Being deceived by WAW, in need of some coaching

[Ontheup]

My wife asked for "space" hahah. Obviously I know what that means now. I didn't want to move out but if I didn't she would have and financially I couldnt afford to be in marital home. The kicker is that she wanted me to move back to our other house which is about 500yrds from our marital home and where we used to live. Again my wife was trying to control what I do. I thought about this for a couple of weeks and then made the decision. No Way! If im moving out it Is on my own terms. I got legal advice made sure I was ok and got myself somewhere to rent that I wanted to live in and would work for my daughter as well.
Yes ideally I wouldn't have moved and would have forced my wife to. Consequences? well im no longer dancing to her tune. I've let her go. Im not around to do all the household stuff like i used to. I didn't give her any grand speeches about it but ive just pulled right back. Im not at this point interested in R.
There's not a slight chance she will miss you, she will definitely miss you. Of course she will. You've been together a long time, its doesn't just disappear overnight. She wont show it though so don't expect it. My wife still shows moments of missing me.
I presume my wife is still having her affair? I don't actually know and at this point I don't really care. Maybe they are destined to be together forever soul mate schmoopies (Teenage lifestyle romance)
Has your wife got one foot back in the marriage or is she just cake eating? I would say cake eating. Affair partners only feed certain needs. Usually not very many. You and family feed the rest so yeah she will want to keep it all going. How flattering 2 men fighting over her. You know what F@ck that. I, you, anyone are worth more than the scraps that get thrown our way.
You cannot control your wife. You can control yourself. If your wife wants to return to the marriage then she will do so and others on here will be able to help with what you do then. I am not nor may ever be at that point.
My point is, I have gained some self respect by quitting all the pursuing behaviour. I am not scared anymore. What can she do to me? I will be just fine on my own and at some point with someone else. I've already had female attention when ive been out which does wonders to make you feel like you are worth more.
I got tired of being kicked around. Been made to feel like I was plan B. So I removed that option.

[Heart14]

I want to take care of them because I love my kids and I want to
be there for them in this difficult situation. But I'm not sure if I can handle it right away, without a proper healing.
As you said I need to focus on myself to be happy.
I believe for me to be happy and move forward I need this time out to get back up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying. What kind of time do you think you need away in orer to heal? I get taking a week or a weekend to refresh and get in a better mindset. My concern is that you are planning to leave for a much longer amount of time. IMO, that is showing your children that when things get tough you won't be there when they need you. Is that really what you want them to remember about this ugly time in your M?

The thing is, her actions and attitude is telling me she's got at least one foot back in the M.
If there's a part of her who wants to save it and I do too, then I shouldn't let her go just yet.

There isn't a lot of motivation for her to change when she can keep one foot with you and one foot with the OM. All this does is show her you are a suitable backup plan if things don't work out with him.

DB'ing is very counterintuitive. Often what feels right to you is what pushes your S further out the door. It's about changing yourself, not your S. Usually your S does change also, but you have to be strong enough to do it first. Do the hard work and you'll reap the benefits whether your M survives or not.

I think when I move out, there's a slight chance she will miss me around the house and she may come to her senses and attempt to reconcile for good.

Nothing you do or say will force her to come to her senses. You cannot control her. She will come to her own conclusions. The more you let go and show her that you are not waiting around to be her Plan B, the more she will miss you. You have to show her through action that you are a man only a fool would leave. She has to truly feel like you are moving on with your life, with or without her. Have you read Sandi2's recent threads in Newcomers? They are filled with lots of good insight into a WAW and what needs to happen before true reconciliation is possible.

But if she moves out, she'll probably live out her teenage life style. I don't see the romance between them to wear off anytime soon. It will. But not soon enough.
Therefore making any chances of us reconciling a lot more
slimmer.

You cannot control how long the A lasts. Most have to run their own course. Right now she's living in fantasy land. The fog has to lift and reality had to set in before she will choose to work on the M. That will not be on your timeline.

Honestly, if the A is not something you feel you can ever forgive, you should let her go. You will both be miserable if you don't.

[skr4luv]

Mr Bond, I ordered the books but they haven't arrived yet. I live in Europe, but the books were sent from the US. So it takes a lil while.

Ontheup, thanks for the kinds words. I'm glad everything is working out for the better for you.
I know I will get there as well. I'm just trying to be cautious by not making the wrong moves.

[skr4luv]

I want to take care of them because I love my kids and I want to
be there for them in this difficult situation. But I'm not sure if I can handle it right away, without a proper healing.
As you said I need to focus on myself to be happy.
I believe for me to be happy and move forward I need this time out to get back up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying. What kind of time do you think you need away in orer to heal? I get taking a week or a weekend to refresh and get in a better mindset. My concern is that you are planning to leave for a much longer amount of time. IMO, that is showing your children that when things get tough you won't be there when they need you. Is that really what you want them to remember about this ugly time in your M?

