Hello all, I just finished reading Divorce Busting for the 3rd time and could use some help. Here is my story.
My wife and I were best friends for 2 years before we even started dating. After dating for 3 years we got married and were married for 7 years. My wife has asked me for a divorce several times over our marriage, we did marriage counseling twice, the first time was a joke (I didn't want to be there) the second time we both wanted to save the marriage and it worked. We married young and had typical problems, I wasn't faithful and she caught me cheating on her at one point. After attending some intense counseling (along with marriage counseling) I changed my life. I quit hanging out with people who were not positive role models in my life. I cut back on my drinking. I stopped talking to other girls and essentially re-dedicated myself to our family.
My wife was always a homebody and 8 months ago she started going out with some friends every Friday night. At first I was excited that she was going to go out and have fun, but it quickly became an issue, when it became every Friday night. We could be out at a family get together, but the minute she got the text, she was gone.
Then last fall, she planned a surprise vacation for us. She took care of every detail and off we went. It was awkward, since we went from spending barely any time together to 5 days straight. At one point she said to me during dinner "Let's not talk about the kids, home repair projects or the dogs" and we quickly realized we had very little to talk about.
We got back from vacation and a month later had a big blow up fight. That was when she said she wanted a divorce. We agreed to take the month of December to think about it and work on things. I didn't want Christmas to be ruined for our kids (6 year old boy, 3 year old girl). I became the best husband I could for that month. I sent flowers, spent time together, planned date nights, talked to her about everything and thought this would be a bump in the road. Sadly I was wrong.
The day before New Years Eve she said she still wanted a divorce. That she was happy with my progress, but didn't think it would last. I was devastated. I did everything wrong. I followed her around the house, I cried to her, I begged, I sent flowers and gifts. All it did was turn her off more.
On January 2nd I had a doctor appointment. I have acid reflux disease and thought I was having a flare up. I quickly found out that it was much worse than that. They found cancer cells in my GI tract and large intestines, luckily there were no tumors or masses. I opted for a clinical study, where I would go in once a week to receive an injection into the infected areas. Also, I was assigned a crisis counselor who I would see 2-3 times a week. When I came home that day I was a wreck. Before I could say anything to my wife about it, she looked at me and said "I can't deal with you right now, I am going out of town" and went up to visit some of our friends a few hours away.
Over that weekend, I decided not to tell her anything about my health. When she returned I moved into the spare bedroom, sick, alone and lost. For the next few weeks I continued treatments, lost weight, barely ate and was doing my best to "win" her back. We all know how that works. In mid-January I found out she had been having an EA with some random guy she met right after our vacation. When confronted she screamed and said "It doesn't matter, we are getting divorced! And I am going to start dating!" and stormed away. She claims that nothing physical happened, but who knows. It crushed me more. A few days later, I ran into my oncologist at a friends house, we hit it off and she helped me see that the world isn't ending.
My wife refused to do MC again, saying it was over and that we were beating a dead horse. At this point I found out about the 180 and started putting it into place. My wife instantly noticed and started getting angry with me. I stopped pursuing, I stopped begging, if a fight was about to happen, I would walk away. I quit texting/emailing her as well unless it had to do with the kids. We still went to church together and spent some time together, but for the most part I became distant/detached.
Then one day she agreed to go to a divorce discernment class, I was elated. My prayers had been answered. We went out to dinner first, had a great time then went to meet the counselor. As soon as we got there, my wife clammed up. She got rude with the counselor and we left. In the car ride home she started crying, I told her we could put a stop to this, that we can fix this. She kept saying "it's too late, we can't". I asked her how she would feel if I started dating, she didn't answer, so I told her that I had met someone as well. This sent her into an tizzy and she started crying/yelling even more. When we went to pick up the kids from my parents, she ran out of my car and into their house. I made a phone call and walked in a few minutes later. She then proceeded to run up to me, in front of my parents, leap in my arms and kiss me. I thought things were ok, I thought she was changing her mind. I was wrong.
In early February, she found a new place and signed a lease. Her move in date was Feb 14th, yes Valentines Day...I know. When she told me that, I kind of shut down. I quit going to my crisis counselor after I had a blow up with him. He attempted to contact me several times, but I ignored him. So he did the only thing he could think of. He contacted my wife on February 8th, stating he was worried about me, that my lab results were looking great and that my oncologist was very pleased with things. I was standing right next to her when she got that information. All she could do was stare at me, jaw agape as I looked on confused. When she confronted me, I had a break down. I told her that I didn't want her to know. That I didn't think she would care. She said had I told her, she would have stayed. I said she would have stayed for the wrong reasons. We spent the rest of the day quietly together. Holding hands, cuddled on the couch with our kids. I told her that we can fix things, that we can move forward as long as we resist the urge to look in the past. That we would be that much stronger of a couple, sometimes she nodded other times she stared off into space.
