I'd like to give a little background about my situation and get some advice, my wife has started a affair and says she needs her space and about six weeks ago to moved into the kids room and I'm in a lot of pain I've read DR and I want to make it work for me but I know I've broken some of the rules and I'm losing faith
Sorry, to see you here. This is probably the worst time you can think of. But trust me, it will get better for you. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs, but things will eventually stabilize. This is the best place for me to see that others are going through similar things and we all can help each other.
First, read through some of these threads. You're not alone in how you feel, your sitch, your W feelings, etc.
Second, we all believe that this is could be a quick fix, but the A damage is done and it takes a LONG time for things to start to right themselves if they are meant to.
Third, start to think about WHY W was unhappy. That's not to say there is any justification in her doing what she has done, but it helps us focus on things we can fix (ourselves)
Fourth, a spouse in an affair has huge, wild, crazy, horrific, and any other adjectives you want to use attitudes, mood swings, thought processes etc. We all struggle trying to figure out what is going through their heads when they can't even figure it out themselves.
Fifth, focus on things in this order Yourself, Your Kids, Finances, Your Job, Your House, Your WAS. We all get caught up trying to focus on how to 'fix' our M or WAS and go in circles and neglect the other things.
Sixth, eat, sleep, try and relax.
We're all here to help and read through other threads as it helps essentially look into the future to see the different stages you will go through.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Ok thanks for the insight all though I am new to the forum I have been dealing with this for the past year, I never thought me and my wife would be here, last fall I discovered shed been talking to someone when I confronted her she said it was someone she'd was dependent on for emotional support?
She had began spending a lot if time with these two new girlfriends from work and she'd always been kind if a social party type but these two women became everything to her she completely cut every other friend out and these two women are wild ones divorced and the other is married but I suspect she's had extramarital affairs needless to say I think they've been a huge influence in her recent actions, oh and I left something out before the discovery of the first of what would be several op she developed relationships with over the next few months, I started receiving anyonomous letters in the mail at work and home telling me "she's cheating on you" when I confronted her about the letters she explained that they must of been from a friend that she's had a falling out with and was doing it out of spite and I was i believed her bit needless to say it caused some problems between us, there was always that doubt then after a night out with her new "girls" I discovered shed been talking to someone saved in her phone as "Jane"@2am that was the first of what I thought was an isolated incident, I was enraged, furious the next day she says I don't know if I want to be married to you anymore and " I can't promise you anything " like any other husband I panicked I didn't know what to do we said we'd take it day by day,
I had to know who "Jane" was so I was always snooping then I found him I discovered it was an old friend so I thought after seeing her text to this om but when I confronted her about it it wasn't "Jane" them in the coming months I found another guy she had made a date with but didn't go,
anyway of course I was hurt by the other people but I figured it was just a phase and it was a attention thing because we still sees to be close and had a good sex life so I set out to fix it I coveted her more that ever took extra time off work for date nights planned to sweep her off her feet again and show her how much I loved her and after the holidays and celebrating our anniversary in January I began to let my guard down and thought the marriage was back on track,
them in February she went on a cruise with her girls ( they planned this trip over a year ago ) she came back and my worse fears are now a true she tells me she met someone on the cruise and would've slept with him had she not been married and I was unfair to me and she didn't want to be married anymore and couldn't be my wife right now , she has completely cut me off physically and moved upstairs with the kids, again I couldn't take it and had to know who the op was , he lives up north and apparently she's really into him, she began talking to him on the phone blanltly on my face, I've backed off and given her space but I don't think that's enough and it wasn't now, this weekend she went to visit him and I'm sure they've become physical ( she doesn't know I know that's where she's been ) and I fear things are to far gone, I know it's a lot to take in but I really wanted to let all this out , I don't know what to do at this point, I want to save the marriage but I feel she's just stringing me along !
I don't know what to do , I'm trying to do the 180 and show her I changing but I know that's more for me, we're still living together and have two small children I don't know what to do if I should leave or stay how do I cut her off and show her loss without losing her and my children, if I leave she'll always be able to say I leafy but how do I cutoff the relationship to make her feel like She's lost me! I'm just confused just don't know the next step I'm still doing little things and being supportive but I guess that's the wrong way according to sandy please help !
Last edited by Cadet; 04/07/1507:52 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
I guess my main dilemma is how do I implement the let her go method when we are still living together and do I leave or stay? I don't to leave! I want the marriage to work and I would do anything to keep my family together , but I just don't know what the next step is . What can I do without being hurtful that will have her fear losing me ? Any suggetions ?
Yes I've read DR and all the links are great and very insightful just confused in my next step , I won't leave until she ask it's her house do I guess first step is stop running errands and doing husband stuff like sandy says, I guess I haven't totally stopped pursuing I just stopped smothering and forcing serious talks about the relationship no I love yous but haven't made her really feel like she's lost me ? And truly I'm scared that's what she wants
Cadet I've read more and more threads the past few days and have accepted the truth that there is no quick fix tto my our anyones on this forums sitch , thanks you for steering me in the right direction there's so much useful information here and you seem very involved , I will continue reading I've pretty much been glued to sandi2s thread about wayward wives, it really hits home, just wanted to say thanks
Keep posting rich. Journal, vent, scream...whatever you need. Be respectful and listen. Much of the advice & commentary will sound foreign and wrong. It is important to work on yourself and take time to breathe!!! I am truly sorry you are in a position that you need to join us here.