No, i was thinking 2-3 months. We moved here in 2010. Unlike my
W, I had a harder time adjusting to this. I know I had to change my attitude and I did a year or so ago. But the fact remains that I have a lot of friends and relatives in the old country that can help me get through this. There are also plently of opportunities to detach and GAL. Lots of things that would help me get through this letting go process.
But here I'm basically alone.
I mean, I did meet new friends here, but I don't have a really
deep connection with any of them. All I do is work and after
that I'm too tired to do anything else.

I have a very good relationship with my sons, especially S8.
If I tell them I need some time to heal and I promise I will
be back to take care of them, I really believe they will
understand.

I'm still torn about this plan though.

The thing is, her actions and attitude is telling me she's got at least one foot back in the M.
If there's a part of her who wants to save it and I do too, then I shouldn't let her go just yet.

There isn't a lot of motivation for her to change when she can keep one foot with you and one foot with the OM. All this does is show her you are a suitable backup plan if things don't work out with him.

DB'ing is very counterintuitive. Often what feels right to you is what pushes your S further out the door. It's about changing yourself, not your S. Usually your S does change also, but you have to be strong enough to do it first. Do the hard work and you'll reap the benefits whether your M survives or not.

Ok, so regarding the change I need to do.
Pre Affair, I would usually come home late, drained from work.
Not much energy to communicate with my W or do much around the
house. Those are things she mentioned before she admitted she
had an A.
I've improved on those things. Not for her but also for me.

When she doesn't prove she can be 100% faithful I will go
dark and detach, but for that to have the desired effect,
I think I should first show her the opposite.

I think when I move out, there's a slight chance she will miss me around the house and she may come to her senses and attempt to reconcile for good.

Nothing you do or say will force her to come to her senses. You cannot control her. She will come to her own conclusions. The more you let go and show her that you are not waiting around to be her Plan B, the more she will miss you. You have to show her through action that you are a man only a fool would leave. She has to truly feel like you are moving on with your life, with or without her. Have you read Sandi2's recent threads in Newcomers? They are filled with lots of good insight into a WAW and what needs to happen before true reconciliation is possible.

Yes, I've been following Sandi's new threads and it has been very helpful to understand the wayward state of mind.

But if she moves out, she'll probably live out her teenage life style. I don't see the romance between them to wear off anytime soon. It will. But not soon enough.
Therefore making any chances of us reconciling a lot more
slimmer.

You cannot control how long the A lasts. Most have to run their own course. Right now she's living in fantasy land. The fog has to lift and reality had to set in before she will choose to work on the M. That will not be on your timeline.

Honestly, if the A is not something you feel you can ever forgive, you should let her go. You will both be miserable if you don't.

I'm able to forgive her for what happened in the past.
But I don't know if I can still forgive her if she continues.
Because we reached a point where I agreed to separate
and she was to one who asked for another chance.
Obviously I let her back too easily, as it was discussed
in Sandi's thread.
The texting bothers me but if I find out she went to his
place again where they obviously have sex... then I'm going to
initiate separation talks.

[skr4luv]

Things are about to change.

Yesterday was her last day of work at the office and today she's
transferring to a new location.
Knowing she had almost nothing to do on her last day of work,
I checked the car mileage the day before. Last night when I came
home I saw that the mileage increased by 50km . Her office is
only about 5km away, so I was sure she went somewhere.

She was in a good mood when she saw me. Kissed me as I walked
in and even handed me a present (a special coffee mug).
After the kids went to sleep I calmly asked her where she went.
Of course she denied it at first, insisting she only went to
work, but later admitted she met OM for lunch at the mall.

So I told her this isn't going anywhere, I'm not willing to
share her with anyone.
She said, she thinks that everything is working fine between
us if I would just let those things go and look away.
I said I don't wanna get played and I'm tired of her lying, we might as well split now.
First she expressed some concerns that she doesn't want me to get depressed and have everyone blaming her for that.
I assured her that won't happen, that I will be able to move
on in time.
She again said something about having a hard time letting
go of OM, that her feelings are too strong for him.
She understands that taking a time off will help me go thru
it. I made it a point that I'm going to stay with the kids
when I get back and also suggested that she can already move
away, even go to the OM, as long as I'm still here (have to
work for two more months after resignation).

This whole situation is making me feel uneasy and sad to be honest. I wanted it to work out, and I thought she was
making baby steps towards the same goal. If I haven't come across this board, I'd probably have forgiven her for meeting with OM and praticed more patience for her recovery.
I'm now pushing her towards the OM and I have to focus on
a future without her. I'm unsure how to act around her now.
Should I be indifferent and upbeat, as if I'm already
moving on. Or express how disappointed I truly am that she
couldn't let go of OM?

[skr4luv]

Before we had the discussion last night we already planned how we're going to spend this holyweek. We wanted to bring the kids to the parents and go out clubbing Thursday night, go away for Friday and Saturday with the kids and Sunday she wanted to get a little tattoo from an artist who's a friend of mine, who will do it for a friendly price.

