I could use some advice on some of the wrinkles of my situation.
My wife and I have had a pretty rocky marriage. I feel like we’ve been on the brink of divorce for a long time.
3 years ago, she had an EA, I found a lot of self help stuff, did the 180, and really grew a lot as a person. The marriage went from me being on the doorstep of filing, to coming back together and being pretty darn good for a while.
I backslid on my emotional improvements, and we slowly grew apart again, and over the last few months I sank into depression and walled myself off, and obviously the marriage plummeted downhill.
A week ago, she sent me an email that said I’m done, I’m seeing a lawyer next week.
I was in a dark and isolated place, and my response was “oh no you don’t, I’m filing first!” and I immediately self filed for divorce. I handed her the papers and she didn’t have much of a reaction at all. Meanwhile, I felt like I was watching myself on TV (which is how I’ve felt about the last several months).
After I handed her the papers, I started to have a real breakdown. My eyes suddenly opened to how dysfunctional my behavior was and how my behavior over the last few months had been so self defeating. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse, and I started to see how my emotional reactions were so childish and really influenced by the pain and negative self image that takes its roots in the abuse. I felt incredibly alone.
Over the next 2 or 3 days, I expressed myself to her about a number of things, as well as had some legitimate releases and breakdowns from processing the abuse as well. She has been there for me in a way no one else has over the last several days in relation to the abuse. I’ve really opened up to her about a lot of things.
Then Monday or Tuesday (3 days ago) she sent me another email saying “I hate to say this because I don’t like seeing you in so much pain, but I plan to continue with the divorce process”. I ran home and again poured my heart out to her, making it clear I have some serious issues I need to work on and I want to do that within the confines of our marriage.
Her only reply is just that she has nothing for me right now. She is at peace with the divorce route. She is comfortable heading that direction.
She’s had some personal hardships lately, which I was not supportive of her about. She’s way low on sleep. She’s also spending a ton of time with her friends (her friend situation is something very similar to what is described on the DB website, she vents all her frustrations to them and they encourage her to just move on and make herself happy).
In some ways, it appears shes doing her own 180. She is on a totally different eating program, is working out a lot (as she has been the last couple years), going shopping, etc.
She makes eye contact with me (quite a lot of it really, maybe more than before). She initiates some degree of conversation. She has stopped cooking for me. Our interactions would largely appear normal from the outside, but of course there is a missing piece to them. She continues to ask logistical questions about the divorce (when do we tell kids, how are we going to handle financials, etc) which I talk to her about being as truthful and upbeat as possible.
While she continues to insist she is going through with the process, she has contacted lawyers but has failed to actually meet with one yet. As I said, I self filed hoping we could keep lawyers out of this, but since she is lawyering up I may have to as well.
While I familiar with much of the process from having used the 180 concept before, I have not yet read the book. I’m hoping it arrives today. I have shut down on asking relationship questions, I try to avoid initiating conversation but we have 3 kids under 8 years old so that’s sort of impossible, I’m trying to be active although I’m really hamstrung by having only a temporary restricted license due to a OWI arrest a few months ago.
A question she asked that I could use advice on – how long do I stay in the house? Purely from a DB perspective, is it more effective to be in the house (under the same roof separation) or out of the house?
Also, do I have a chance at a second 180 bringing her back, or do you think that makes it too hard for her to believe it could really be a permanent solution? Maybe that’s a stupid question, because the changes I want to make are for me. But I don’t want my marriage to end either.
My other question is more emotional. How in the world do you deal with the dichotomy of detaching, acting as if you are moving on, but constantly modify your behavior because what you really want to to reconcile?
That’s just killing me right now. I have this terrible tightness in my upper abs/lower chest right now. I have to let go, I have to face the reality that it’s over. But I also am fully committed to doing anything I can to make this work, and I know DB is the right way and the only chance I have.
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
180's are not a magic bullet that is going to be pressed and all will be restored back to the way it was.
Their are no tricks or magic buttons that you can press.
Reading through your thread I can see lots of things that you may need to change. Drinking, depression, pursuing, controlling - to name a few.
The changes must be real, not just to try to win her back.
Are you up for the challenge?
Originally Posted By: Winhamn
how long do I stay in the house? Purely from a DB perspective, is it more effective to be in the house (under the same roof separation) or out of the house?
The basic advice here is do not move out of the house and do not move out of the MBR. Let her do that.
Read the homework I gave you and report back with questions, hopefully some one will answer them.
I agree that I have some things to change. And I need to change them for me.
Right now, I'm in that place where I just so want this to end. I know you guys know what I mean. Just poof, not back to normal, but she is like "ok lets work on this".
It just hurts.
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
Win, Look at my sitch. you just described me to a T. don't move out, see a counselor. i know that sexual abuse makes it hard for you to connect and you are always waiting to be abandoned. but in that fear, you are always testing and pushing folks away to see if they will really stay. i know i did. seek help!! read my sitch and don't do what i did. best of luck.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Yesterday was pretty magically. With the kids all day, had a friend come over for a playdate in the evening. It was great.
Wife made lots of eye contact and nice conversation all day. Then off to overnight party with toxic friends. Comes home predictably cold and detached. I know I shouldn't care.
I went to church today. For the first time ever by myself. I go maybe once a year normally.
Church spoke to me like it never has before. It was a pretty powerful experience.
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
