Walk Away Husband

[overcom]

I'm here to support you hun as I'm going through the same thing after 10 Years. It's by far the hardest thing we have to go through. Keep in touch I'm here to listen to you if you need to talk or cry or vent too... your not alone

[NLS]

Thank you for the posts! I have added both of you to my watched users...

I, like you, BW911 do not want this divorce at all. I literally remember hubby coming back from the last trip in CA where he watched his ex-girlfriend and his first wayward relationship in our marriage get married. He said as he sat there watching them take his vows he knew he couldn't follow through on the divorce as he intended to do when he returned.

And depress, thank you as well. I am feeling like an island and finding people who are experiencing what I am is great.

I keep telling myself that it isn't over until the fat lady sings. Maybe if I say it enough I will start to believe it. The reality is though that I am going to keep acting as if everything is hunky dory and keep up with the improvements in my life.

I bought a bowflex max trainer m5, but the darn thing is on back order and I may not get it until May or even June... I'm taking out my frustrations in the form of exercise instead of food.

Didn't sleep well at all last night and was up early this am. Husband is dropping off our son before he heads to work and then is picking him up and my daughter.

So here is the rest of the story as they say. I have fought for custody of my daughter for years. And her father is a real piece of work. My daughter came back from her last visitation and he had solicited her for sex. So, I am fighting to keep my daughter 16 away from her real father. Have court for that the 22nd.

I found out my husband was buying pain meds in October. By November, we both went to the doctor and the doctor wrote out how to come off the oxy without killing himself. I now know that he didn't because I was watching his phone etc and found out his dealer and have copies of text messages. My favorite from a few weeks ago. Tweaked my back unloading the dishwasher and stove on my own, need pills will pay any price.

Our separation began because of the increased arguing and mainly the fight that scared me. I really did think he was going to hurt me.

Then as I was completing our taxes, I received a form from our investment company saying we had a $12,000 loss TD Ameritrade, we sometimes dabble in the stock market. Upon investigation, he had been buying penny pot stocks which I knew about but had no idea of the gambling habit. He had pissed out the window $16,500!!! A $12,000 plus loss and about $4,500 in trade fees!!!!!!!

He started going to the doctor about his back. MRI shows a slipped disk so he is truly in pain. He was supposed to have a nerve test the other day but moved it and went and filed for divorce instead.

I have stellar insurance and if something is really wrong with his back, I carry Aflac and my insurance would cover 100% of treatments after an initial 1500$. Financially it is in his best interest to find out what is going on with his back and address it before divorcing but that is the logical and I'm pretty sure he isn't thinking logically.

Then there is the pain pills... I believe he is still buying them. And I have no idea how many he is up to. His brother went to rehab a few years ago for the same exact pills he is buying and taking.

And he has always been a functioning alcoholic. But that I knew coming into the marriage and it doesn't seem to bother me as much as the rest. He always buys at least three tall beers a night to drink and on the weekends a 12 pack plus a night gets drank.

Maybe between the arguments that were turning violent, the pills, the squandering of money, and the alcohol, I shouldn't want him back. But I remember those first couple years of our marriage before the first emotional affair and they were great. I remember camping, kayaking, canning, bike riding, barbecues with friends, date nights, and fantastic getaways and vacations. And that is what I would like to get back to. And so that is what I am aiming for. I'm going to rediscover my friends. I'm going to lose this weight so I can do all those fun things again even if they are by myself or with my kids.

[Zelda09]

NLS,

I'm so very sorry. I can identify with so much:

the feeling of him having one foot on the door forever
the intense emotional reliance on an ex
feeling emotionally drained
the final fight where things get physical
having hope for H to love me and fight for me, when he obviously doesn't think much of me

You sound like a tremendously hard worker, resourceful and smart. Even if you made mistakes, you deserve a partner who wants to be with you and what you bring to the table. It's not your fault. You can be the first to change, sure. Just try to not blame yourself or go chasing after him in any way.

My IC offered a vision of hope for the future - a partner that walks beside you on a path, not one that you are dragging along as he's digging his heels in.

Before my H came back to try for our M, he'd also made a similar comment - 'Z, I'm not saying we'll never be together again, but this isn't working for me right now." You know what? If it's "more of the same" from him, he can shove it.

