I can relate to so, so much. You wouldn't have married him if you didn't feel he was a good man.
Glad to hear that you are out GALing, or getting ready to make it serious!
I'm also in the maybe he comes around, maybe he doesn't boat (though I don't think I am actively looking to reconcile anymore). Congrats on your detachment. And wisdom in knowing you need to get back to you, too.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Another piece of the puzzle just clicks into place today. My husband sought treatment in November for and Oxycodone habit. He had no prescription and was buying them from people. I thought he was doing good after treatment but now I realize that he just got better at hiding it. He got his own cell phone 3/2/2015 cause he didn't want me to be able to see who he called, texted, etc. but I still had all the records from before and I got curious. Since we both have iPhones I went through his backups using this program. I have a text between him and this 300 lb 50+ year old lady who apparently is his dealer. Text says: "Tweaked back unloading this stove from truck. Need pills. Pay any price."... That was 2/28.
Then Bomb Drop on 4/2/2015. Of course since he has his own cell phone now, I can't tell if he is still doing this and I can't get to any of his backups cause he created his own apple account. And in honesty, I think the 2/28 text is it for me. I can't live like this and I can't let my kids live like this either.
I am GALing, but I was still hoping for reconciliation deep down. How am I supposed to recommit to a marriage when he is having an affair with drugs. The thing is, I know he has a slipped disk. An MRI in December confirmed this. So why isn't he seeking proper treatment: chiropractor, physical therapy, etc... versus buying pills he has no prescription for.
And worse, now that I realize he is using again so much more of his behavior makes sense. Like... BD 4/2/15 we meet 4/5/15 to discuss split of assets in marriage. He was complaining how much his back hurt and that he was headed back to the lake house to sit on the heating pad for the rest of the afternoon but instead he went and tore out an entire bathroom: vanity, flooring, wallpaper, everything... You are in pain but you felt good enough to demolish an entire bathroom. AND he is planning on selling that house so how are you supposed to sell it with a bathroom missing? I am assuming, but my instinct tells me that I am not far off, that he popped a few pills got to feeling good then had some excess energy he had to burn off so he thought why not, I'll remodel the bathroom. And I'm sure each time he does this that he is just making the disk issue worse.
Frustrated... I want to save my marriage but how do you compete with addiction. I don't think you can. An addiction is worse then a mistress because they don't see it as cheating on your wife and family. Between finding out about the continued drug usage, the $16,500 he blew in stock market last year, the arguing... I just don't want to hang on anymore and I think that has made it so much easier for me to GAL.
Just reading through your sitch. Do you have a lawyer? It sounds like he does, but you are doing things on your own. My wife also advocated for no lawyers, and then I realized that there were a lot of hidden assets on her end, and she wanted to saddle me with all the bills. The vets on this board advised getting a lawyer, and I agree with that advice. I'm too emotional now, but I need to consider future repercussions
Protect yourself and get a lawyer.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I hired a lawyer the day after BD. She is an ex-DA for the drug task force, but has been practicing family law for some time now. Her father is also a lawyer and was the juvenile court judge for over 15 years. I sought legal advice pretty quickly when we separated because I wanted to make sure I was protecting me and the kids. I was afraid that knowing it had not been long that he was off the Oxy and his behavior that prompted me to kick him out that it was a possibility that he was taking again. I just couldn't prove it and so I just ignored the evidence staring me in the face. As of last Monday, she has all my paperwork and I hired a private investigator to do a hidden asset search to ensure that he wasn't hiding anything else. To my surprise the report results came back and he disclosed everything. It cost me a lot for PI, but it was worth the peace of mind.
He wants joint custody and I am steadfast in my no. I have been allowing visitation but usually when both my 16 year and my 6 year old are able to go. That way if something happens my 16 year old can step up to the plate if needed. I haven't told her this is my reason though. And I'm trying to be very diplomatic. I have handed the text conversations and phone records over to her. I did advise her that if he wants to pursue joint custody that he would need to provide his phone records to confirm he has no contact with either of the two I have identified as his dealers/pushers. And that the records could be scrutinized to determine if he has found other avenues for his addiction. But if I have to take this to that point it will get really ugly. I am not an ugly person. I am working with the lawyer to strike a balance between the issues and the outcomes.
On another note, since both kids are with Dad tonight, I was thinking I might go to my first social club event. I signed up for this social club that puts together events like salsa dancing, horseback riding, dancing, dinners, and so much more. They have a live band tonight at Wild Wings as their event and I'm thinking I should just go and have a good time. Hardest part of GAL is that so many happenings on the weekends don't really get started until late. This one starts at 9:30... Normally, that's my bed time! Gosh, I sound 90 years old. Anyway, I think I'm just going to go.
Here is some insight. I went to a trivia night last Friday and had such a good time that I ended up staying for the live band afterward. Then Sunday, my daughter and I went to mystery dinner theatre. I met a gal whose divorce just finalized and we have a lot in common. It was nice to make a friend or two this weekend. Someone who understands what I am going through right now. some of the things she said struck a nerve.
Why am I holding on so hard? He drinks daily, he is popping pills, he is emotionally abusive and toxic to my self esteem, he emotionally cheated twice, he blew $16,500 in the stock market without my knowledge so I can add gambling to the list, he can't commit or keep his promises, and he refuses to get help for his problems. So, why do I want to hold on so much. I think part of the answer lies in that I have never been a quitter. I have a character flaw in that I want to help people be better than they really are. It is one of the reasons I work in higher education.
More importantly, I realized after talking to a student this morning that there is a big difference between helping someone who wants it and someone who doesn't it. The old phrase, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink rings true in these instances.
So, why is it so hard to just let go. I know this is normal for this part of the break up, but it doesn't make it any easier. What is sad is that if he came to me tomorrow and said, I want to go to rehab, I want to be a better person and I want you to be there on the other end when I get done and I want to make this work or anything along these lines, I'd be right back into the relationship.
Is it what I really want? And right now it is. He wasn't always like this. I remember the man I married and I know he is in there somewhere but I can't make him come back out to play. I'm not dragging my feet in the divorce by any means cause I know it won't do any good. If he doesn't want to address his problems and the problems in the marriage it is just better to walk away.
I'm GALing and it is helping. But today, I just feel anger. I'm angry that he can't see what his actions have done to this family and to me. I'm angry that he refuses to see his actions and that he doesn't want to fix himself instead of casting stones.
