We have been separated for 2 months. Married 20 years. He wants to work on marriage and we go to therapy but he does nothing outside of therapy. He has pointed out everything I have done wrong in our 20 year marriage. This past summer he was texting with another women but said it was just friends. He says he has no feelings for me but that I make him very angry whenever he sees me. He doesn't understand why he has no feelings for me. Therapy is not helping. we are suppose to have date nights and family time but he doesn't follow thru or it ends up he gets mad and then doesn't talk to me for a week. At a lost as to what to do. He has completely changed since a year and half ago. Any thoughts? Can this be a mid-life crises and maybe AP?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He said in therapy he has no feelings for me and then said he feels very angry whenever he sees me. Is it possible to get the feelings back or is it too late?
Welcome! And I am so sorry that you need to be here. Fortunately, there is hope for your M, and most important there is hope for you.
Maybe you want to start telling your story a little by little in your posts. Like Cadet said, it seems he is an MLC but that is just part of the script.
The one thing you will hear a lot from all of us that are here for awhile, is that you need to start taking care of yourself. Eat well, try to sleep enough hours a day, go out with your girlfriends, do some GAL to distract and reinvent yourself, get some emotional support with a close friend(s) or family.
If you can't function well right now, go to your doctor and discuss the use of anti depressants, it may be good for you to just get something light to just take out the harsh edges.
If you did not start yet, go to an IC by yourself. Independent of doing therapy together w/your H, it's important you start working on yourself.
Read DB or DR books, or both if you can. There are a lot of info there and also a lot of valuable info here in these boards.
Hang in there, it is the most horrible and hard thing you can ever experience, but if you take one day after another, things start to look a little different if not better.
For me it started this summer with him being distant, angry at me and my son and just in general even his mother asked what was wrong with him and he started listening to country music and running which he has never done and then I found out he was texting this OW he said it was nothing just friends and when I asked he said he would stop and he was sorry and he knew it wasn't right.
I think he did stop but I also discovered that he was texting a couple other women from his work after that which he says are just friends.
He is obsessed with his body (he is weightlifter) thinks he is losing his muscle, we fought every day until he moved out because he did not want to talk about our relationship, says I didn't love him, don't respect him, ask too many questions, in his face etc says when he sees me he feels angry and loves me but not sure it is the right way, has no feelings for me, that our marriage is full of problems, none of which our therapist can get him to name except he feels controlled by me his mother and other people.
He seems depressed at times says he can't sleep at night, doesn't want to talk and when asked what he wants out of our marriage he is not sure.
I have tried to be nice, not ask questions (I do ask questions in past because he would come home and give big sigh and then sit down so I would ask what is wrong and then he would get mad). I have thought someone else or MLC or both.
I have asked him if there is anyone else and if so just tell me so we won't be wasting all this time on therapy and making it so painful on us both. He fanatically denies anyone else. Any suggestions.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/10/1508:48 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
I'm sorry that you are here -- but I have to echo what Cadet says about depression and blaming you. Research angry depressed spouses and see if you might identify with what's going on.
My H turned nuclear meltdown angry seemingly overnight and was angry for months and it was ALL MY FAULT (according to him). Told me he had checked out of the marriage, that I controlled him, that he would "never trust his heart to me again", ILYBINILWY, the whole nine yards. All while screaming this at me. For two months straight.
Seven months later? He's finally seeking help for serious depression. Admitted that it wasn't all my fault, and that alot of what he said when he left wasn't true.
Take a step back, breathe, take care of yourself and use this time to reflect.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Thanks I will do that. Right now I just started reading DB. it really felt awful to hear him say he just didn't feel anything for me. (I thought yeah you do, anger) LOL.
He keeps saying its been two months since I moved out and nothing has changed. When I ask what do you want changed he doesn't know. Maybe he wants the feeling of love back. therapist told him he will have to work at it and put in effort and he said he thinks it should just be there either it is or it isn't so marriage can't work if it isn't there.
She told him he needed to decided to take action or won't be there. Right now he is so angry he doesn't want to do anything even though he says "I am here aren't I' when we are in therapy.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/10/1509:04 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
One thing to bear in mind is that we could spend much time debating the cause of this. It may be MLC (which gets my vote) depression or an AP. It could be all three...
The important thing is what you do next. Have you read DR? Make that a priority as it will help you understand the tools and techniques people talk about on this site.
The book suggest you start thinking about how you want to improve yourself. Because you can't control your H - only yourself.
It also suggests GAL - getting a life. Doing new things that get you out, take your mind off things, meet new people ideally and extend yourself.
GAL should lead to more detachment, because your H is doing some confusing and hurtful things right now. He's probably got himself into a bit of a hole, and will pull you in there if you let him. Detaching from the situation protects you as you are less affected by what he is doing.
These basic principles apply whatever he situation, so read the book, read these boards and understand the basic premise of DBing.
Keep posting my friend. You'll get lots of support here...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
