Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[susana4]

Thread title from the lyrics of Susan by the Buckinghams (seems apt)

History

12/3/2014 H dropped bomb - completely out of blue. He said he'd been in denial and didn't realise he was unhappy, but he no longer felt like himself and hadn't brought it up because of fear of conflict. Immediately moves to separate bedroom, carries on doing my laundry, watching TV together, etc. - in short, being really nice.
Confusing!

December Lots of tears. Begging. Pleading. Then we go abroad for Xmas with my family and he acts almost normal - cuddles, hand holding, tickle fights. He says:
*I still love you.
*I'm attracted to you.
*I don't want to be with anyone else.
Lots of confusion.

January 2015 H goes to parents for New Years. I soul search. I discover DBing. He comes home and I stop all R talks, all begging, drop out of MC.
Start to feel a bit less confused.

Now H and I are living together in rental until my visa and job situation is sorted (prob will be March or April). He is absolutely certain he wants to proceed with S and D, at least as far as I know. We have absolutely NO R talks these days.

My old threads--

Susana - Intro & 180 Questions - I try to enforce a boundary and fail, and accidentally backslide. I go out more and dress up. H starts tickle fights. I question whether there's an OW and start and stop snooping. My 180 is no arguing and I succeed apart from one time. H begins to introspect and challenge his people pleasing. H grows more distant.

Susana (2) - Learning to Detach - I GAL some more, and question whether I went too far. I become friendlier. H and I do an activity together. H grows closer, more touching and hugs. I stop talking to H about my problems, and he shares more about his. H introspects more and questions his fear of conflict. I start on ADs, and struggle with them.

Oh, Susana! (3) - H goes on vacation. I struggle with ADs, then start to feel better. I do some more introspection, and work hard on my 180s. I contemplate LL. H and I do some activities together - we go geocaching, go to a maze. H nearly kisses me - a few times.


Challenges in our M/What led us here...
*My criticisms led to H changing himself because of people pleasing/fear of conflict. (He eventually felt he wasn’t himself and couldn't be himself, and be with me.)
*H fear of conflict - we argued too much
*H never told me any concerns/complains until BD, because “didn’t want to have problems in our M”. Didn’t have healthy model of M growing up, and was taken from his father at 4 and moved to another country. Witnessed domestic abuse between mother & stepfather and was subject of emotional abuse. Has never had IC, doesn’t want to and thinks he’s not affected by past.
*Spent too much time together/H felt smothered, I needed quality time but wasn't getting the quality/connection, just quantity
*H felt responsible for my emotions (engulfed?) and like he needed to fix them. I went through 6-8 months of moderate to severe anxiety and depression due to work - he claims this wasn't related, but I think it created an unhealthy cycle where he tried to fix it, I leaned on him for support (instead of getting medical/psych support) and eventually he felt he wasn't good enough because he couldn't fix it.

My 180s
*Stop criticising completely. Give compliments and gratitude (WOA).
*Don't be reactive or engage in arguments. (Give myself 5 minutes at least to calm down.)
*Stop fixing things, don't give advice (just validate)
*Work on my anxiety & depression - IC and ADs
*Don't force conversation or fill in conversational gaps - allow silence.
*Listen actively and validate and don't talk too much about myself

[susana4]

Bringing over my last 2 posts from previous thread...

I'm really confused about H's LL - was pretty sure it's AoS, so I've been doing a few things around the house and thanking him for stuff he does, but last night he told me to stop thanking him so much when what he does isn't that big a deal. And today he barely noticed all the straightening up and cleaning I'd done.

I also thought it might be WOA so I've been trying to give more compliments and gratitude (I've been trying too anyway) but a lot of the time he'll just negate my compliment by saying "no I'm not" or "I'm not really that good".

Thoughts? Am I wrong about his LL? Or is he just lacking self confidence?

[susana4]

Help! Think I just f'ed things up a bit.

H was a bit distant when I got home - was expecting pullback any day now but it still got to me a little bit.

I brought up tomorrow - we are going to standup comedy that he got me tickets to for my bday. I asked what time it was, hoping he might suggest dinner beforehand - and he did!

I asked where he wanted to go, and he suggested this Middle Eastern fast food place. We've been a few times before and liked it but I was a little disappointed because I wanted to go to a restaurant where we'd have a chance to sit and talk.

