Okay, it looks like no one is going to put my old thread out of it’s misery so I’m biting the bullet and starting a new one. Welcome one and all!!
I’m 40 H is 41. (M #2 for him, #1 for me)
Married 12 years. Three cats, no kids (by choice).
I teach psychology at a local University, H’s job has been “restructured” so he is currently unemployed. White collar professional.
Up until Aug of ’02, I would have rated our marriage at a 7/10. Shows what I knew!
We had ups and downs, arguments, issues surrounding my sarcasm, controllingness, perfectionism, anxiety (which were much bigger than I knew). Issues with physical intimacy, with me wanting more, H offering less.
Nothing dire, or so I thought. I’d bought marriage books, mentioned counselling a couple of years ago…H didn’t seem all that interested.
August 22 '02 ….Three weeks after I have kidney surgery H comes home from a 2 hour trip to the beer store looking distant and depressed. I press ( ) and he admits to wanting a D! Talk about 2X4, I thought he was going to say the job had finally gotten to him!
My world falls apart, I ask, he says there “is” no OW. Was there? Yes, a one time only dinner and kiss on a business trip. He thought he was in love. I am crushed, beyond hurt. All of my anger disappears under a swirling vortex of self-loathing and despair.
Aug 25 ’02 , took H to our doctor, we both start on antidepressants, Xanax for me as well. H takes sick leave from work. I think we’re “working on things”, I assure him that leaving his job is fine with me. H is uncertain. He loves me but…is not IN love with me, you know the drill.
Things are good/bad, up/down, VERY uncertain and odd for months. H is going out to bars without me, staying out late, I’m not sure who I’m married to anymore.
Sept ’02 I buy DR and find tremendous relief in the MLC and Depression chapters. Start Dbing (which I’d been doing since the bomb without realizing it)
We start MC, (H promises to put 100% into repairing our M) which turns into private C for H. Things seemed to be going well for us, I thought his depression needed attention most. Dumb.
” Nov 27th ’02, “Bomb #2 OW calls our house. Message I hear is “H, I don’t care if Shiny hears this, are you moving here or not!”
I pick up,. H tries to hang up the phone. OW and I have a loooong talk. Seems they met on a chat line about 18 months earlier. She’s the second OW he met there. EA’s turned to PA’s in both cases. All supposed “business trips”.
He’s told her an astonishing array of lies. Here’s a small sampling: we are separated, he’s moved out, our house is for sale, I’ve cheated on him, I won’t give him sex……
She e-mails me his latest messages to her and some digital photos of herself, her kids, and the two of them together…He has a ticket to fly out there (across country), bought her a diamond ring….daggers to the heart, my head is spinning. My anger returns for the night.
H figures he’s lost us both. Next day she calls again, and they’re on again! More head spinning…Next day I talk to him, feels like a battle for good over evil, for his very soul. Something changes in him and he vows to keep his word, to no longer lie, to no longer be driven by fear, to stay in town whether our M can be salvaged or not. He tells her (with me in the room) that they shouldn’t see each other any more. I feel it is a weak ending, but take him at his word.
Dec ‘02 We see another therapist, once…a miserable, expensive waste. I pull back, give him space, start doing more things on my own. Wishing he would join me, asking him to. But made the big mistake of telling everyone what happened (he didn’t want to be seen as “true blue” when he wasn’t), making it uncomfortable for him to socialize.
Family and friends are united in supporting my decision to try to work things out. Can’t believe this behaviour of H, totally out of character, not who they thought he was.
No reassurances from H, he swears there’s been no further contact, but strange behaviour continues….long walks, (this is Canada in the winter) 2 hour “runs to the video store”. No Christmas gift for me.
Jan ’03 , we find another C. Much better. 1st session H reveals that he wants to try to work things out…I weep with relief. Much blame still rests on my past behaviours which H classifies as “abusive”, so hard to hear. I was unaware of the extent of the damage I was doing at the time. Have a much better appreciation now.
Things start looking better. STD tests clear, we resume intimacy, start talking again, start connecting. All the while, I’ve done major 180’s in a variety of areas, most notably the anger, sarcasm, “freaking out over small stuff”, anxiety is well in hand, I’m much more laid back, criticism is almost non-existent. Lots of internal and external changes I am proud of. And although H doubts it they are REAL!
Valentine’s day …lingerie and wine. Just a card from H, but a very nice evening.
Things are looking better and better….
February 25th '03: Bomb #3 . I wake up to another phone message (our machine is always on) from OW. This time she’s asking for our address. We talk again, she tell me that “this time” she’s breaking it off for real. And wants to send back the stuff H had sent/given to her (including family photos of his childhood).
