Holy cr@p. My wife after all this says she wants to work on things.
What a roller-coaster. She said what finally melted her heart is that our foster son kept asking her how her day was.
She says we need to have a balance in everything going forward.... between kids, us, house, everything.
I don't entirely trust her and there's a lot of stuff to address.
Advice from Starsky
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Then tell her "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore." Or, "Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore."
Then come here for careful advice.
Listen to me: you get ONE SHOT AT THIS. The single biggest mistake on these forums is betrayed spouses letting their wayward spouses back too easily.
Re-read that.
If she's sincere, she's not going anywhere. And if she's NOT, you want no part of it anyway.
STALL.
Starsky
New areas.... My last post.
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Got it. But then what?
I have a list of things i wrote down on what I want in a spouse. I've asked her to do the same. Some of the items are a must and some i can negotiate on.
One that is a must is that she has to get the anger under control.
What other advise do you have for next steps?
I'm at the lawyers' office this morning to discuss options and I still have my counseling session tomorrow. She told me that she really wants to fix what's in her head and that she knows there's a lot of love in the house. She just needs to find her happiness in herself.
I'm absolutely doing my 180s. I'm not giving them up and I want these for me. Biggest one is completely loosing the weight.
Last edited by Sherman333; 03/12/1512:40 PM.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Is she ready to send OM a no-contact letter and be fully transparent with you? Have you done any studying about those key things?
Yes, now is the time to identify -- and then communicate to her -- what your three or four or five key deal breakers are (ex: 100% NC/transparency, MCing with a MC specifically trained in dealing with infidelity, full-panel STD test (show results to you) if affair was physical, etc.
Sorry, don't have time to re-read your sitch at the moment. At the hospital with my wife for her hand surgery. I'll try to check in later.
Ok, just caught up quickly on your old thread. I did have you confused with someone else; I thought your wife had admitted to an OM already.
I do think there may be something going on with her boss that she's not telling you, however (EA? Unrequited longing? Other) -- there are several warning signs there.
As for the OM, from what she's confessed so far there doesn't seem to be a physical affair. It was more emotional with her boss. He's the head of the HR department (she works in HR) and he actually told her that if she gets a divorce, that he gets first dibs (I have a lot choice thoughts on this).
Fundamentals are depression for a lot of the marriage and I joined her in it. She got a new job last Nov and that's when everything started coming to a head. Neither of us can stand it the way it was
I started sexting with someone in another city last year (from being very unhappy) and she found out; I've been open with her about it and stopped it. I seriously thought about BD last year too. I'm not lilly white in this either (and yes I mean to own my issues). .
Last week she wanted to date other people and this week she wants to put things back together. She has a party she's going to for a former professor tomorrow night and I made plans I'm going to keep for next weekend; this is another 180. Lunch with one friend and a beer with another; neither of which I've seen in a long time, but they're about an hour from where I live. So I'll be gone most of the day. She knows that I was going to make plans, but not any of the specifics yet. I'll tell her tonight.
The visit to the lawyer went well. He's pretty clued into relationships, genuinely seems to support marriage, and didn't hesitate to push me a little on some of my contributions to the issues. So I like him
My therapy session starts tomorrow. I know there are good therapists and bad therapists. We're in the wait and see game to see how serious she is. I've asked her to give me a list of approved counselors/Psychologists from her insurance and between the lawyer (who's interacted with a lot of the therapists) and possibly the lady I see tomorrow (assuming she's not a quack) I'll pair down the list to who's good and then my wife can pick who works best for her.
This is more of a 180 for me. Leadership in the relationship vs. being more passive and I know theres a line between this an control. She's free to choose on her own who she wants to see. These are only educated suggestions.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Thanks; she did great! It was for "trigger thumb," so a pretty basic operation on that thumb tendon. I appreciate the thoughts. I'll be caring for her today and picking our kids up from school, making dinner, etc., so I won't be on here much. What's your wife saying/doing today?
As for the OM, from what she's confessed so far there doesn't seem to be a physical affair. It was more emotional with her boss. He's the head of the HR department (she works in HR) and he actually told her that if she gets a divorce, that he gets first dibs (I have a lot choice thoughts on this).. . .
Last week she wanted to date other people and this week she wants to put things back together. . . .
Yes, I read all of that. That's what I meant when I say I caught up on your sitch, and there were warning flags there, and to keep your guard up and prepare your heart that it may be (have been?) an EA with this boss of hers. Maybe he spurned her when she wanted more, and that's why she suddenly wants to work on the marriage? Who knows, but there's some "foggy" thinking there on her part that seems pretty wayward to me.
but there's some "foggy" thinking there on her part
I completely agree. I have no illusions that something may have happened. She's done some odd things and a lot of "shopping" without buying things. At a minimum it's an emotional affair. She's talked about him a lot and he expressed interest.
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What's your wife saying/doing today?
Yesterday when she expressed she wanted to work on us, she seemed to be super happy compared to how it's been even a year ago. Like a weight was lifted off her. She was great with the kids and even went roller-blading. She even said she wants to start cooking with me (she hates cooking). She's still in the basement room and asked me to tuck her in. The conversation focused on a little on plans for the weekend, the upcoming trip, our future and what we need to do to get there. How much she's been afraid and even what melted her wall. She said it was our foster-son. She also talked about how she's felt like she's been giving away too much of herself for too long; especially with some really difficult foster kids we had last year (we're done fostering BTW). My wife was a foster child herself and they may triggered something in her (the agency warned this might happen).
The way she's describing things is that she's waking up. She's always kinda expressed how's she's feeling with a song and will listen to it over and over. This morning she sent me a link to "I'm good" by the Mowgli's. I hadn't read it because I was getting the kids ready, so she caught me in the kitchen and read the song to me. She even took the time to explain a little what it meant to her.
The pertinent lyrics to this conversation are:
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Trying to figure out who I am or who I'm supposed to be. I feel good about where I stand. So I can make the most of me-I'm coming back down from space A million miles away. There's a lot of love in this place.
She says she feels like she's just waking up. Like she's been somewhere else.
The other section of the song that she really pointed out is
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We're looking for something more... What you're really looking for It's been with you since you were born
She said that she realizes that we all care for her. One of the thing that she needs is a balance going forward. That it we need time away from the kids. She wants to be mom, but doesn't want to be consumed by it. Same for our relationship, etc. A lot more was said in little small conversations I'm forgetting. But she was repeating a lot of the same messages.
Overall, I haven't seen her like this in YEARS. I'm not even sure when the last time was. My wife is known for being rather intense about just about everything. She seemed lighter in her movements even.
If I was going to pinpoint when the gates started to open up, it was a few days ago when she told me that she was turning into her mom - who is unhappy about everything (husbands (3?), children, life, pick a topic). She acted really scared to tell me and was defensive too. I validated and let her know I love her. She started crying/sobbing hard.
This happened 2 days after I started following Sandi's tough love advice and after really focusing on the attraction side of things over the past couple of months. I was at the point where my messages have been "I have a preference, but I'm done" and I meant it.
Now I'm having trouble trusting the situation (with good reason). LOL I never expected this.
I'm in the wait and see mode. And we still have the underlying issues to take care of.
Last edited by Sherman333; 03/12/1509:00 PM.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
If she had truly recently ended things with her boss, she'd be deeply and chemically DEPRESSED, not euphoric.
I smell a rat. Be on high alert.
Women, especially, in EAs do NOT get over them this quickly or this easily. Do yourself a favor and go on Sandi's thread and ask her to come by your thread and give you her perspective. Maybe I've missed something.
