Be forewarned - I haven’t read DB or DR yet. From what I have understood, these books are are more focused on saving a marriage rather than saving yourself following a marriage breakup. However, I am not certain which camp I fit into. It depends on which minute you ask.
I happened upon some thread following a Google search of “wife left me” or some such phrase. I have since read quite a few threads. I suppose the hook has been how similar elements of these threads are to my own experience.
Even though I am unsure of whether the marriage can be saved, or I even want it to be, I have found the advice contained within threads I have read to be very helpful. In either case I agree that GAL is (or should be) my primary focus. I am striving towards this but keep getting pulled back into this misery.
Very briefly: 40 and 30. M 6 years. together 13. 2 kids (1&4), W unilaterally ended the marriage 2 months ago. she is happy for 50/50 custody to continue. unfortunately I broke almost all 37 rules. as i am sure is common, the 2nd time my marriage breaksdown I will, AND now know where, to look for help. There is OM involved. She still maintains friendship only, however emotional affair is certain.
So 1st question - which book Or where should I start with?
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
...and I m sure this is a common reaction. I doubt that anyone who believes there marriage is solid reads DB or scours these forums to learn a more rational, constructive reaction. And the first few weeks were mayhem, there was no time for googling or reading. Hence my comment, "next time i will know better". how comforting .
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
my story: It was almost out of the blue. One night in early Jan. my wife announced the marriage was over, it was all my fault and their would be no further discussion. I say ALMOST out of the blue for two reasons. One: the marriage had been in trouble for years. Two: a week earlier she had demanded that I fix MY issues over the next year. Basically, the marriage was in trouble due to the pressure of a young family and having NO time for our R. I had taken on the problem as my own and tried to fix it by myself. Our R got worse and I got depressed and then complacent that this was my life. A year later she sought help, but her efforts were lost on me.
I went to bed resentful the night she gave our marriage a 12 month window. Mainly because “my” issues were not the only thing that needed addressing. The next morning I was so excited, I had been reborn. Yes, she said that it was my problem but I knew that once we started addressing this together we could address all of the issues. i was going to get my wife back, at last!
For the first 2 weeks following her ending the marriage I didn't even defend myself. I just absorbed everything she threw at me and fought to stop her destroying the family. To return to her decision of a week earlier, even try for one month. By the end of the third week I was begging for nothing more than simply delaying any decision until we both calmed down. We separated after 4 weeks. There were many things that didn't make any sense. Her dramatic change in a week. How angry and vicious she became, completely out of character, completely! Etc, etc, etc,.
Now, the OM. He had been around (from work) for several months. He was just a friend of course. There had been a few very suspicious incidents with this OM, but in our 12 year R, i had never doubted her loyalty. Now was different and I could feel that this OM was an issue. when I raised it, her “manner” confirmed it. 1 day after we separated she spent the day with our kids and him. 2 weeks later I found the photos on the internet, labeled as her “familly”. Her profile picture on this website was a couplee of her and him. She still denies they are anymore than friends. I posted a link on FB to this website. Our family and friends were horrified.
My moving on was then greatly accelerated from not even being able to grasp what was happening to hating her for everything she had put me through, and now degrading me to worthless status. She ramped up her reasons for ending the marriage. She actually believes what she is telling everybody - that our relationship was toxic for at least 4 years. and she had to put an end to it. This hurts even further. We had A LOT of good times in the last 4 years, and the previous 8 were magical.
I’ve had to organize everything since the separation. This has added to the texts and emails I have sent. She sees them as harassment. Honestly there have not been many pestering R-type emails for over a month. I lost my temper with her the other day. she threatened legal intervention. there will be no further communication outside of custody mediation (which i organised and she still resists or at least is not co-operative).
I am not sure what I even want anymore (with respect to the M), but I do know that advice given on other threads has helped me greatly (as food for thought). I am confident that posting myself will be of huge benefit in any future that i choose, and probably help me in choosing that future. I do love her. I do see a future for us. BUT now I can also see a future for me. A future that very well may involve a partner that loves me the way I love her, a partner (and me too) minus the character flaws that have ultimately led to where we are now. This has been my argument with her all along. We owe it to ourselves, our kids and our family to at least try. This could be the turning point, leading to a fantastic life. Ultimately this will be (or at least can be - not for her with her denial though) a learning experience. lessons we will apply to our next relationship. lets learn them together and apply it to our M.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
My story was posted - but is waiting on moderators. It seems however that replies go straight up.
that being the case I will ask some more questions.
it seems almost assumed that the WAS is acting out a scripted role, or at least a typical one. What makes people so sure that their behaviour (albeit strikingly predictable) isn't real? when they say it is over and thats final, it really is over and there is nothing we can do to change that.
How will she be aware of my great new life and attitude, be suitably impressed and want to give me a chance if we don't have any contact?
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
it seems almost assumed that the WAS is acting out a scripted role, or at least a typical one. What makes people so sure that their behaviour (albeit strikingly predictable) isn't real? when they say it is over and thats final, it really is over and there is nothing we can do to change that.
How will she be aware of my great new life and attitude, be suitably impressed and want to give me a chance if we don't have any contact?
There are no guarantees here. The only thing that can be guaranteed is YOU! So make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave. Then you can't lose.
There are no guarantees here. The only thing that can be guaranteed is YOU! So make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
win-win advice really. thanks. even though i know it is true, even obvious at times, especailly when it is for someone else, it is so easy to get tangled in negativity and lose sight. it is nice to be reminded.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Good question Pyrite - and I still don't know the answer after 10 months or so. I agree that (from their perspective) the feelings probably are real *at that moment*. Thing is - feelings change. No one really know how they'll be feeling a week, month, year from now. Right?
Cadet had a wise reply. Turn your focus onto you and you can be guaranteed that things will work out.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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