Been reading the forums about 2 month now. My first post
Husband moved out a month ago. He moved about 40 miles away. He occasionally is in our neighborhood for extra curricular activites and asks to come by to see the children. If it is late, he will ask to spend the night on the couch.
can you tell me how you handled this with your separated spouse? Did you let him stay over? How do you handle him asking to spend time with the kids in the family home. At the moment, we are alternating weekends with the kids. (he picks them up and takes them to his moms where he is staying)
thanks for reading and any comments.
Me45 H44; D10 D9 Married 13 yrs. Together 15 yrs Jan 2015, BD ILYBINILWY I learned of EA Feb 2015 H moved out, needs "space"
Depends - is there money for a motel room? If he can afford to rent a room, he should. On the other hand, if that's not economically feasible, him staying there is probably what's best for your kids. Also, it's an opportunity to let him think about what he's leaving behind. Can you arrange to go out to "meet friends" on those evenings (all dressed up nice, with perfume on)? Come home late - I don't care if you're just sitting reading at the local coffee shop. Assuming that he, like most WASs, is having an affair or left in order to pursue dating, most WASs don't even think about the possibility that YOU might be pursued by members of the opposite sex. They think you'll just be sitting there waiting for them.
Note - I am NOT suggesting you date. Just be busy and a little mysterious - let him fill in the blanks. And take full advantage of the "free" babysitting.
Many people (including me) will advise you to allow your H to feel the consequences of his choices. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. IOW, don't offer him the "family life" he has run from while he's wayward and in an unrepentant A with OW.
BUT, I'm also a huge proponent of embracing opportunities to SHINE as a left-behind spouse (LBS). If you know you can pull it off and H is going to be around, make plans to go out. Dress nicely, in a new outfit if possible. Wear a new perfume. Put on make-up and jewelry. Be mysterious and "neighborly friendly" toward your H - light, breezy, upbeat - in the little bit of time you'll interact before you say to him, "Thanks for watching the kids! I'll be back later!" And leave. If he asks where you're going? Say in an upbeat way: "Out with friends! Don't wait up!"
Turn the tables. Flip the script. Leave HIM guessing where YOU will be while he's home with the kids.
Meanwhile, can you give us some more specific background on your M? Where do you think things went wrong in your M?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks kml. Excellent suggestion! I have been confused on how to handle this. I would like the children to spend time with him, but I'm also trying to steer clear of him. (made more difficult with the kids keep asking when daddy be coming over to see them)
Me45 H44; D10 D9 Married 13 yrs. Together 15 yrs Jan 2015, BD ILYBINILWY I learned of EA Feb 2015 H moved out, needs "space"