I immediately said yes but he could sense I wasn't that up for it (annoyingly he can always tell when I'm upset which makes it really hard for me to fake PMA), and he *kept* asking me what was wrong and if I was mad at him. Seriously, he would not leave it alone, in spite of me saying repeatedly I wasn't annoyed or upset - it got to the point where I got annoyed at him for asking me, and snapped a little.

He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancier restaurant and said he didn't have the money right now. Later I decided to just lay my cards on the table and be honest with my desires (since I've had problems in the past), and I said that I didn't really mind the restaurant, I was just a bit sad because it's very hard to talk in that fast food place, and I like talking to him so I was hoping we'd have the chance to talk.

He remarked "I guess we had different thoughts, is all, I thought dinner and just thought about grabbing food". But then he said he "wants chats too" and suggested we grab a drink after dinner, and before the comedy.

So why am I feeling so negative right now?!

*He and I are going to a comedy night tomorrow (it's not a date but it sure feels like it)
*He asked me to get dinner with him beforehand
*He says he wants to have chats with me and suggested a drink between dinner and comedy so we would have time to talk
*He nearly kissed me again when he said good night to me tonight

But I think I made way too big a deal about the restaurant, he even remarked he didn't think it was such a big deal, and told me to pick it. Should I just go with his original suggestion? I could go somewhere else and treat him, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

Also, game plan for tomorrow? I want to wear a nice, sexy dress but how far is too much? I will try and go with no expectations, and keep up PMA of course. I'm a bit nervous though (only because it feels a bit like a date)!

Anything else I should do to prepare for tomorrow?

[susana4]

I've been thinking about it...going to go with his original suggestion for the restaurant, followed by drinks. That way we'll still have a chance to talk, which he says he wants to do, too. I still need to work on loosening up and going with the flow...so here's a step...

[June315]

Seems like a good plan. I don't think they can help being confusing since they are themselves confused all the time.

[Zelda09]

I'm looking forward to hearing about your date! No pressure on yourself or him either Expect nothing, as tho it was first time you ever saw him, and enjoy it! Sexy it up, (moderately). Like on a real date?

It is all a rough road, any direction it goes now (my
Experience and all the other paths on these boards - no one as far as I can tell is like, 'oh yeah, the estranged person who used to be my spouse, that's all fabulous...'

Just brace for bumps. Speaking as someone who's own expectations and lack of effective detachment is getting in the way of happily bumping along.

[Sotto]

Hi Susana - probably the mention of 'talking' was a bit scary. I think by changing it to 'chat' he's telling you he'd rather keep things light. And I think light is the best way to go with the date. And light means no expectations. I hope you have a good time. My H has been in touch after a while of NC - not good news, and I'm just thinking about a response. any comments and thoughts welcome!

Toots :-)

[susana4]

Yes, I did think that Toots. I definitely won't be angling for an R talk - I was thinking more like flirtatious banter! I tried to make it clear I didn't want "a talk" but I don't know if it came across to him or not. I think I said something like "I want to hear more about your holiday". Will be interesting to see how it plays out tonight.

I have a call with my DB coach just before - good timing!

I commented on your thread, sounds tough, hope you work out what to do! (())

[susana4]

Thanks Z! Will be sure to update here afterwards

It's so hard to have no expectations but I am going to try my best to treat it as a first date. Like he's someone I like, but don't really know, and want to get to know. Lighthearted, friendly, a little bit flirtatious...

Btw, been going over in my head something I want to say to H (I've realised how critical I was and I'm sorry how that must have been for you), but I haven't found the right time yet... Wanted to keep today (even this morning) a positive and lighthearted day. Still waiting for the right opening to say it..hopefully tomorrow... But I think you were absolutely right I need (and want) to say something. Although I'm saying it with my actions I want to put it into words because I have never acknowledged my part and he just took all the blame.

[susana4]

Something I keep repeating to myself this last week when H and I were spending time together - "he really *would* be a fool to leave me."

I'm not done growing but I do feel I have a lot to offer. I'm clever, hardworking, passionate, kind, attractive, fun. Oh, and a great cook. And the fact that I'm undertaking DBing shows my commitment and tbh, bravery - I am continuing to offer unconditional love in spite of everything. If you'd told me a year ago I'd DB, well I wouldn't have known what that meant first of all - but I wouldn't have believed you. I would have thought I was too proud to do that, and too afraid; I would have expected I would just run away because that is what I have done in the past.

I am learning to face fears.

I am learning to live in the moment, to be less critical, to be more accepting.

Yes, I'm still a work in progress, but I'm learning.

And if H can't see that, well then yes, he is a fool.