inside.
I believe that Dbing is a way to save you and sometimes it saves marriages.
If you do the work, you will become who you were meant to be.
So, no more retaliation. Each day be the person you want to be. Some days you will make it, some you wont, but, that should always be the goal.
Post here often and on others' posts. That's how you get off moderation and then your posts will show in real time.
Long time lurker first time reply. Listen I understand where you are coming from to a degree. The biggest problem is looks like your marriage is having is communication. I suggest first that you two talk as soon as possible and keep it steady. I would suggest finding a counselor to help if you have the money. I can relate alittle because my spouse cheated on me a few years ago. It was tough and because of it my marriage became really bad. Just a downward spiral of problems. Its was loveless and we constantly had problems. It wasn't until one day until I said I had enough and decided to take action. I did some Google and came across this site
I thought it was nonsense at first but I decided to get the information. About few weeks later my marriage slowly started to change for the better.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/13/1510:22 PM. Reason: as per forum agreement outside links not permitted
I know that only I can help myself in this situation. I guess when I was asking for help was just mostly support that I can't really find elsewhere. We are trying to find a counselor that will see us but I am not in a location with a lot of options nor do I have the finances to pay for counseling that is available hours away. We have tried several free services but none have returned our calls.
I know that only I can help myself in this situation. I guess when I was asking for help was just mostly support that I can't really find elsewhere. We are trying to find a counselor that will see us but I am not in a location with a lot of options nor do I have the finances to pay for counseling that is available hours away. We have tried several free services but none have returned our calls.
Been there done that, keep posting here and reading.
Joe - have you read DB or DR yet? there is a section on choosing a counselor. Not all counselors are created equal.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I am reading DB right now. I also see that my wife is displaying a lot of the characteristics of a WW. Before it was very confusing seeing everything she was doing but until now I just couldn't put any of the dots together. It's difficult seeing her being so selfish but now at least I have a pretty good idea on how to behave around her. Unfortunately we live in a very rural area so we do not have many choices on counselors. We have not met with the one we recently got in contact with. My biggest concern is what I should discuss with the counselor when she is present.