I hope you see what you've tolerated for so long and ask yourself what you are no longer willing to give up for your M - I read your letter. There's nothing in it about how his EA have hurt you, the neglect and minimization of you, and what you would need from him, is there? If you are truly D, it is a moot point. But boundaries are important.

This forum has been a god send. Idk about others, but the biggest thing for me is the insight others bring to my sitch - it's hard to see what's in front of our faces sometimes, too many details in the trees to see the forest. And our friends and family can be too close also, and burdened.

Love yourself, NLS. Welcome, lots of good people are here for you.

I went to lunch with an older friend yesterday, and she told me stories of how her H had cheated on her for 20 some years and she turned a blind eye bc she wanted to. When she finally had enough - she met the love of her life and has been married to him for 10 years. He respects her (and she respects herself now), he builds her up instead of tearing her down.

There is happiness out there!

[Zelda09]

Just read your last post.
RUN from this dude! Don't walk.
An image comes to mind - the drowning person you swim out to save, who wraps their arm around you in a chokehold, drowning you both.

EVERYONE has their good points, the tender moments. That can't be an excuse for what you describe above. You describe addiction to alcohol and drugs, a fight where you thought you were going to be hurt, him squandering your assets, attempting cheating and EA, he files for D...let him. That's not a man who wants to be with you or respects you! Despite your warmest memories, he is certainly dragging you down right now, no?

Your H, until he decides to make some changes...this path doesn't go somewhere good, even if you make all of your changes!

Hugs. Wishing you strength, and some bits of joy in your days as a woman free of this.

[NLS]

I completely agree. He has the make changes because mine are not enough. I'm still dark and when I do see him I have been bubbly and positive.

I'm rockin a pair of jeans today that are a size smaller and still had to go it on a belt!!! And that is awesome. Went out with friends last night and danced from about 11:00 until 3:00 am. Had a blast.

Husband is coming over tomorrow after 12 so we can amicably discuss the divorce paperwork. Up beat, positive, and nonconfrontational. He has recently been seeki ng appropriate treatment for his back but I would definit ky have to see permanent changes in order for me to really be able to keep putting myself all in.

I still have ant reconciliation. So, I'm following the tips for a WAS (walk away and wayward)... If he continues getting proper treatment and snc this is the he first incidents I would rather give it a try. 12 years married and 3.5 years spent dating is very hard to throw away.

I showed him a pic of a smokin hot dress that I bought because he mentioned something about how I was looking. My girlfriends are going to take me out to rock that dress when I lose a few more pounds. And I thought of him that. I'm on a roll now down almost 20 lbs. He was real quiet after a that. Asked me about paint colors (we exchanged kids at Lowe's) and then I parted ways on a positive note.

[Sherman333]

Keep it up!!!

I like you had an abusive relationship (W is an emotional abuser). Something else you need to consider is why do you want to be with someone that scared you so much? What do you want your kids to learn? Are you seeing a IC to sort through this? If not, I'd recommend it.

[Zelda09]

NCS,

I understand. All of us deep down want reconciliation, but with the abuse, there's another element to it - a strange kind of addiction to the ups they provide after the downs. Have you seen an IC for this, your past?

Not to read into your journey, but I've recently discovered how "well-adjusted" and over achieving can be their own coping mechanisms.

Let me share some questions from my IC, for you:

1. If you can get through this and reconcile, what makes you think things will be different? (Not hope)

2. What in you keeps seeking to blame yourself or fix this? Why?

I am worried that in your letter to him, you are virtually begging and promising to be the one to change. That you mention taking care of his back on your insurance immediately after discovering thousands of dollars gambled, he's left you, and you're worried about taking care of him.

I'm sorry, so sorry, for the years invested. I haven't traveled such a long road, nor with kids, so I can only imagine. But why wish to throw good years after bad, when he's given no indication of wanting to change and be with you?

Just honest questions for you. Big hugs.

[NLS]

Zelda09,

Abuse... Mainly it was emotional like Sherman333. We would argue and he would call me names, awful ones too. The problem is that it wasn't like that until things really started going down hill. I would pinpoint that back to 2006 right after his first emotional affair with his ex-childhood friend and girlfriend who lives in CA. Probably why it never got physical though if they were closer I know they would have.

