I am so lost right now, I don't know what to do with myself or my life at this point. I have been married 6 years now, 4 of which my H has been unfaithful online and real time. This has been completely denied and lied about for years. I have found countless pictures saved on his computer, even pictures taken with his camera. I have found countless profiles online, even chatted with him under a false profile I created while he was working out of state. During the chat he sent a picture to this false person, when I confronted him right after he sent the picture he tried denying who he was, said he stole pictures from people, after several other lies he claimed he knew it was me all along and thought we were having fun. This happened last September, he has continued to look for women online since. He returned home the end of September due to losing his job. When he returned home the drinking started (yes he is also an alcoholic), I found more new pictures of women on his computer, confronted him again, and it has been a downward spiral since. He is still unemployed, as am I due to leaving my job when we were supposed to move out of state for the job he lost. The drinking is completely out of control as has been the infidelity. After finding the pictures when he returned, the drinking and habitual lying I resorted to installing a key logger on his computer and phone. Armed with physical proof I was able to confront him with facts. Since November I have threatened to leave, hoping this would shock him into stopping, no luck there. After countless hours of talking and arguing we decided to try an "open marriage". No luck there as to live that honesty must be adhered to and he lied right out of the gate with that one. He continued searching online for women after that, as our life was pretty much a free for all. A couple of weeks ago I went to visit some friends and received a call from C1, he left the house drinking. I texted him, he denied it and then ignored me. Due to the fact C1 was worried I left and headed home. Well the key logger was still installed and I found he had left the house to hook up with someone he met on an ad site, this time paying for it. He was home when I got there, I thought it best not to confront him, I went to my room. ( Yes we have slept in separate rooms for over a month now.) I sent him a text telling him I knew where he was, his reply was ok, yes I drove to a park to think about us. I continued to confront him via text, I was past angry and a face to face conversation would have ended badly. Long story short, he tried getting me to have sex with him after his encounter with the online woman. After I refused him, he got back online and cammed with yet another woman. This basically leads me to today, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not even functional at this point. At this point in my life I can't bear the thought of starting over completely. I have searched for people in similar situations, however everything I read seems to reference "affairs", and I don't really think I would classify what he does as an affair. It's mostly one night flings and countless hours online with women. He swears after this last time that he has hit rock bottom, is ashamed and completely done with it all, yet he can not guarantee me 100% it won't happen. I wish we could separate, if nothing else for some breathing space to think but with our financial situation that just isn't possible. They claim marriage can survive affairs, what I wonder is can is survive this type situation. The pain is still so fresh I can't see how it can. How can someone do this type of thing to someone they love and care about? How can this person look you in the eye after all of this and still claim they love and care about you? I suppose that's where I am right now. I feel the loving and caring must not have ever been there, that everything in our marriage was a lie, that everything he ever did for me was a was to appease me, for the things he's done. So, If anyone has any words of wisdom or hope I would love to hear from you. I'm desperate.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't really think I would classify what he does as an affair. It's mostly one night flings and countless hours online with women. He swears after this last time that he has hit rock bottom
Sorry I must disagree He is addicted to some sort of abnormal behavior, affairs, drinking, whatever he can do to try to pull himself out of his unhappiness.
I'm very sorry about your awful situation. Perhaps you could clarify for us what would be success in your situation? Do you hope that within a few weeks or months, he'll come back to you, stop drinking and having affairs and commit to a monogamous relationship until the end of time?
I also suggest that you create your signature, like mine. It helps fellow posters to get a quick grip on your situation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
