[susana4]

Previous thread:
Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

This thread's title comes from the song
You Just Don't Know People (video)

"Listen to me, if you wanna be free
You gotta let it go
Just let it go
‘Cause people can stab you in the back
Right out of the blue
No, you just don’t know people
Or what they’re gonna do

You can’t control
You can’t keep hold of anything in this world"

[susana4]

Brought over from old thread

The good news is this seems to be going well. Your H may come around, and if things do get worse he'll have a hard time rewriting history with you demonstrating those changes and having this kind of fun together.

It IS really hard, particularly because this could last a long time. It could get worse. It could last a long time, seem to get better, then he could BD again in a year and actually move out. And living in Limbo WITH the person is so tough. I never really had to, but I can't imagine.

I would remind you to work just as much (if not more) on detachment and GAL as you are on your 180s. You're only 3 months in and early in the evolution of your sitch. I know you're still raw and scared. Please take care of yourself and start putting yourself in a place where you will be ok regardless of the outcome. I don't just mean he stays or leaves...would it be possible to get detached to the point that you don't even care if you stay in limbo for a few years? Think how powerful that would feel. Keep trucking!

would it be possible to get detached to the point that you don't even care if you stay in limbo for a few years? Think how powerful that would feel.
Omg now that is a terrifying thought! So it's probably where I need to be!

I have to admit it really never crossed my mind. I've been thinking of detachment in terms of being OK with S and D, and knowing I'm ok with or without H. But being ok with being in limbo for a few years? Wow. That would be detached!

Ok, so I know being detached is good, it's a goal, and I feel I've naturally gotten less detached over time but I know I'm not there yet for sure...but how can I help myself along in getting detached? I've read a few threads on detaching and a lot them say it just happens. But how can I help the process? I imagine it's easier when you don't live together and spend time together but I want to find a way to do it in spite of that.

[susana4]

Brought over from old thread

I am not sure I agree with the NO SNOOPING rule all the time.

The problem is you need to snoop inside his BRAIN and boy what a mess that would be.

Have you ever seen the story of Princess Kate Middleton's break up with Prince William?
She got out and got a life and look where she is now.


Just my .02

Ah...so you are saying I should go find Harry and become a princess? Oh wait!

I had never heard that Kate and William broke up at any point! I just read an article. Interesting.

I am taking a page out of Kate's book and finally booking my solo trip to Romania which I've been meaning to do for awhile... I'm looking at the last week in March.

I guess I won't book it over H's birthday. Which brings me to oh yeah, I need to buy him a present for his birthday which is in 9 days. What the he!! are you supposed to buy your H who no longer wants to be your H, but who still lives with you and sometimes goes on not dates with you?!

I've always disliked buying bday presents but this is just ridiculous! lol.

For my birthday he bought 2 tickets to a comedy night and took me for dinner and standup comedy. Suppose I could get him tickets to a concert or something...

[EyeTie]

I guess I won't book it over H's birthday. Which brings me to oh yeah, I need to buy him a present for his birthday which is in 9 days. What the he!! are you supposed to buy your H who no longer wants to be your H, but who still lives with you and sometimes goes on not dates with you?!

Nothing. I wouldn't buy him anything. I had the same dilemma last Friday for my WAW, it was her B-Day and I was going to buy her a card, or a gift. I posted on here asking opinions and was quickly told to leave it alone. Which I did. I gave her cards from the kids, but there was nothing from me at all. I know it bothered her, but SHE was the one who chose to leave, she was the one who chose to have an A. She was the one who destroyed our family. She doesn't deserve anything. Instead I went out with some friends on her B-Day, I didn't go to her dinner party (wasn't really invited, but I know she wouldn't have minded if I had shown up) and didn't talk to her for a day or two afterwards.

Pretend it's just another day in YOUR world, because that's all it is.

[susana4]

I guess I won't book it over H's birthday. Which brings me to oh yeah, I need to buy him a present for his birthday which is in 9 days. What the he!! are you supposed to buy your H who no longer wants to be your H, but who still lives with you and sometimes goes on not dates with you?!