That type of betrayal hurts so much. Just as much as the actual deed of cheating on someone. And after that let's just say I was not a nice person and I know that played into the dynamics of our relationship a lot. The less I did cause I was angry, betrayed, and hurt the worse our relationship was. By 2009, things were really getting bad (you all know that this doesn't happen overnight, it is usually years in the making and most often at least 5) and he was caught in another emotional affair. It started out of course innocent, he was upset when he came into the bank about one of our arguments and she having done business with him for years asked him if he was alright that something seemed off. He started talking to her about our problems so he could get a "woman's perspective". After a few months of talking back and forth across the counter, she was getting ready to quit her job to be a stay at home mom. Daycare costs apparently were killing them and most of her paycheck went toward those so her and her husband (also having marital problems) decided maybe she could stay at home and save them some money and that would give her more time to spend with the kids and her husband. So when she left they exchanged phone numbers. I don't know if there was anything wrong about that relationship other than he hid it from me. I didn't get the feeling that it was more than friendship but in my mind, I didn't care. If he was hiding it then something was wrong about the relationship. It took me a long time to realize that my continued reaction to the 2006 emotional affair was why he decided not to tell me about it. And it was innocent from what I can tell from the text messages that I did read (ones he showed me and others that I recovered, I'm in IT there isn't much that you can erase that I can't retrieve).

In defense of his 2006 emotional affair. Let me paint a picture for you. I started full-time in May of 2004 on my BS degree. I had quit my full-time decent paying job to go to school full-time. I had always wanted to go to school and my husband wanted me to be able to make more money so he didn't have to work so hard. I went in with a plan to graduate with a BS in computer science with a minor in marketing in 2 years. My advisor thought I was nuts but he let me try. My first summer semester I took 6 classes. Most people take maybe 2-3 classes. Then in the Fall, I had 22 credit hours and the spring 23 credits... and so on. I took a part time job at Home Depot to pay for my car payment, gas, and books not covered by my financial aid and loans. My last semester was January 2006 and by that time, I was really ready to be done and I had really leaned on my husband a lot. He helped cook, clean, took care of kids when I needed to do homework or study, etc. My last semester, I had 24 credit hours, an internship, a work study where I worked 20 hours a week, and I still worked part time usually around 30-35 hours a week at the home depot. I was swamped. I maintained that last semester on no-doze to the point I was sure that I really needed to buy stock in the company. I was working hard to get through school and ended up graduating with a triple major all in computer science: information systems, internet and web technology, and database administration. All that I had put into getting my degree in as little time as possible took time away from my family. My husband and I barely maintained a conversation because I was always busy doing something and what little time I did have was usually spent with the kids leaving no time for my husband and I. Looking back, I honestly don't blame him for reaching out to his old friend after she called out of the blue. That is my acceptance and healing. You have to acknowledge the issues you had in a situation and you have to evaluate your own role in those issues. That is the only way to truly forgive and to learn from your mistakes.

From there, I just stopped everything. This was also about the time that my pain started in my abdomen. I had already had my gall bladder removed and my kidneys, liver everything else was good. But something was definitely going on in my reproductive organs. They went in with the intention to take out my fallopian tubes and ended up also cutting away endometriosis too.

Pain associated with that was so bad. There were days when it was at its worst usually around ovulation and the days that proceeded it leading up to my monthly period that I could barely walk, stand, sit, sleep... It was awful. This pain went on for two years because I couldn't get through to my husband. I had spent so many years pushing him away that now that I needed him he didn't want anything to do with me. I can't really answer why it took him so long to realize that I really needed the surgery. I can say that I told him what I needed but it didn't really sink in until I made him go to an appointment with me. I finally had the surgery not too long ago. They removed both tubes and a good deal of my uterus due to the endometriosis. I still don't understand why they didn't just take the whole thing.

But being out of pain, it helped me to see a lot of things much more clearly. But by then, so much damage had been done in our relationship and I had gained so much weight that I was overwhelmed with what I needed to do and just didn't know where to start at all.