My heart pounds, but it’s nowhere near the experience of Aug and Nov. Instead of “freaking out” and showing him the door (which H expected, and so too, probably would any sane person who doesn’t know about Dbing) I sit down and ask him to explain.
He does. Seems they were back in touch two days after their “break up” in Nov. She says he reached out to her, he says she called here while I was at work. Either way, it was back on. Since I now have the cell phone (which was my birthday gift to him), she calls while I’m at work, he uses phone cards on our fax line, or he goes out to use pay phones. And e-mail, of course.
She sends me more e-mails, including a booked (then cancelled) plane ticket, professions of deep love for her from H, more lies (me catching him packing), nick-names, sickening, hurtful words.
His rationale: Early on he tried to cut loose from her, but she insisted they maintain contact. She does appear to be very controlling and more than a bit scary. She’d moved back in with her H and 2 boys, and was still insisting on talking to my H. He finds out she’s been married 3X, has cheated before, slept with her FIL!
In late Jan, H tried to end it with her again (saying it wasn’t fair to me, or her H and kids ) but she threatened to send me e-mails. Then demanded $500. H sent it. Lied to me when I asked about the bank statement. The A continued.
H says his end was just trying to keep her quiet, hoping she’d find someone else and disappear from his life. She leaves her H and little boys again, tells my H all about the guys constantly trying to pick her up, starts dating someone.
Feb 24th ’03, my H calls her and says it HAS to end (her new boyfriend insisted she stop talking to H, but she was willing to go behind his back)…hence her call to our house the next morning.
She likely thought I’d kick him out, and he’d turn to her for solace. Clearly she knows nothing about DB!
We rejoice, celebrate having her out of our life. H is pleasantly shocked by my reaction.
March ’03 …ups and downs, trying to “piece” this M back together. Trust issues, trying to process all of the hurt, all of the incredible details. H projects his behaviours onto me and accuses me of “flirting” on the bb, private messaging etc.
… April ’03 We take a weekend trip together. Mostly good.
May ’03 We celebrate our 12th anniversary…I start a marathon of teaching.
… June ’03 I get off my lazy butt and start a fresh thread after 222 posts on my last one!
Think I’ll just end this here and beat everyone else to be the first poster on my new thread.
Hi everyone. I'm feeling more than a bit odd today. Rather restless, agitated, bored. Funny, it seems that when I don't have work occupying my mind, a rumbling of dissatisfaction creeps in.
I just can't help this feeling that things are going "back to usual" with H (CJ) and I. A year ago I would have leapt at the chance for this.
Now???? I wonder if it is enough. I feel like there are unanswered questions. And CJ if you're reading this, feel free to respond to some of these, PLEASE!
For example, I'm really not clear on why CJ decided to stay with me. He was SO sure he did not love me, or at least not "the way a husband should love a wife".
My question is "What has changed?". Because honestly, I don't really feel any more loved than I did before. I don't feel desired. I wonder if he is here mainly because OW showed her true colours and turned out to be a head case.
I asked CJ the other day how he was doing, how he was feeling. He said "Good". But he didn't return the question.
I feel rather numb. I'm working a lot, the days are flying by. Our physical intimacy is barely a blip on the screen.
I appreciate that he is doing LOTS of the work around the house and yard, most of the cooking. He's taken care of things like our medical insurance, all good stuff.
But I still feel something is missing.
I asked him yesterday why he doesn't seem to want to go out to the bars as much. (We had the option to join a pal, but both decided we'd rather go to a movie). I mentioned him going out 2 or 3 times a week several months ago.
He fixed on those numbers instead of answering the question. "I didn't go out 3 times a week!".
What I wanted to hear (and told him so) was "I don't feel the need to escape our home, I'm not as interested in that largely singles scene, I have more fun doing other stuff with you..."
So, as the title says "What do I want from life?" Good question...now to work on the answer...
shiny, it just takes time. the pain and confussion and anger just started to abate for me and it's been 15 monthes that we have been back together. it is good you can focus on the positives that you see. cj is showing love for you in his way.
my h's second ow was a head case too. very scary. i think it goes to show that there are always consequences for our actions, nobody ever gets away with anything for long!
Hey SB -- Gosh, your "history" says so much -- how much you and h have been thru together.