The following Saturday, she moved out while I was at work. We have talked several times, and spent a little bit of time together. A few days after she moved out she came over for dinner, we had a huge fight and she left. We didn't talk for a few days afterwards. Then last Sunday she came over and hung out for a good chunk of the day, we talked later that night and she was sweet on the phone. She invited me over yesterday to pickup the kids and offered me dinner. I picked them up, hung out for a few minutes and left (I have a hard time eating after 2pm) since she was being "cold" to me. For instance, I asked to sit on the couch by her (she has one couch, her and kids were on it) she said "Yes, go ahead, just don't get weird". I sat down next to her, felt the tension coming off of her and quickly got up to play with her dog. The kids and I left about 5 minutes after that.
I have been living a rollercoaster with her for the last 3 months. She claims this divorce is what she wants, that it will make her happy. But these are phrases coming out of her mouth.
"Let's talk about a family vacation this spring...But I want a divorce".
"Let's talk about selling our house and buying a new one...But I want a divorce".
"I love you so much...But I want a divorce."
I know she is depressed, she was on Zoloft years ago and quit taking it when we had my daughter. I have asked her to get back on it or at least talk to someone, she refuses.
I just don't know what to do to make this work. I want her back, but how can I do it now that she is gone? I am still sticking the the 180, but it's harder when we are doing the 2-2-3 custody thing with the kids and I have to see her every day. I am just at a loss...
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I hope your health is still progressing. This stress could not be the best medicine for it.
As long as you can feel the tension coming off her body by just sitting next to her, I would not get my hopes of seeing the desired change for quite a while. However, she will be up & down and all around until it could blow you away.
This may seem terribly negative, but these things she tells you really don't mean what you want to read into it. I could just as easy read something differently. Let me give you an example, since I can read WAW code... sometimes.
Let's talk about a family vacation this spring =I want to continue being included in family events, after the D.
Let's talk about selling our house and buying a new one =. I really need the money for my new life, after the D.
I love you so much =. I will always care, even after the D.
However, I will quickly add that neither of us really know what was in her heart when she said these things. As a WAW, she is confusabate tween what she wants and what is best. She will be back & forth with it. She is strictly operating out of her feelings.......which have gone bonkers, btw. If she has another guy in her head, she will be much....much worse than just a woman who wants out of the M for other reasons.
Read as much as you can on the WAW in an A.
She is not the same girl you M.
Read the links Cadet gave you b/c
Good news is your M can be saved. Mine was, and I was a WAW, too. It will be a long road and will get harder, but it can be saved.
You will need to read around on some threads here. You will discover how your W is following a typical pattern. She will even say things that other WAW'S say, as if they are reading the same script. It is eerie.
Hope you post often, and I hope I have not discouraged you. Most of the population here are spouses who are/were left behind. Some of us (ahem) old timers, have stuck around a long time after our own M was saved. Just paying forward what the board did for us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you both for answering. I am reading threads, studying DB and trying to figure it out. I had to talk to her earlier tonight about our son, she was acting like a total jerk, so instead of keeping her on the phone I just said "I have to run" and left it at that.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Last night we had a function at my sons school. She was rude to me and everyone else there, then after it was over she said "Hey, how about we go out as a family and get some dinner somewhere?" Before I started DB'ing I would have been all over it, but instead I said "Nah, I am not interested, I just want to go home and go to bed". She was instantly upset, stormed off to her car, buckled the kids in (it was her night) and I said goodbye to them and said "Goodbye (her full first name, instead of honey or sweetheart) and she left.