Now after everything that we talked about last night, would it make sense for us to still do all that? Or is it time to go dark and tell her the plans are off?

At the moment I'm really confused. I still want to save the marriage, but I don't want to be plan B.
The way I reacted last night about her lunch with OM, I pushed to end our "reconciliation" which will enable her A even more.

[Ontheup]

SK

Sorry to here that but you are not defining any boundaries for your wife. She says she wants to keep seeing the other man, her feelings are too strong , soul mates, schmoopies blah blah but wants you as her buddy and to be ok with it!! Plan B

So your either going to let her keep walking all over you having her huge slice of cake and gauging on it right in your face. By the way that will go on for as long as you allow it and/or until she gets bored (she may never) of him which could be years by which time she will have lost all respect for you completely.

Or you can say and commit to im not prepared to be treated like this any longer, you love the other man so much I think you should be with him. Lets move foreword with separating.

She is taking the p!ss out of you at the moment because she can because you are allowing her to.
Its super hard I know. I am going through the same sh!t. I have woke up though and realised I am better and deserve more than the scraps my wife was throwing me. If she wants to go....Let her go. You'll be great again with or without her.

Be strong for your kids. Be a great dad and that means not allowing yourself to be walked all over.
What are you scared of? Losing her? she's already gone. she went a long time ago, you just didn't realise it. Its the same for everyone on here. They don't just wake up one day and think "oh ill have and affair" she will have been unhappy for a long time but instead of speaking to you (or maybe she did but you didn't listen) she has eventually moved on and now met someone else. Its the same every time. My story is exactly the same. I wasn't there for her, she got too close to someone else next minute they're in love, he's her soul mate, lovey dovey, floaty clouds, fairies the works.
Trying to nice her out of the affair will not nor has ever worked.


How to act? Just be normal. Friendly, confident funny upbeat. don't act like a complete aloof idiot or she will just see straight through it. It is going to be super hard.

We all come here wanting to save our marriages but at the moment it seems it is only you who feels like that? she may want to stay in the marriage, the security , family time etc. but on her terms e.g. still seeing OM
Don't show disappointment, its just shows you as being needy = pursuing = weak which she will prey on.

Are you prepared to share her with someone else?

[Starsky309]

SK

Sorry to here that but you are not defining any boundaries for your wife. She says she wants to keep seeing the other man, her feelings are too strong , soul mates, schmoopies blah blah but wants you as her buddy and to be ok with it!! Plan B

So your either going to let her keep walking all over you having her huge slice of cake and gauging on it right in your face. By the way that will go on for as long as you allow it and/or until she gets bored (she may never) of him which could be years by which time she will have lost all respect for you completely.

Or you can say and commit to im not prepared to be treated like this any longer, you love the other man so much I think you should be with him. Lets move foreword with separating.

She is taking the p!ss out of you at the moment because she can because you are allowing her to.
Its super hard I know. I am going through the same sh!t. I have woke up though and realised I am better and deserve more than the scraps my wife was throwing me. If she wants to go....Let her go. You'll be great again with or without her.

Be strong for your kids. Be a great dad and that means not allowing yourself to be walked all over.
What are you scared of? Losing her? she's already gone. she went a long time ago, you just didn't realise it. Its the same for everyone on here. They don't just wake up one day and think "oh ill have and affair" she will have been unhappy for a long time but instead of speaking to you (or maybe she did but you didn't listen) she has eventually moved on and now met someone else. Its the same every time. My story is exactly the same. I wasn't there for her, she got too close to someone else next minute they're in love, he's her soul mate, lovey dovey, floaty clouds, fairies the works.
Trying to nice her out of the affair will not nor has ever worked.


How to act? Just be normal. Friendly, confident funny upbeat. don't act like a complete aloof idiot or she will just see straight through it. It is going to be super hard.

We all come here wanting to save our marriages but at the moment it seems it is only you who feels like that? she may want to stay in the marriage, the security , family time etc. but on her terms e.g. still seeing OM
Don't show disappointment, its just shows you as being needy = pursuing = weak which she will prey on.

Are you prepared to share her with someone else?

BINGO.





Starsky

[skr4luv]

Thanks for dropping by.

Maybe I didn't write it clearly.
I stated my boundary (not wanting to live in an open M) and I suggested to separate, and she agreed. We still have to discuss the details, but I already told her I want her out soon.

You're right, I shouldn't show any weakness.
What about the plans that we made for this coming extended weekend? Should I cancel them? Or act like I'm upbeat and indifferent to the whole separation thing, that we can still go on this family trip and go out clubbing like we planned last week?

[Starsky309]

I would suggest you keep a couple of commitments with the kids, including Easter Sunday, but not do any of the "clubbing" or stuff that would be solely you and your wife.

Can you line up some alternate plans with some friends?


Starsky