Nothing. I wouldn't buy him anything. I had the same dilemma last Friday for my WAW, it was her B-Day and I was going to buy her a card, or a gift. I posted on here asking opinions and was quickly told to leave it alone. Which I did. I gave her cards from the kids, but there was nothing from me at all. I know it bothered her, but SHE was the one who chose to leave, she was the one who chose to have an A. She was the one who destroyed our family. She doesn't deserve anything. Instead I went out with some friends on her B-Day, I didn't go to her dinner party (wasn't really invited, but I know she wouldn't have minded if I had shown up) and didn't talk to her for a day or two afterwards.

Pretend it's just another day in YOUR world, because that's all it is.

I would consider that, but I think it would be incredibly rude since he gave me a very nice birthday present and took me out for dinner and drinks for it. I didn't give him anything for our anniversary, nor did I give him anything for Valentine's Day on the advice of people here and I'm glad for that, I felt it wouldn't have been appropriate. But his birthday? It's just his, not between us. I don't think I'll be invited to his dinner if he has one, and I'm not making plans for the day or anything but I think I do need to get him a present because he got me one!

[Elly4]

"I'm still feeling a bit frustrated. I know it's impatience, and losing hope. When we were joking around and brushing our teeth this morning, I just kept thinking how anyone looking in would think we were a normal married couple, and not even realise we are heading for D. How can he act the same?! It's just so weird. I just don't see him changing his mind."

This post is so my situation too, which leads to the feeling of unreality. Most days are fine and to anyone looking in they wouldn't see anything different either.

I would also buy my H a bday present as we're still living in the same house and it seems like a courtesy thing. But I might be wrong.

[Sotto]

Hi Susana - I just got my H a card for his BD, but then we are S, so sending a present would have felt OTT.

I don't see the harm in getting him a little something - but I would maybe just get one thing, and keep it pretty modest and not too personal. Maybe a nice bottle of wine if he likes wine, or some gourmet beer if he likes beer...or similar..

[Starsky309]

would it be possible to get detached to the point that you don't even care if you stay in limbo for a few years? Think how powerful that would feel.

Sure. Happens on the MLC forum all the time. Some pull it off in more emotionally healthy way than others.

[Wonka]

Susana,

If you can, I'd suggest that you buy a BD that has a special significance for H. For me, I bought my late father a BD card with a variation of some characters from Winnie the Pooh on it as his nickname for me was "Pooh." Also I bought stickies of Pooh characters to stick inside the BD card.

My point? It shows H that only you know his interests, hobbies, and likes/dislikes. That helps job positive and happy memories of you and the M. You've been working on making small love deposits in H's bank quite successfully so keep going.

Buy some thoughtful gift for H that is meaningful for him....I bought Ms. Wonka some small tools one Xmas and she genuinely thanked me for it.

EyeTie,

Hi ya...I am Wonka. Your advice would be spot on if it is applicable to WASes who are in an active affair.

In Susana's case, there is no OW. Her H is simply unsure of how to "work" on a marriage as they've transitioned out from the honeymoon phase and into the nitty gritty of a real marriage that includes conflicts and disagreements.

As we have said to Susana in previous posts, Susana needs to be the one to change her bad patterns that cause more unnecessary conflict in the M. She's been really mindful and diligent of how her old patterns rear its old, ugly head.

In this case, we are actively working with Susana on re-attracting H back into the M. Slowly, but surely.

Our advice to Susana is to continue making deposits in H's love bank, slowly reinventing herself with new clothes and new attitude, and becoming a MUCH BETTER version of the Susana that is sexy & attractive.

In your case, your W is in a very active A with the OM so yeah...it is proper that you don't give her a BD as it would be considered pursuing.

[susana4]

Thanks for the advice on BD gift Wonka! I don't know why I am stumped, for Xmas I knew just what to get (Gopro so he could record snowboarding - he LOVED it), guess the sitch has thrown me for a loop! You're right, would be nice to show I know him and his interests.

BD Coach suggested I make him a nice meal and bake a nice dessert since I love cooking/he loves my food, and buy a nice bottle of wine or some fancy beers. That might be a nice idea if he's not got plans already for his BD (not sure) - or could do the night before/after. But is that too much about my interests? Not sure.

My ideas so far:
-something car related (he loves cars and racing), not sure what to get though
-concert tickets to a band he likes
-mini computer parts - got him a mini computer (he works in IT and loves computers) for Xmas and he loved it, but I've kind of already done this gift!