First of all thank you Michelle for a great book – SSM. It gives me renewed hope. I am the HD husband of what has turned into a SSM over the last 30 years. I have often thought that our problem might be hormonal since our situation has gotten worse over the last 5-6 years as my wife has gone thru menopause. We did have more sex earlier in our marriage, but it has never been a passionate thing for her. I understand from the readings such as “I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Improving Her Libido” by Reichman, that low testosterone level could be a part of the problem.
My wife has always avoided talking with me about sex – makes here very uncomfortable she says – and so for me to ask her to see her doctor about this is way out of the question. Trying to talk to her about it has been the cause of many fights and cold nights. My question is this: Would it be wrong for to call me her doctor and ask the doctor to run a testosterone test during my wife’s next physical without my wife knowing that I had done this. I would like to ask the doctor to keep it quiet about my asking her to do this, but if the doctor did do it and find that the level was low, then maybe my wife would be open to the doctor’s suggestion. (She is going to her physical within the next two weeks).
Quote: Would it be wrong for to call me her doctor and ask the doctor to run a testosterone test during my wife’s next physical without my wife knowing that I had done this.
it certainly would be wrong and if her doctor is any kind of humanitarian they wouldn't do it for you anyway...it would be highly innapropriate for a doctor to run a test on a patient without that patients consent.
not to mention the extra problem you'd end up with afterward...even if the test did show a low testosterone level that could be contributed to w's low drive...her new issue would be trust and manipulation.
in other words...don't even think of doing such a thing.
This is something I've wondered about too. LL brings up some good points. I wonder if it would be different if this were an issue of mental health or physical health, in other words, would it be appropriate and "humanitarian" to run a test on a patient's blood without their consent if they were mentally unstable or at risk for a disease or debilitating condition but were too stubborn or in denial about the possible condition?
Personally, I think everyone should be required to have their hormones checked as part of a routine physical, especially women, due to the extra complexity and certain risk factors that women have to deal with.
This issue again is the patient's unwillingness or denial. If many of us wait for our low lib spouse's stamp of approval before taking any action to improve our situations absolutely nothing will happen. Desperate times may require desperate measures. The trust issue could definitely be a problem if the info leaked out about the test. I think suggesting that the doctor suggest a test, WITHOUT THE DOCTOR SAYING THAT THE SPOUSE SUGGESTED THE SUGGESTION, would be something to consider. These hormone imbalances don't only affect our relationships and the well being of our families but can also lead to serious health problems that, if undetected and untreated, could even lead to death. If you knew that someone you loved might die if they weren't tested say, for cancer, would you take drastic measures to have them checked? Hormone imbalance can lead to cancer and other debilitating health issues.
All points of this one need to be carefully considered, in my opinion.
that's all well and good aching man but do not hide behind the mask of doing a good thing for the w by having this test done...
Quote: would it be appropriate and "humanitarian" to run a test on a patient's blood without their consent if they were mentally unstable or at risk for a disease or debilitating condition but were too stubborn or in denial about the possible condition?
yes, but first you must have the person declared incompitent and it is not likely that you can have a woman (or man for that matter) declared incompitent simply because they don't have an interest in sex...
would it be appropriate for my h or your wives to call up your doctor and have them test us for our testosterone levels..assuming that they are too high and that is why we have a high drive...after all if we have a high drive, one that is seemingly irregular according to our spouses..then perhaps we are imbalanced and it could lead to health problems for us..but because we do not feel it is a problem to have a high drive we do not question it...
Quote: especially women, due to the extra complexity and certain risk factors that women have to deal with.
if the doctor is a good one...they will recomend such tests and offer hormone balancing medications to deal with it...they will only relate it to sex if sex is a problem for the patient not because it is a problem for the patients spouse.
Quote: I think suggesting that the doctor suggest a test, WITHOUT THE DOCTOR SAYING THAT THE SPOUSE SUGGESTED THE SUGGESTION, would be something to consider.
consider controling and manipulative behavior and you don't have a spouse you have a woman who you want to control and manipulate
As of April 14th of this year, her doctor can't even talk to you about her care, ... can't even acknowledge she is under his care, ... Federal law, (HIPAA) ... huge fines and jail time for the doctor who would do what you are thinking.
Hard as it may be,... based on your past issues, I would calmly ask your wife to read SSM. I would say to her,... "This is a book that is about both of us, ... focusing on the fact there is a connection, with differences, ... but not a right or wrong. That is no guarantee she will read it, ... but I read it cover to cover, and I know Michele did not put a guarantee in the last chapter, ... just solid heartfelt advice throughout.
My W's first response, when I asked her to read it, was that "It is too late!" But I figure I stay here, and stay calm,... and begin to modify how I behave, and the sort of H I am day to day, there may come a day when she WILL read it.
For the sake of trust and love between you both, ... stash any notions of secret blood test, spanish fly in her soup, or testosterone patches on her back in the middle of the night.
SSM drove home again what I already knew, ... that my W's sexiest part is somewhere between her ears. My job is to go back and find where I last saw it a while back, and work harder to understand her. While it might not work, I know any shortcuts will have an even smaller chance of succeeding.
30 years! You have the patience, ... it might need a quick polish, but there is no one in the world who deserves a little more of it now,... than your wife and you as a couple.
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
--Will Rogers
As Stargazer pointed out, apparently going after professional help from a doctor is out. I hope I didn’t offend by my suggestions; it’s just that many of us are getting so desperate that we are wondering if there is something crazy, something under-considered that could bring hope to our starving relationships.
I know that I could never love another woman with the depth that I love my wife but, sadly, I may not be able to handle living with her if she doesn’t become more williing to work on relationship issues that are important to me. It’s not so much about willingness because if I could hang on I would, or will. It’s about the damage incurred from living in an extended state of frustration, sadness and depression related to my spouse’s selfishness. It's the question of the meaning of life and wondering what's the point of living with so much unhappiness. I don't care what anybody says, it is not healthy to stay in this state for too long. I think many of us here have gone way past our expiration dates and are spoiling.
I have struggled to comprehend the perplexities of this problem for years; it is wearing on me, as it is on many of us here. Is there really any answer? Is there really any hope? I don’t want to wait until I’m ready to die to realize that I wasted my life’s joy in desperation for something that is simply not achievable. I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for her if she could just tell me what is missing for her. But again, I can’t even discuss that there is a problem or she will "fix" my problem by saying adios. It feels like being alone with someone else is more painful than being alone by yourself.
How is something so beautifully natural, so deeply gratifying, so difficult to achieve?
