Its up to you what you do this weekend. Im going to see my wife and D8 on Sunday because I was invited for Easter tea and it will be nice for my d8. the following week she will be on holiday with wife for a week obviously without me. This is the longest I wont have seen her for.
Would I be going out clubbing with my wife? NO WAY!
would I maybe spend x hours with my wife and D8 as a family for sake of my D8? Yeah of course I will.
Separation? Sorry is it you or your wife who is planning on moving? If it you then just start. Get somewhere to go, make a list of what you need to get you to that place. If its your wife then don't let her slack on it because she will she wont want to go. Keep the pressure on that she needs to go if that is what you have agreed. Set a date she needs to be out by. Get your finances sorted. Do your children know?
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
"If I haven't come across this board, I'd probably have forgiven her for meeting with OM and praticed more patience for her recovery."
First of all, you shouldn't blame the board. You haven't read the books so you are applying the DB principles incorrectly and are not taking the advice given in the context they are supposed to be taken based on the books.
"I'm now pushing her towards the OM and I have to focus on a future without her."
That was your decision. No one told her to issue her an ultimatum. That was all on you.
Could you have survived this? Absolutely. And you still can.
The bottom line is that what's done is done. She couldn't break her ties, and it's on her. What are you going to do with yourself from here on out? Are you going to change?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
hey Separation? Sorry is it you or your wife who is planning on moving? If it you then just start. Get somewhere to go, make a list of what you need to get you to that place. If its your wife then don't let her slack on it because she will she wont want to go. Keep the pressure on that she needs to go if that is what you have agreed. Set a date she needs to be out by. Get your finances sorted. Do your children know?
Yes separation. I don't know how else I should have handled the situation last night.
I mean, my W was the one who wanted to reconcile a month ago, after I did the 180 on her. I let her back to easily though, and she staying in touch with him. But at least there were no more sleep overs and night outs.
But yesterday I found out that they met for lunch. After confronting her, she said things like she just can't let him go, and I should just turn a blind eye to those quick meetings and texting.
I countered with, "well if u can't let him go then we might as well go separate ways, cause I'm not willing to be part of an open M".
Our talk last night didn't last that long, but I basically said she needs to move out soon. And so she agreed, she's gonna move at the OMs place.
And today, just one day after our talk, she's already spending the night at OMs place... uuuughhhhhh.... I don't know if I messed up or if I should have responded differently last night.
What do u think?
We're planning to tell the kids this weekend.
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
"If I haven't come across this board, I'd probably have forgiven her for meeting with OM and praticed more patience for her recovery."
First of all, you shouldn't blame the board. You haven't read the books so you are applying the DB principles incorrectly and are not taking the advice given in the context they are supposed to be taken based on the books.
"I'm now pushing her towards the OM and I have to focus on a future without her."
That was your decision. No one told her to issue her an ultimatum. That was all on you.
Could you have survived this? Absolutely. And you still can.
The bottom line is that what's done is done. She couldn't break her ties, and it's on her. What are you going to do with yourself from here on out? Are you going to change?
I didn't mean to blame the board at all. I just read many advices where I thought I had to set this firm boundary. From what I've picked up here is that W is losing respect and if I would have forgive her and moved on again, she would just continue what she was doing. Also theory's like a WAW needs space and the feeling of losing the LBS to get out of the fog, made me respond to her like that. Man I don't know...
Anyway, I actually got DB and DR today. I'm gonna read DR tonight, as W isn't at home.
I'm def going to change. I wanna become a better version for myself. But I'm still struggling about my situation with the W and what I want. Do I want to move on and focus on a future without her, or do I want her to come back begging for R. Every time she spends a night at the OMs place, she turns me off more and more. But then when I see her and she's acting all sweet and nice it makes me forget her "mistakes".
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
Every time she spends a night at the OMs place, she turns me off more and more. But then when I see her and she's acting all sweet and nice it makes me forget her "mistakes".
If that's all it takes for you to change course, then I would suggest that you dig deeper to find out what your core values and "dealbreakers" truly are.
You've stated your supposedly non-negotiable boundary to her ("I will not live in an open marriage") and she basically just took a dump on it.
You're right Starsky. I really need to think it through about what my dealbreakers are.
Before this A happened I always told myself, if I catch my W just having a harmless fling with some guy I'd leave her.
It's probably because of the kids, and knowing I can be a better husband to her, plus the mess of going through a divorce somehow makes me able to forgive her things.
I'm still confused. But yes, it should be a dealbreaker. I'm just thinking ahead. If some months from now, she'll come back begging, will I be able to take her back? I don't know?
Would there have been another way I could have responded last night, without initiating the separation talk?
But what happened happened. From our talk last night my W knows that the fact she's not willing to let go of OM is a dealbreaker for me. She dumped on it, so be it.
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
"Responses" are grossly overrated. I can assure you that nothing you said -- or COULD have said -- affected her 5% in either direction.
It is your ACTIONS (and your lack of them) that she is taking note of, and learning from, and basing some of her decisions on. But mostly, it's all HER journey, not yours.
It's not about stopping her. She will do what she wants. It's what you will do to not allow it to be in your life. You can't force her to do anything. You can only control you.
If she won't stop seeing OM, and it's a boundary you have declared, you have to take a stand by doing things to block its affect on YOU. Like cutting off financial support of the A, etc. She can't have you and the OM and your actions have to show that.
To bring her back you may have to let her go and GAL for yourself. Be someone only a fool would leave. Focus on improving You, not her response.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
It's not about stopping her. She will do what she wants. It's what you will do to not allow it to be in your life. You can't force her to do anything. You can only control you.
If she won't stop seeing OM, and it's a boundary you have declared, you have to take a stand by doing things to block its affect on YOU. Like cutting off financial support of the A, etc. She can't have you and the OM and your actions have to show that.
To bring her back you may have to let her go and GAL for yourself. Be someone only a fool would leave. Focus on improving You, not her response.
You may NOT be able to bring her back. Let her go live with the OM.
