On April 20th, we will be married 16 years. A little over month ago I suspected something wasn't right with H, I questioned him as to why he's been acting strange, he said I was crazy and 'why was I pulling this $hit on him'. He left his tablet in the basement so I looked at it. There were nude photos of the other woman on it. It turns out it's the sister of a friend that was killed in an auto accident just over a year ago. I went upstairs, told him I saw the photos, he looked like a deer in the headlights. He ended up leaving that day, that was March 15th, and met her at the bar for a St Patty's day party. He came home a few hours later and told me he was calling an Attorney the next day. He went to the attorney and said it was really expensive, that we should go to a mediator instead.
A few days had passed, March 19th he was late coming home from work. He's usually home by 5, he got home at 7. He was crying when he came in, he said he was out driving around and thinking. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc... We then decided to go to a counselor. While he's at home telling me he wants to spend his life with me, his girlfriend is sending him listings for condos for rent. (at the exact same time!!!)
We went to the counselor 2 times, he still wants to talk to the other woman while go to counseling. The counselor even told him he needs to stop talking to the other woman if he wants this to work. He refused, said he's not ready to stop talking to her.
I told him today that I'm not going to be in competition with the other woman for him. I told him that I love him and he doesn't need to stay with me if he isn't happy. I then told him I was making the decision for him, I was no longer on the market as an option for him.
He seemed a little surprised, then he said, "well I'll have to stay here for a while, I can't afford to move out immediately." I told him he needs to sleep in the basement or something then. He says we'll be fine sleeping in the same bed until he moves out.
Our house is tiny, I don't want to share a room with him. I obviously can't force him to leave the bedroom. Now what?
This whole thing is a complete shock to me. After 9/11 the MI economy tanked and for 12 years I've been the main bread winner in the family, he's had odd jobs/part time jobs during that time. He finally got an engineering job a year ago and we are finally making decent money. We've had the best year ever, we were no longer fighting about money/bills. We've been able to buy new cars and take vacations, we even go on date nights, we even have fun just sitting around at home and enjoy each others' company. That's why none of this makes any sense to me. We had everything, it's all been destroyed and for the life of me, I don't know why!
I'm keeping a stiff upper lip on the outside, but inside I'm saying "OMG, what have I done, did I do the right thing?!?"
I hope this snaps him back to reality. If not, I have to mentally prepare to not spend the rest of my life with him. (Which right now is completely killing me!)
Married 4/20/99 Found out H cheating 3/15/15 Me45 H48 D14 S10
Hi Kathy, I'm so sorry for your situation, but glad you have found the forum. You'll get some wise advice here. There are many people who have experienced just what you are going through and will help.
One of the first things you should do is buy the book. I preferred DR as it is more up to date and has specific chapter on infidelity. Also, be careful to keep DBing close to yur chest, and be cautious about browsing histories and so on if you are living together.
Be aware that your H probably wants to continue the A without there being implications within the family home. He will likely want to stay in the marital bed whilst carrying on the A. I moved out the day my H disclosed the A. Our sitch was different in that I have a SS, but we have no kids together. Most people advocate not moving out - either out of the MB, or out of the house.
I think you probably need to accept that your H will be in contact with his AP for some time. A's are notoriously addictive, and even though part of him may want to work on the M, he will probably keep getting drawn back into the A - because it makes him feel GREAT just now. But most A's fizzle out between 6 months and 2 years. Why? Because they are based on fantasy, built on deceit and have no solid foundations to sustain the R when reality creeps in. Only 1-3% of A's lead to marriage, and there's a 75% D rate for those who do marry. Dismal stats if you are having an A.
IMHO, the important things right now for you are boundaries and protection. If you don't want your H in the marital bed, have a look at RAI's thread in Newcomers. There is a helpful post from Wonka on stating that boundary. There may be other boundaries to think about. Others have found 'artifacts' from the A in their homes and have told their S's they won't tolerate and if they find any such things again they will dispose of them, and so on.