I came home, read the 180 again in the book and am sticking with it. She called earlier today, asking a question that she already knew the answer to, then asked what I was making for dinner. I told her, she said "that sounds SO good" and I just changed the subject. She was sweet as can be on the phone, no fighting, no attitude, just like she was 3 months ago. I am trying to get off this rollercoaster with her, but it's just so damn hard, because the 180 goes against everything I want to do.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH, I just wish I could rewind things and get a do over.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
We had my sons school fair last Thursday. She got there late for the assembly, I got there early. I held 3 spots for us (my son was in the program, so it was my W, my D and myself). The place was packed. There were people standing all over the place because it was overbooked. When my wife got there, she found me right away and said "These were the best seats you could get?" then proceeded to give me the cold shoulder. The rest of the night she was a complete jerk to everyone we encountered. Finally at the end of the night she said "Hey, why don't we go out to eat?" After being emotionally drained from her, I said "Yeah, no thanks." Which caught her completely off guard. I followed with "I have other plans tonight actually" and left it at that. She rushed to her car, buckled the kids in and jumped in her drivers seat slamming the door behind her. Meanwhile I gave the kids hugs and walked to my car. The old me would have jumped at the chance to go spend time with her, the new me won't do it.
The next afternoon she called (Friday) to find out who was picking up which kid (she already knew the answer) and was very sweet and pleasant on the phone. We talked about the weekend (my weekend with the kids) and she was going to go out with my cousin (while I watched my cousins daughter) on Saturday. They went out, had some laughs, talked about things (my cousins fiance just got sentenced to 18 years for a crime he committed before they even knew one another). I guess as the night went on, my wife who usually isn't a big drinker kept slamming shots/drinks all night. Where as my cousin said that she could drive them home, but my wife insisted upon doing so. During their conversations though, my wife said "I love him Mandy, but I can't be with him anymore. Our relationship is done! All the changes he is making is just too late." and that it pissed her off that I am now doing all the things (GAL, 180, etc) now as opposed to when this split happened.
Yesterday they both came over to retrieve their kids, we talked about going to church and I said that I had to be there 45 minutes early. When my W inquired as to why, I said "Because I am being baptized today" which made her jaw drop too. She asked if I wanted her and the kids there for it, I said I did so they came. So, I got baptized and after church I said I was going to go home and clean the house. My W then said "NO WAY, let's go celebrate, I am going to take you out to lunch!" so we went to a restaurant and were having a good time. Until I asked her about her job search, she is in a contract that expires at the end of this month. She said it wasn't going well, that she is getting calls but nothing is really coming from it. That she isn't sure what to do, but she will figure it out. She asked me about my new job and I told her it's ok. That I am not really looking forward to the traveling aspect and that I had been recently headhunted by two pharmaceutical companies. This pissed her off, she then said "Yeah, I am done eating, come on kids, we have to leave before Mommy smacks Daddy". She quickly paid the tab and that was that.
This morning she text asking if I had a second, I said give me 10 minutes and then called her back in 20. She wanted to discuss my sons B-Day party at the end of the month. Everything was going fine until she said that I owed her for some bill. I then pointed out that she owed me 150 for her cellphone, 100 from daycare and also 80 for internet/cable. That was not the response she was looking for. So she said "Well, I will get you a check or something. I have to go now." and that was that.
As it sits, she told Mandy (my cousin) that she isn't dating anyone, but she is talking to a few guys. She also said that her and her bestfriend had a falling out (her best friend was a HUGE problem in our marriage, no matter what happened, she would always side with her) and that my W realizes her best friend is/was toxic and not a good person.
I am doing everything I can to move on. I took a cooking class, a dancing class (I always wanted to learn how), doing home improvements around the house, etc. It's just hard detaching when you have kids and have to see one another every day. Any advice?
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
It's my wife's B-Day on Friday, she has zero family in town here. And it sounds like she has zero friends that want to hang out. My cousin (who I mentioned above) offered to go out to dinner with her, just to be nice so she doesn't spend her B-Day alone. Here is my situation.
1. Do I buy her a gift or a card? Or should I just get her one from the kids and call it a day?
2. Friday night, my friends and I are going to be out on the town. Should I invite her and my cousin with? My only issue is that she has been so hostile towards me, I don't want that to ruin my night. Nor could I handle it if she starts talking to other guys or god forbid invites someone alone.
3. Should I just leave it alone and let her sit at home after dinner by herself?
I am just really torn here. I love this woman and don't want her to hurt, but the other part of me is saying "let her be as lonely as I have been". What is your advice?
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Have you read DR or even just the 37 rules? Because your answers are all there. Perhaps read them and suggest what you'd plan to do and people will come with feedback.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you Mozza, I have read DR (going on 3rd time now). I just wasn't sure if the NC or 180 are still applicable in this case.
One other question I have, even though she left me, she acts as though I am the one who hurt her and left her. She has nothing but anger and resentment towards me. Is this normal?
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