I hear you saying that things are back to the "usual" -- that you're not feeling more loved or desired than before all the bomb dropping -- maybe that's TOO much of the big picture? How impossible it would feel to try to attack ALL of that at once -- how to make a m. full of desire and passion and ....
what if you broke it down? what could happen this week? today? to make you feel as though something had changed/improved? what could YOU do to throw stuff into positive upheaval? shake things up a bit? what "something different" could you execute?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting lisakate32: my h's second ow was a head case too. very scary. i think it goes to show that there are always consequences for our actions, nobody ever gets away with anything for long! lisa
My ex-b's OW is a head case too. Completely. And if anything major happens with her, he is going to regret it - and the way everything happened already broke a lot of trust. But things do take time, unfortunately. It sounds like things aren't so bad, and just stepping in the right direction hopefully will help.
Hey SB. I too have been struggling with these issues. I'm not really sure how to handle them either. I suppose, for now, I've just come to the conclusion that I need to focus on my W's actions and hopefully, over time, the other things I feel are missing will come together. For me it's mostly about trust, I think. It's like I'm M to a stranger that I have to get to know and trust again. Perhaps that's how you feel? And we all know it takes a long time to REALLY trust someone.
Is it a matter of patience again? Who knows...but what choice do we have for now? Sorry to sound so negative. I'm trying to get my own bearings right now...
And you didn't sound negative to me Jethro. Thanks for the kick in the A$$, Sage. You're right, I'm whining, but not really doing much MYSELF to push things in a better direction. Point well taken.
For me, the weird thing is I can go for days not even really remembering the horror of this last year. I don't know if that's good or bad.
Part of me wants to keep it close (part of the reason I hang on to the "evidence") so that I don't forget the enormity of what was done to me. Why would I NOT want to forget? So that I don't allow it to happen again, I suppose. I don't really know. Perhaps to remind CJ at some point of the incredible nature of most of it? I feel sometimes that he has forgotten and put this behind him rather easily. I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get sometimes.
Okay: Three positives for today
1) CJ got on the phone first thing this morning to change one of our cable channels to a 24 hour medical station (something I'd mentioned a while ago)
2) CJ was called for an interview for a part time job
3) I found some cool shorts and a nice pair of pants...all very inexpensive!
4) Oh yeah! Blood tests show NO thyroid problems
But now I have nothing to blame the weight gain on!
Guess I'll just have to get my butt in gear the old fashioned way...sigh...
Quoting shinybear: Thanks for the kick in the A$$, Sage. You're right, I'm whining, but not really doing much MYSELF to push things in a better direction. Point well taken.
Hey -- did I say you were whining??? I just had my DB hat screwed on really tightly yesterday so I was being "solution oriented" PLUS, your post helped me see that I was a bit mired in the "everything has to be fixed all at once" stance myself....
Quote: For me, the weird thing is I can go for days not even really remembering the horror of this last year. I don't know if that's good or bad.
Ahhhhh...that sounds like heaven to me! But...I know what you mean by....
Quote: Part of me wants to keep it close (part of the reason I hang on to the "evidence") so that I don't forget the enormity of what was done to me. Why would I NOT want to forget? So that I don't allow it to happen again, I suppose. I don't really know. Perhaps to remind CJ at some point of the incredible nature of most of it? I feel sometimes that he has forgotten and put this behind him rather easily. I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get sometimes.
I was re-reading my journal a few days ago and I had written (way back when, actually) that I was concerned that the a. was no longer a focal point and that concerned me....my fear is that if I don't remember, it'll be too easy to slip back into old patterns and if H. doesn't remember...well, that he'll have another one. Do you guys ever talk about it? I can't remember if you're in C. together...
Good stuff with the 3 positives!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey, Shiny....great new post!! Sorry you're having a tough time of late. I think SBH is, too. Being sued in civil court now, meeting with lawyer tomorrow. I have been physically sick (going to doc this p.m.) and kind of out of it for the last week. But, we sat down Sunday night and reminded ourself that it has ONLY been 3 months since our biggest "bombshell"...him finding out about my As.
Re-reading your beginning post for this thread reminded me how close our timeslines are - and to remind you that it has "only" been 3 months - seems like an eternity!!! - but I think we've both (as couples) or maybe I should say we've ALL made good progress in that time.
More head spinning…Next day I talk to him, feels like a battle for good over evil, for his very soul. Something changes in him and he vows to keep his word, to no longer lie, to no longer be driven by fear, to stay in town whether our M can be salvaged or not. He tells her (with me in the room) that they shouldn’t see each other any more. I feel it is a weak ending, but take him at his word. 
Can’t believe this behaviour of H, totally out of character, not who they thought he was.