But as for physical, in over 12 years of marriage and altogether 15 years he never laid a hand on me. And he didn't in that last argument either he went to swing at me and diverted and punched his fist into his own palm. In front of my face... So yes, it scared me. I thought for sure he would hit me. And if we kept fighting like we were it was going to be inevitable.

Yes, I am seeing an IC. Between the DB stuff and the IC, it has been an interesting journey. So, you ask why I keep holding on and why I still want to reconcile and that is why.

The IC helped me find a starting point. I started with overhauling the food in the house. I had gotten so lazy that most of what was in the house was prepackaged, boxed, etc. I started with eating healthy again.

The next thing I did was walk away when arguments turned to name calling before I said stuff that I would regret. It didn't always happen this way I would sometimes fall into the trap but I would say at least 90% of the time, I would go for a walk, take a drive, etc.

I was really trying. I had a plan for the first time in years to save myself and my marriage. That one fight was a breaking point because never have I ever been scared it would turn physical. My first relationship was very physically abusive. It didn't take me long to get away (almost a year and a half) and I vowed I would never let it get to that point in a relationship again. That fight brought back all those ugly memories. I couldn't fathom letting my relationship get to the point that my first relationship was at from the start. I had an IC after that relationship to help me work through the actual physical abuse in that relationship.

The argument with my husband before I asked him to leave. It was just like what it was like in the beginning of my relationship with my daughter's father the only difference being I had such low self esteem and no hope for a future when I met him and this time around, I knew from that experience that as soon as it escalates to that point if something doesn't change and quick it will turn physically ugly. Maybe it wouldn't have but after my first experience, I was not willing to try it.

We hashed through our assets, we both were upset at times but it wasn't like the arguing we used to have. I know a lot of that is because I tried to approach this as an opportunity for a 180. I don't think I succeeded though only time will tell. I don't think there were times because I lost my cool a little a few times. I had to take a walk around the garden several times before I really came unglued. But we were able to sit at the kitchen table together and hash out all the finances.

This morning, I paid him a compliment. I thanked him for his generosity in leaving me this house. He is keeping our lake house vacation home and I am keeping this house. This house is the stable home my 16 year old daughter grew up in and the only home that our 6 year old knows. But this house was bought in 1997 by my husband and he spent the last almost 18 years working his butt off to renovate it and pay it off. I helped do a lot of that but ultimately it was his house long before it was mine.

Maybe it is hard to understand, but with my IC I am working through a lot of why things happened what my part was in it and I'm discovering that I am not faultless by any means. He may not want to realize his part in this mess and he certainly isn't willing to work on it but I can at least appreciate the healing that I am getting by coming to these realizations. Before I kicked him out of the house all I could think was well if he had just done X we wouldn't be here and now I have shifted my thinking because I now know had I of done better regardless of the circumstances then we wouldn't be here today.

[NLS]

So we spent Sunday, Easter, reviewing and dividing assets. His original paperwork filed was something else. A joke even. It made me mad that he even signed it. It took me a few to get past that. I took a walk outside and came back in ready to get down to business.

I challenged several of his numbers and instead of suggesting a number I let him suggest first. This was good for me because what I was thinking was higher than his on most of the items. I had to step away to think on several occasions because when I would says something about a value he put on something he would get peeved so I stepped away so I wouldn't say anything ugly and so that I didn't have to sit there and hear the ugly.

I was not as prepared as he was when thinking about the division of assets. I told him to let me mull over a few things this afternoon and I would let him know if I forgot anything. He also asked for the extra fridge we have downstairs and I told him that I would think about that as well.

Later that afternoon, I realized we forgot to include the apple MacBook pro ($3000 laptop we bought last year) in the division of assets. I was asking that we split 1500$ for the asset. He flew off the deep end a little calling me greedy and a lot worse. My favorite lying cheating whore... That one is his standby. Funny cause I wasn't the one who sought out others in our relationship. Anyway, the name calling got to me and I lost my cool a little. I'm sure that did not work in my favor at all.

However, this morning, I made it a point to pick at least one thing that he was being generous about and I actually came up with two things.

First, we split the houses. He is getting the lake house and I am getting the primary residence. He bought this house in 1997 and we didn't get married until 2003. So, I thought it would be nice to compliment him on his generosity. I told him I knew that he worked hard for it and I hated that he was losing it despite the fact that it is for the best interest of the kids. I told him his kindness was not being unnoticed.