Wonka has a boundaries cheat sheet in Newcomers, and you may want to have a look at that. You'll be on moderation initially, so replies may feel slow. But stick with it and keep posting little and often.
Also, be aware that your actions are very unlikely to snap him back into reality. Google affair fog for more information on that. You are likely in store for a bumpy ride, which may take many months, or even years. The best thing to work towards is greater detachment from your H, and keeping the focus on you and your kids. The more you can do for yourself and look after yourself the better.
My final thought is - given your ages - similar to me and my H, there may be an element of mid life crisis in your sitch. I would caution about labelling your H as in MLC - but it has helped me to be aware of what can happen in MLCs. It certainly takes some of the sting out of some of the things my H has done.
Keep posting, and take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
...But most A's fizzle out between 6 months and 2 years. Why? Because they are based on fantasy, built on deceit and have no solid foundations to sustain the R when reality creeps in. Only 1-3% of A's lead to marriage, and there's a 75% D rate for those who do marry. Dismal stats if you are having an A.
Is it bad of me to take total pleasure in this statement? I want him to be miserable for the pain he's put me through.
I did add to my speech to him before I told him that I was no longer an option the reasons I think he's having the affair. I said "when you talk to her you are just "Joe Smith, interesting guy. When you are at home, you are Joe Smith interesting guy husband/father/bills/household/orthodontist appts/guitar lessons/etc."
When I said that I could tell for a brief second he was thinking about what I said, hopefully that sinks in to him as well.
Married 4/20/99 Found out H cheating 3/15/15 Me45 H48 D14 S10
Is it bad of me to take total pleasure in this statement? I want him to be miserable for the pain he's put me through.
I'd say it's a normal human emotion when faced with this. Keep it to yourself though if you can. Otherwise, you're feeding your spouses ego with your emotional energy by being so torn about it.
Quote:
My biggest worry is that if I detach, it's just going to push him to the other woman.
He's already with the other woman. He's going to want to cake eat too; by having the stability of your home and the affair on the side.
DB and Detaching is for you. It's to help you cope with the roller-coaster that you're on. There are going to be emotional ups and downs. Your spouse won't just wake up and come back, especially if you're not taking steps to be a stronger you. Think of it as getting back to the person you were before the marriage. The strong confident you who enjoys your life.
When I found out my Wife was active in the affair, I moved her stuff and her to the basement bedroom. She flipped about it, but she's still there complaining. She's supposed to move out soon and I personally wish it would happen sooner than later... but that's my situation.
Last edited by Sherman333; 04/06/1501:05 PM.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I have the day off work today. H is working. I decided to take the kids to the mall. Out of the blue H started texting me, wanting to know how my day was going, etc. I answered him in short answers. Fine, kids are fine. He just kept texting. "Where'd you eat lunch?" "Was the service good?" What did you order?" Just anything to keep the conversation going. It was really annoying.
Then he texts, "I still haven't listened to the Alan Jackson song Remember When but I looked up the words today. :'( " About 2 weeks ago I sent him that song (before I knew I shouldn't be pursuing him). I told him to listen to the song, especially the last verse because he has always said "Kids will grow up and move away, we are forever" That is basically what the song says too, that's why I sent it to him.
It was SO SO SO hard not to respond to him about the song, but I didn't. Then he closed the text by saying he wished he could be there at the mall with us. I again, did not respond to that text.
I feel awful for not responding but I understand that is what has to be done, for my own sanity.
It's hard, very hard.
Married 4/20/99 Found out H cheating 3/15/15 Me45 H48 D14 S10
My biggest worry is that if I detach, it's just going to push him to the other woman.
Often, that is not a bad thing. Many OP's merely want the fantasy of the illicit affair, and NOT the mundane, day-to-day, relationship with the cheating spouse with its bad breath, DRAMA, and boring details of everyday life.
Affairs thrive on secrecy. Best case, your detachment re-attracts him, but if it doesn't -- that's not a bad thing either . . . not in the short-term.