The second thing I did was about the cat. He had a cat coming into this marriage and the cat is around 17 years old maybe a bit older. He doesn't get around as much and I know he loves this cat. So, I told him it was selfless of him to decide to leave the cat. That he probably would not have adjusted well to the new environment and if he decided to get an apartment to stay in closer to his work that it would have been hard on the cat to longer be able to roam wild and free. I thanked him for entrusting his care to me and that I would make sure he was well taken care of and comfortable for however much longer he was here.

Today, I am just emotionally drained and not sure that I have much to offer anybody.

On the plus side, I went out dancing with friends Friday. Had a spectacular time too. And then Saturday we went to a Easter BBQ at a friends house. The kids ran wild and had such a good time and it was great interacting with other people my age that I was not related to. That was my first BBQ since 2008 maybe even 2007. And the date night with the girls, well that was the first in over 12 years. I didn't realize how much I was missing these things. I was in a great mood Saturday and up until the negotiations, I was in a great mood too.

Been slacking a little on charting my food and exercise this weekend. Time to get back on track with that too.

[NLS]

Out of the blue he calls me this am. He sounds down asks me how I am holding up. I stay positive and let him know I am doing fine. In return, I ask him how he is doing and he responds not so well. I'm just tired of the driving and just ready for this to all be over with.

I don't even recall how I responded but it was with empathy. Later in the day today, I was thinking about how down he was so I sent him a quick text. It was probably dumb and I should just leave him alone but that is hard to do when you care deeply for someone. And the problem is I still care and still love him.

I told him that despite everything, he was an amazing man and father and you were an amazing husband. Things will get better. We are both stressed right now but I wanted him to know just cause there are some bad things it doesn't take away from the many more good things. I told him is a great person. He seemed down this morning so he needed to cheer up, he would find happiness and a new equilibrium. I then suggested that he pick an activity that he enjoys but hasn't done in a while and just go do it. That it would make a huge difference in his outlook.

I'm feeling lost... Over 12 years of marriage and over 15.5 years together is hard to give up. But I'm staying positive in front of the spouse and I'm doing things I enjoy. I signed up for a social club (yes it is for singles) not so that I could go find a new husband but so that I have something to do when the kids visit with him and so I can do things I enjoy doing and meet other people who like what I do as well. It has been too long since I have had any type of adult interaction that didn't include colleagues at work or my spouse. I need something to do that is wholesome and fun and quite frankly bars aren't it. But going to a baseball game, competing in a trivia night, horseback riding, murder mystery dinner theatre, salsa dancing, and possibly even rock climbing all sound like so much fun. Like things that I have always wanted to do but couldn't because my spouse didn't want to do them or didn't want to do them with me.

I'm looking forward to attending my first event soon just don't know which one it will be yet. In the meantime, I'm doing what I have to do because my husband wants a divorce and following the advice of GAL and communicating mainly as needed. I'm back to tracking what I eat and exercising more like I should be and I haven't gained anything and am on track to lose again this week even though I have slacked some.

I don't know if I am doing the right things to bring him around to halting the divorce but I'm also not going to sit around crying myself sick. I want to be the fun-loving, social person that I was when we met. I enjoyed doing things and I enjoyed being around other people. Somewhere along the line it became less about what made me happy and more about what I thought made everyone else happy.

I was pleasantly surprised by the phone call seeing as it was at 4:30 am. Interesting time to call and have a chat. But it absolutely made the rest of my day positive and maybe that is why I felt like returning the favor and letting him know he isn't such a bad guy. I may not approve of his resolution to our issues but I don't have to throw a fit cause all that does is make me look like an ass. Maybe he comes around, maybe he doesn't. I'd rather he did but I keep asking myself if he did would I have to go back to being my unhappy anti-social self or would I be able to embrace my active outgoing loving self again? I know that if I have to keep giving up what makes me well ME and what makes me happy, that I wouldn't be able to do this that I would be the one who filed next time. He has to want to do things because it makes me happy and he has to want it to work as much as I do and then he has to work just as hard as I do to make it work.